I knew there was a reason I like you, Ilene.
I am so glad to hear that things have taken a better turn. You truly did have us worried.
Keep in mind that the hurt being experienced by others is nothing more than an artifact of your transgender awakening. It is not something you've chosen. It is not your fault, and it is unfair for anyone, yourself included to make you feel as if it is. I could go on about how the condition is invisible to others and it's the treatment that is the choice, but you know all that. It is important that your wife not just understand that, but internalize it. Skilled intervention will help. Please get some. It will provide more than just education, it can provide perspective that is not yours and not hers. And coping skills. The pro's have been at this for a long time, and have figured out what works. Does it always work? Sadly, no, but it will be your best shot at keeping your 40 year marriage together.
You will be in my prayers.
Hugs,
Kelly