Cheryl,
Like you I am in my 70's and being transgender has been a life-long condition I've tried to balance with the overwhelming other parts of life. My choices always seemed to have a short horizon as the limitations from work and family required me to remain the man they always knew. Balance was the guiding principle in my life for many years. It turned out that I was trading my happiness for everyone else's and that wore thinner and thinner as time passed. The kids grew up and moved out, my career ended and my wife battled cancer for several years before she died at home surrounded by loved ones.
But that left me alone with nothing keeping me from dressing as much as I felt I needed. It turned out I needed a lot, my dysphoria was deeper and more connected to my self-perception than I had understood. Through my life I had several slow builds to the point that I understood something new about my gender identity. They may have seemed like aha moments, but they were the product of a slow growing awareness that resulted in acceptance. I think your suggestion that you should see a therapist is a very good idea. It helped me untangle all the threads that made it seem as though my gender was at the center of all my problems, only to discover they were the problems and could be handled one by one, leaving my core identity safe and untouched. Once they were addressed, the only question left was what I was going to do to resolve my gender identity question. It took a while but, like you during the Covid lockdown I discovered there was nothing left for me as a male and the only path forward that was based in self-care was transition.
Just over 4 years ago I made the choice to try hormones with the idea that if it didn't feel right I could stop. I didn't stop and within that first year started to come out to family and my closest friends. In October it will be two years since I got my legal name and gender change and came out to the rest of the world. I understand there are valid reasons to avoid a medical transition, but it's always worth discussing it with your Primary Care Provider or a gender specialist. But first spend some time with a therapist to sort out your concerns that aren't medical, but involve relationships or your self-image.
I wish you well.
Sarah
