Recently found out my husband crossdresses & Need advice

[Deannaslife]

I woke up today with my head so much clearer then it has been and for that I thank you so much!
A few days ago I saw a therapist my Dr. recommended and told her what happened and she looked stunned. I think I shocked the poor thing. It's such a relief to be able to talk to people who really understand what I am going through. Your posts are medicine and I can not tell you how much I appreciate it! Good point about the std's. I was tested asap and tested negative. We did stop having sex about ten years ago but decided I better get tested anyway. The reason we stopped was he seemed to lose interest in it. I figured since we are older now and have been together since age 21 that might be the way it goes for some people.
Right now I feel like this: I am able to separate the crossdressing from the betrayal.
Now that I know more about crossdressing it seems rather innocent to me. I can live with that, but not the betrayal. I told him that I wish he told me ten years ago that he wanted to be with men and I could have made a choice at that point to leave. He said, he knew that was selfish on his part but he loves the family life and did not want to risk losing it.
Hugs, Deanna

[IleneD]

I've been slowly reading this thread over the last few days.
CONGRATULATIONS, and praise for all the Sisters on this forum. I am continually impressed with the advice and discussion offered here. Your answers up and down this thread nailed the issue, and even helped the originator Deanna some relief and insight. IMO, this forum is famous for that. You speak with experience, wisdom and courage.

This forum tells it like it is, and not in plaintive tones of hollow acceptance (oh, everything goes; everything's alright). You say what needs to be said and not what writers wish to be said.

No one stood up and tried to make excuses for her husband simply because he dresses. No-one tried to whitewash the thread. You all spoke openly and honestly, with integrity and love. True love and concern.

Threads and advice like I see here are what makes me proud to be a member of this CD.com club. It's why I frequent the board. Your collective advice has literally saved my life and saved y marriage. I've learned so much just being here.

I praise you all who addressed Deanna, and who address all of our concerns, turmoils and joys. There's days I wish I could bring everyone on this board to a great hall and throw a party; a get together.

[Stacy Darling]

So! your doctor recommended a therapist and you say your therapist was Stunned?

You were tested ASAP and the test were negative? No HIV test then? Please!!!

Please don't mistake crossdressing for any other crime of which you are going to commit us of!

Stacy!

[Tina_gm]

Wow Stacy, maybe you should read her posts a bit more thoroughly. She has totally separated the cding. And says cding would be acceptable. Her issues are of her husband's infidelity and of the worst kind. Craigslist meet ups are pretty much the cesspool of meet ups. It would be unwise of her not to get tested and had only to do with the type of men her husband has been with.

[jennifer0918]

If he doesn't want to risk losing his "family life" then don't engage in risky behavior! Sweetie leave him,move on with your life its over,the trust is broken

[Stacy Darling]

Sorry Mutt!

I went into bat for someone with no back-up!

I'm still here, and I have the back up! and that's just me!

Prove to me what this Guy has done!

[AmandaM]

He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants both his "good life" and the ability to hit the dive bars looking for men to ravage him. He might get HIV. You don't need condoms for hand jobs, but you do for oral, etc. And condoms can break. I think sooner or later he might get hurt. There are some real weirdos out there, especially those looking for these kinds of hookups. What happens if he meets a burly guy who wants bareback? And he's in a dive hotel? He could even get raped.

[Stephanie47]

Stacy, sometimes I just do not understand you. I'm totally befuddled. Deanna pretty much summed it all up as far as her hubby goes. Meeting men off Craig's List and using the terminology of "wanted to be with men" is usually a nice way of saying having a sexual relationship. Deanna has not inferred that all cross dressing men are like her husband. She has separated crossdressing from the issues of infidelity. It really does not matter if her husband wore or didn't wear a dress when he met up with men off Craig's list.

He engaged in acts of betrayal. Acts that are outside the commitment of marriage. Years ago I heard the plight of a woman who discovered her husband had engaged in gay sex. She expressed the opinion if her husband had cheated with a woman, she could have a chance to win him back. But, she said, how can I compete with a man.

Take the clothes off Deanna's husband and it comes down to the stated admission he has had encounters with men. Deanna has to deal with a totally false relationship that is occurring. Oh, I'm sure her husband is balling his eyes out over his "stupidity." Now he faces censure from his children. The world will try to guess what went wrong. Dissolution comes with economic consequences.

If I am going to take a stab at all this I'd venture a guess he was leading a heterosexual life style, when he truly is a gay man. Cross dressing men have their fantasies concerning sex with men. The concern is when it no longer is a fantasy, i.e. you act upon the fantasy.

Now comes the peril or consequences of the husband's action. He made his choice years ago, so I'd kick him to the curb. A woman is entitled to a man in a committed relationship. A woman does not have to live with the nagging thoughts of whether her husband is still cheating. Or whether he would rather be with a man than his wife.

And, frankly, whether a man is a heterosexual or homosexual or a cross dresser or not or whether it is a woman, there is only one reason 99.99% of men and women carry a condom in their wallet or purse. Given what Deanna has shared with this forum, I don't think the condom is for any "leakage" issues.

[Micki_Finn]

Don’t mean to be THAT person, but are you sure he’s crossdressing? Not a lot of detail in your post, and we’ve certainly seen plenty of stories here of wives finding clothing and thinking their husband is cheating. Is it possible you have the opposite situation on your hands? Or that he lead you to believe that because he thought it would be easier to accept than him cheating with women?

[Stacy Darling]

Stephanie!

I Respect you a lot and will not engage into an argument with you!

That is how much I respect you!

Not that I'm not up for it!

I'm so tired of any of us being accused of doing what the f@!& ever, whilst just grocery shopping!

Has this Girl had her say?

She is one of me!

[Alice B]

I have to agree with Docsherry. It is time to move on. It will be painfull and difficult, but it is time to think about yourself and your future happiness.

[Stephanie47]

Stacy, I also do not wish to debate or argue with anyone. My only concerns I have with postings on this forum is the interjection of other people's experiences when the post deal with a specific and unique set of circumstances. Deanna pretty much hung it all out there to dry. Micki postulates it is possible Deanna's husband is engaged in infidelity with a woman and the clothing, presumably in his size, really belongs to the woman he is cheating with or just bought to make the plot sicker. That is such a stretch. Husband really wants to dump his wife so he creates a situation where a stash of women's clothing will be found by an unsuspecting wife. Then he can spring it on her that he is a cross dresser who engages in sexual activity with men. The end result she dumps him and he lives happily ever after with another woman? I got to relay that to the soap opera writers. From what I saw last night on Grey's Anatomy last night (girl on girl) and a 1:00 PM soap last week (boy on boy), society really needs to find some more titillating story lines. Maybe Deanna's husband is a member here and will think, "Wow!" maybe my wife will buy that line and it will all blow over.

I guess I just need to get outside and scrape that moss of the roof.

[TheHiddenMe]

I'm a big fan of sex columnist Dan Savage. I think Deanna would be well served by reading some of his columns on the issues of infidelity (or listening to his podcasts).

I think we all are in agreement the cross dressing and the sex outside of marriage are two different issues; one does not cause the other.

It's possible the husband is bi, and not gay. However, the additional information about no sex for 10 years suggests he is gay.

Savage talks about compassionate marriage, where the married partners live together because of love, but have sex with others. He also discusses having sex outside of marriage so that the person who is "cheating" can stay same.

The percentage of people who have sex with individuals other than their spouses (i.e., cheating) is very high. Not all of these episodes lead to divorce. Probably every one on these boards knows someone who has an affair but the partners put it behind them and stay married.

As to finding condoms, yes, it indicates sex, but would it have been better to have unprotected sex???? Isn't the husband being responsible?

In fact, the husband could have been a better husband because he was having sex outside the marriage; it is certainly possible. Especially if the couple hadn't had sex for 10 years.

The question has to be, was Deanna happy with her life for the past 10 to 15 years while her husband was living his secret life? If the answer is yes, then why does the marriage need to end?

None of us can answer these questions; only Deanna and her husband can. But as I wrote above, Dan Savage has talked a lot about these issues, and I would encourage Deanna to read some of his thoughts on these types of issues.

[ellbee]

Now that I know more about crossdressing it seems rather innocent to me.

Thank you for that simple yet totally awesome comment, Deanna!


Generally speaking, I completely agree with you. Crossdressing, in and of itself, is really no big deal.

At face value, it's just clothing that can ultimately be removed & swapped out, make-up that can be washed off, a wig that can taken off & put aside. We are just fellow human beings, under it all.


Of course, stick around for any length of time, and you'll find that crossdressing for any of us can potentially have a bit of a "dark side," as well -- like anything can, really.

For example, too much time, money and/or energy can potentially (and unintentionally) be spent on it... Getting too wrapped up in it & focusing too much on ourselves, when perhaps sometimes that should instead be directed towards other people or other things in life. Hey, it happens. As long as we can try to develop & maintain a healthy relationship with it, it shouldn't cause too many issues, and we can lead a fairly normal life (if there is actually such a thing!) like anyone else can.


And yes, while some people in our lives (including significant others) and in society, in general, are able to accept it & even embrace it, there are others who may frown upon it, to say the least. It may sound silly, especially given its apparent innocence, but it's not always easy trying to personally deal with this part of ourselves & how it can affect others who may not understand or agree with it, while still trying to be true to ourselves.

Honestly, we didn't ask for this in our lives... But it's there, part of who we are, and we just try to make the best from the hand that we were dealt in life.



This is certainly a fun group here on this forum, though! Sure, we may have our little squabbles & what-not -- this is the internet, after all.

But poke around some more, and you'll find some entertaining, informative & interesting things with all this! For example, one of the recent threads here has to do with "under-dressing at work." I mean, I suppose to some people out there, it's such a wild notion that perhaps the police officer who pulls you over for speeding is actually wearing panties under his uniform, or the guy working in the produce section of your supermarket is sporting a fresh pair of pantyhose under his pants while stacking up those apples, or your mailman could be wearing a sports-bra under his shirt as he's delivering your mail! And odds are, you'll never know! Crazy, right? Next time you're out & about, perhaps something to ponder with each & every male you run across.

Of course, there's no harm in any of that, really. It's just a fun & innocent thing that some of us may do sometimes, at least at some point in our lives. Again, it's just an article of clothing... No big whoop, really. Though at the same time, wearing it can mean a lot to us, on any & all sorts of levels.


Anyway, enough babbling for now. Thank you again for your great comment, because there is a lot of truth to it.

[BrendaPDX]

I am sincerely sorry for your discomfort, I can't imagine how you must feel. To answer your question directly; No. It would not be that easy to stop, not for me anyway. There are a lot of good people here with sage advice, I am not one of them. Best of my wishes. Sincerely, Brenda

[Ashleyrobyn831]

Let me start by saying that anything I say is just my opinion, and that situations are so unique to those involved that it's hard to offer any truly useful advice from afar.
But as a tg/cd who's been married for a long time to a woman who has been wonderfully accepting and supportive, I can say without hesitation that had I not been upfront about it from day one it would have been a drastically different story. Also, had I ever strayed physically, she would have been out the door; a large part of the reason my wife has always been so supportive is precisely because she never felt she had to worry that I'd want to go out and be with a man. So while I think it's great that you're seeking to understand your husband's cross dressing, the fact that he has been so deceptive makes it so much more complicated. Fear of negative reaction is no excuse for deceiving a spouse, and there is no good excuse for infidelity in any form. So it really comes down to two things for me: do you want the marriage to continue badly enough to forgive what he's done already, and do you believe that he will stop the lies and betrayals if you do forgive? If he cross dresses for its own sake and not just as an aspect of sleeping with men, then odds are he won't stop and you'll have to be willing to accept that with him.
I wish you the best whatever you decide to do, and it breaks my heart to hear what he has put you through, but I would like to say for the record that most cd/tg are good, kind, loving people who wouldn't dream of hurting those they live in such a way--you don't seem the type anyway, but please don't let this pain taint your view of all of us. 😊
Best of luck sweetie, and I'd love to hear how it all works out once you work through it all.

[Becky Blue]

Deanna, so sorry to hear your sad story, my heart goes out to you . As you and so many others have said the CDing and the unfaithfulness are unconnected. Basically he has been cheating on you, whether it is with men or women or whether he is crossdressed or not does not change the fundamental fact that he cheated on you repeatedly....