Thank you for all your comments.
I know that only I can decide and TBH I've nearly exhausted my resistance, hence asking if anyone can manage it. I feel like trialling HRT at the very least, for a month or so. Plenty of people do trial it even if it's officially frowned upon. I am confident that my depression and general malaise is rooted in repressing this from my teens - hence trialling HRT to see if it's a figment of my imagination. I have tried many things in the past.
TBH it no longer feels ridiculous me being trans. Why do I think I am trans (I know no single thing proves it)?
1. Euphoria when I see myself dressed (not always)
2. A quiet voice saying "you're a woman" when I stripped away all the female clothing, mannerisms and behaviours and asked myself "why".
3. I enjoy the comfort of wearing a bra - most days - it's like a hug. That could just be lack of mothering.
4. I am enjoying wearing a blouse in private. OK, just CD.
5. A yearning to start HRT.
6. I like feeling my boobs (just pecs and fat!) through my bra - there's a surge of relaxation and calm. I know cis women don't go fondling themselves!
7. Other things like loving women's clothes, wanting to look like women, wanting to walk down the street arm in arm with other women, wanting to be in women's company, disliking toxic men.
With all that I still say "yes I could be trans, but..."
If I accept I am trans then I either need to transition or control it somehow with CD but I have only heard of transition working.
I do wish I wasn't trans, and that I hadn't opened the door with CD, but it was probably inevitable as I was utterly exhausted, suffering poor sleep and depression so wasn't working. I think I can't repress it any longer.
