How to stop going out

[leannejacobs]

Yes you read it correctly, I know many are trying to get out, I go out and I love it but I know I need to stop this as I keep pushing boundaries, I only go out in the evenings in another city but I know many people who are likely to be out and about and I fear being spotted, my wife knows I dress but not that I venture outdoors, she would most definately hit the roof, I love her dearly and do not want to upset her so my best option is to stop before I get found out.

She's great with my dressing and even encourages it when she recognises that i need to, the going out is part of what she fears, "progression" I'm happy as a man and have no desires to change my sex she knows this but is fearful of where it might lead, is there anyone out there with a similar problem who can give me some advice??

[Lauri K]

I may not can help you much, but will give you a quick comment or two.

First I always hear of everyone's fear of being spotted, if you are living as a true male like you say you are .....I can guarantee you no one is going to recognize you dressed as a CD .....short of bumping into your neighbor leaving or entering your home.

There is a reason that you are wanting to push the boundaries, but you sound to be trying to deny yourself the achievement of getting more freedom to dress ......so I take ot that your mind is wanting you to pursue this more but for whatever reason you are trying to rein it in or stop it (guilt, fear, the wife, etc)

As to where you are going on this journey who knows, but for me personally I could never stop pushing boundaries and I am still pushing them now.

My advice is to try to get your wife to go out with you a few times so she can see it is not a big deal, if she encourages you like you mentioned it sounds like it would not be out of the question to encourage her to go out with you to dinner or something dressed over in the other town for now until she get's some comfort with you being out.

Otherwise you will always have the "wife going through the roof" in the back of your mind every time you are out without her knowing.

LK's free advice special on Thursday

[Teresa]

LeanneJ.,
If you must go out maybe try and find a social group to join , my wife has accepted that but it would be different if I just went out without any reason .

[Jenniferathome]

Leanne, I think you are trying to treat a symptom and not the cause.

how about explaining to your wife that you do want go out AND you are still not transioning nor gay, etc. while I do understand it can be perceived as "progressing" you can explain your feelings to her.

As as for being "found out" simply go further from home. You can get hit by lightening too, but it probably won't happen.

[Kate Simmons]

If you feel it is more of a choice than a compulsion, I don't see any problem doing that.

[Alice Torn]

Like others said, talk to her about it. If she still forbids it, You will need to put your commitment to your spouse first.

[mykell]

leanne you need to have some sort of discussion with her.....and she accepts this side of you,
i dont know if going in public is progression of your dressing per se, it is being done in another location,
my wife's wish is that i dont leave the house dressed.....its stressful but i honer it and understand the reason,
teresa and myself attend social support groups, mine are structured....there is a chance for each person to speak but is not required,
also there are meet-up groups, ive started one and ive joined some.... all with my wife's knowledge.
when i came out to her the first question was do i go out dressed,
cant hurt to ask.....you might get out guilt free and meet other folks. if she is against it id say you need to abide by that though.

[Rachelakld]

Unfortuntely, we can either be the person we need to be, or we can be NOT the person we should be.
yes, I also get the grumpy mode that my wife picks up on and tells me to go for a girls coffee.

As to stop pushing boundaries, like asking the human race to go back in to the caves, not going to happen, sorry.
I recommend accepting your need to push boundaries, and working on a plan to do so safely (I don't ofen do night or evening adventures as I find mornings safer when my kids friends are often sleeping).

[heatherdress]

What are the other boundaries you enjoy pushing and what are the risks, if any? Crossdressing at night in another city does not seem to be very risky if your wife knows what you are doing and if you stay in safe neighborhoods. But are there more boundaries you want to push? Are they beyond crossdressing? Are they dangerous? If so, or if you feel out-of-control, maybe you should speak to a therapist.

[LeahVonT]

Hi
I think Lauri had the right idea up the top there. As your wife is encouraging and open to your 'need' then see if she'll go for a girly night out in the other town (or further afield where no one knows either of you) 'for the giggles', as it were. Keep it light hearted! I think so many problems are caused by folk thinking the worst will happen so it seems to the spouse like an even bigger deal. It could be fun, an adventure.. something mischevious to share in. The boundaries you are pushing just now are your wife's, really, when you probably just want to be pushing the boundaries of yourself/Joe Public? You are having the adventures on your own, making mischief behind her back. Much better if you could do it together! Dress up, drink wine together and say "hey, let's get dolled up one night and go to [insert small town name here] and turn some heads, perhaps?

Whatever you do in life, have fun with it!

[Helen_Highwater]

Leanne,

As other have already alluded to why not ask your SO if it's ok to go to a group meeting. Point out that if there's someone there who recognises you then they're a CD to. Relate you're need to share and interact with like minded people. If you can get her to go with you and hopefully she'll see that it's not such a big deal and relax the rules a bit. If your SO gets to talk with other CD's or their SO's she may feel more comfortable about being in public.

[leannejacobs]

Maybe pushing boundaries was the wrong way to put it, I just find myself going into bigger spaces with more people i.e. The big shopping centre, it's very big and I tend to go in one end and out the other, I don't shop, just casually make my way through, it gives me such a buzz, I've been in a number of stores and have on occasion made a purchase and used the self service tills, I've been in a lgbt friendly bar a couple of times, apart from being dressed I'm not doing and wouldn't do anything to jeopardise my marriage.
I have visited a transgender girl that I talk to on FB, just for a coffee and a chat, it was quite refreshing, she lives pretty much full time as a girl where as I am just a CDer and have no desires to be anything but.
I have actually been out dressed in that city with my wife, we went to the Rocky Horror Picture Show I kind of made my own adaptation of dressing as a character it really was a great night and we ventured out to a couple of bars before and after, we met a nice couple and sat for a few drinks with them, the girl asked if I had real breasts lol she was well impressed with my cleavage lol
I was encouraged to dress last night and we sat and had a few drinks, she gets bold with alcohol and tends to ask more questions about my feelings and needs, I dare say that it could be an opportunity to share my need to go out next time, my fear then is if she is dead against it, how can I go against her wishes.

[Krisi]

You probably shouldn't go against her wishes.

For me, the hardest part about going out is getting to the vehicle from my house and back. That's the time I would be recognized. What I do is leave and return underdressed and finish dressing and undressing in the vehicle in a parking lot somewhere. Of course, this makes going out a lot more trouble than it should be and limits the number of times I go out.

I think the chance of being recognized when out is pretty low if you do a good job dressing and go "out" away from where people you know are likely to be. Going out with your wife is more risky because people might recognize her and you by association. Of course, for those here who are into the "man in a dress" thing, people will recognize you, you have to accept that.

To answer your original question of how to stop going out, that's simple; don't go out. Going out is a decision that you make so just make the decision not to go out.

[Lynn Marie]

You have an obsession that causes you to deceive your wife and will very likely destroy your marriage and family. Get a grip! Be a man and a husband, or allow yourself to be obsessed with being a CD. It doesn't make any sense at all to jeopardize your marriage and family just to dress up and go out! Do one or the other, don't deceive people. It's evil.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

The significant thing is that you relish pushing this particular boundary, despite the ticking clock of eventual discovery.

IMO your femme side, Leanne, is increasingly in charge and her ultimate agenda is for you to be discovered, so that she can out herself.

Be brutally honest with yourself: is that what you want? If the answer is no, I'd suggest you seek an effective therapist immediately. I'm not saying you shouldn't out yourself, but I think you need to be more mature about your present lifestyle- or be prepared to pay the price in marital stress and possible divorce.

Good luck with your decision.

...don't deceive people. It's evil.

It isn't evil, it's irresponsible.

[Joni T]

If you want to stop, stop. It's a thing called will power. It's like smoking or drinking, or anything else. I quit drinking 40 years ago--got poured into bed one too many times and said that's it. That was that. How badly do you want to stop?
Jon

[Roxy]

I think, several years ago, I figured out I will never completely stop dressing. When at home with my wife I dress in a night gown or slip light at night. Last summer when it was really hot out, my wife surprised me, I was complaining about my clothes sticking to my skin, she grabbed a light, stretchy mini skirt and said try this. It was great. I started wearing it everyday at home during the heat wave. She started getting worried about the neighbors seeing me. To calm her worries, I stopped wearing it.
Sorry if this is slightly off subject.

[Liz57]

If your wife has gone to Rocky Horror Picture Show with you dressed and even went to bars before and after it seems like you have all the chance in the world of going out in public with her blessing if you just go about it right. I like the idea of going to meet up groups or something of that sort where as mentioned, if someone there knows you then they are a cd also. It would be a good start. Certainly you can find her in a moment of weakness, maybe when you guys have been drinking and bring something like that up. I'm sure her main fear is having people you know find out which is totally understandable. If you can arrange situations where that won't happen she ought to be amenable.

As to pushing boundaries. I think most of us here know that we're going to continually push boundaries in one way or another. One, it's human nature. Two, in this situation of cross dressing it's just such a thrill to go beyond what you have dared in the past. It feeds your ego, proving to yourself how brave you are. Three, most of us just love to push others comfort levels especially if they are the kind to unfairly look down on cross dressers as some sort of perverts or something. Human nature, who truly understands it.

Sounds like your wife is very understanding, it's just a matter of presentation.

Liz

[Cara Lacey]

If you really want to stop going out, you may try what happened to me.
I saw myself in a video, with a bunch of cross-dressers and TG. We all look ridiculous! This was a beauty pageant for cross-dressers and transgender people, and nobody I mean nobody was moving or acting like women.

It reminded me of a room full of people doing very bad John Wayne impersonations.


I was so embarrassed I have never gone out since.

[Alice Torn]

Cara, Interesting post there. i never thought of such a thing, but, that would affect a Cd, and make one consider about staying in.

[Tracii G]

As you say alcohol makes her ask more questions how about offering a challenge go shopping as GF's and go to dinner.
Ask her questions while you are out put her to the test for once.
She may like the idea of something totally different for a day.
I ran into my daughter and son in law out dressed on day and was within 5 feet of them and they didn't recognize me at all so not much chance of someone knowing its you.

[leannejacobs]

I can see where Cara is coming from, I've watched some YouTube videos of CDers in public and some of them really do look rediculous, stomping along like they have a balloon between their knees, obviously there are plenty of convincing ones but there are some who are terrible and have posted lots of videos, they must be deluded, thinking it looks natural.

Personally I've actually video'd myself walking and actually have a very good stance, I tend to walk arms folded, holding the strap of my shoulder bag, it's the way I've seen many women walk and it works well for me, I've tried the swinging arm but I don't seem to be able to keep my elbows in far enough.

My height is my biggest issue, if I wasn't so tall I'd be a lot more comfortable and feel less likely to be recognised.

[Krisi]

If you really want to stop going out, you may try what happened to me.
I saw myself in a video, with a bunch of cross-dressers and TG. We all look ridiculous! This was a beauty pageant for cross-dressers and transgender people, and nobody I mean nobody was moving or acting like women.

It reminded me of a room full of people doing very bad John Wayne impersonations..

I get the same feeling watching the TV show I am Cait. While she might pass in a photo, the arm and body movements are purely male.

That said, I don't watch the show, it has no purpose. I try but after a few minutes I have to turn it off.

[Cara Lacey]

But its not just walking, it's every other movement. None of these people including myself pulled out a chair like a woman, open the door like a woman, stood at the bar like a woman, or drank or ate like a woman.
It made me very aware of peoples movement. Now I recognize people more by the way they move, than by the way they look. But that is also a result of a vision impairment.

One time my wife and I were in a restaurant. There was a very tall blonde woman with very large feet and hands sitting next to me. I was undecided, whether she was TG, until she got her food. Once she started eating, I had no doubt.

[deebra]

Leanne I like my solution to your problem, by the way, I feel and do exactly as you have been doing. Liz and Cara's threads are right on. Here's what I suggest, tell your wife you really want to do this and you'll do it in another city; the two of you travel to that city one night, you get out of the car and walk thru the mall, in stores and shop, in the food court for a cup of coffee "and have her follow you at a safe distance just observing you and everybody around you", then set down and get her reaction. You said the two of you have been out together at night and she was O.K. with it. I hope she would learn that there is nothing wrong with doing it alone. I would hate to see you give this up when the urge is so strong to do it.