Which came first?

[Frédérique]

[SIZE="2"]Which came first for you – the gender identity crisis, or the MtF crossdressing?

Did you think of yourself as a girl, wrongly imprisoned in a boy’s body, so crossdressing just naturally emerged as a form of much-needed expression? Maybe you couldn’t relate to boys in a traditional sense, yet females seemed like kindred spirits, or perhaps your entire existence seemed WRONG, and you wished to achieve some sort of equilibrium via crossdressing...

Or maybe you just naturally gravitated towards crossdressing for a myriad of reasons, and you never thought about an identity crisis. You were fascinated by what kind of clothes the girls wore, and slowly, over time, you inched towards the big moment when you would actually step over the line and become a crossdresser. That last sentence describes my initiation into the odd but wonderful world of MtF crossdressing, and I keep my fascination cultivated at all times...

Of course, once you branch out and explore the CD world you now inhabit, questions of gender identity will emerge – am I really supposed to be a girl, am I on the road to becoming a female, and do I have to be attracted to, or be attractive to, the gender I am leaving behind? These are all decent (and important) questions, but some of us began to crossdress simply because we just like to dress up. Oh, the same questions come rushing into one’s psyche like a flashflood, but you can just crossdress for the sheer pleasure of it...

There are things that are debated ad infinitum in this section, perhaps reflecting the many ways one can either approach or absorb MtF crossdressing – was I meant to BE female, AM I a female, or am I on the path to becoming female? You know, just because there are questions doesn’t mean there are answers. I was born a male, and when I began to dress as a girl the wheels in my mind started turning – the dressing made sense, at long last, and I felt at ease for the first time in my life. However, this nagging gender question persists – was I really supposed to be a girl? What happened? Surely my crossdressing means something, or does it?

Honestly, I see very little difference between the sexes, and this helps me to deflect any notions about gender identity. This revelation arose during my years spent as a boyish boy, doing boyish things and being “aligned” along boyish lines. I had a female cousin two years younger than me, but she was a little more boyish than I was! In her presence, I retained my sensitive nature while she took the lead, and we explored our childhood landscape together. Away from my cousin, I felt ill at ease amongst other boys, not really jibing with all the things they either liked or disliked – I didn’t fit it as a result. Was I really supposed to be a girl? Hmmm...

At the time, that thought never crossed my mind, but when I crossed the genders via dressing I began to see things more clearly. I was not questioning my sexuality, but there was a definite kinship with the “other” side, for lack of a better definition – the genders were blurred, but, to me, my new contours were sharply defined. I will never actually BE a girl, but perhaps I can get very close to an approximation of one, using dressing as a conduit to the denied (not promised) land. Of course I’m going to dress up, and of course I’m going to question why I’m doing it, but this is the best I can do, under the circumstances – I am a boy who wishes to be a girl, but I can never quite reach my destination...

During the course of the day, there is a chance to crossdress, and I always look forward to it, even after years of doing the same old thing. It’s always special, and it’s VERY special to be a boy who dresses like a girl – this is my identity, free of crisis, an end in itself. In my case, the tactile splendor of crossdressing came first, but the “act” opened up a Pandora’s Box of gender identity issues – these are not unwanted, but, if anything, it makes crossdressing that much more mysterious and...dare I say...beautiful. Through MtF crossdressing I get in touch with the gender I am not, and I can dream about being a girl, at least for a little while. This has a nurturing effect, modifying the “boy” into something I want to be...

Of course, you may have never suffered through a gender identity crisis, preferring to simply dress up and enjoy the experience, but it is my concerted opinion that putting on women’s clothing DOES affect one’s mindset about gender. You can’t help but wonder about things, or yearn for things that are just out of reach – alone, in a new environment of your own making, you come face to face with something that is completely unexplainable. Hold that thought while I continue to dress, OK?

Which came first for YOU? [/SIZE]

[kimdl93]

for me, the uncertain gender identity was evident long before I ever thought of wearing women's clothing. The thoughts about being a girl may be my earliest recollections...vague as they were at the time. And evidently, things I did around home were noticed by my siblings and parents, because for a time I was teased about being "a house boy" whatever that implied. I gradually learned to recognize and suppress those behaviors that lead to Teasing or rebukes.

Putting on women's clothing has affected my mindset about gender, certainly. For a long time, I just underdressed, and couldn't allow myself to believe that I could pull off a fully feminine presentation. But several years ago curiosity got the better of me and I tried dressing completely feminine for the first time. The results, though a little rough at first, opened my mind to the possibility that I could do this. And as I've grown more comfortable and confident in my presentation, I have to acknowledge that I'm more open to the possiblity of living full time as a woman.

[Angela Campbell]

For me it started around the time I was about 4. I knew I wanted to be a girl and I knew they had different clothes and they would not give those to me. I had friends who were girls and they had the clothes I wanted to wear. They also had barbies, doll houses and so many other toys I could not have. The boys were around too and I played with them but they were no fun most of the time and sometimes they were mean. I knew even before kindergarden I should be a girl but was taught I was not to be one. So I played dress up with my mothers clothes, I played dress up with the barbies and I generally did the things the girls did even though it probably made my life harder. This is why I crossdress to this day more than 50 years later. The desire to be a girl came first then came wearing the clothes. (mostly because when young it is very difficult to get the clothes to wear.) I remember in the bathtub using washclothes as garments. I would drape them across my body as the panties, another for the bra, then a slip then a top and a skirt. I would often get into trouble for using so many washclothes in a bath.

Thinking back now I am sure that i did so because at that young time and frame of mind the clothes were the thing that made a difference between being a boy or a girl.

[Beverley Sims]

Long before I started dressing I used to play tea parties with girls with all of us taking turns to be the visiting mother with a baby.
Although I never volunteered to be mother I was often put in this role and had no objections.
It was all a part of a game. I interacted with the girls as much as with the boys. Maybe I enjoyed being with the girls but never thought that my mother role was sexually oriented. Sometimes I would be dressed up in an evening dress and high heels to go out, this just completed an illusion and was no extra thrill or anything like that. Later when I started dressing things did change
I did have a better interaction with the girls and was the only boy invited to the girls birthday parties.
In return I had both boys and girls at my party, they did not mix well. All about eight at the time.

[Foxglove]

Which came first for you – the gender identity crisis, or the MtF crossdressing?

Did you think of yourself as a girl, wrongly imprisoned in a boy’s body. . .

Given that I put on a dress for the first time at the age of 4, I suppose that gender identity was first. But I don't know that I'd call it a "crisis", nor did I think of myself as a girl. I just did it, without knowing why. There were other things like that in my childhood that indicated there was a gender identity problem, but it was a lot of years before I really started thinking about things. I didn't like thinking when I was young.

But on the other hand, I'd say that in my childhood/youth there was nothing but clothing that indicated that there was a gender identity problem. I never wanted to play with dolls, e.g. Probably the reason for that was that my sister didn't have any dolls, not that I can remember anyway. My sister certainly wasn't a tomboy, but we were a family very much into sports. Always playing lots of different games and going to lots of different sporting events. My mother and sister were into them as much as my dad, my brother and I were. So outward appearances would never have led anyone to guess that I had a gender identity problem.

Honestly, I see very little difference between the sexes, and this helps me to deflect any notions about gender identity.

I see lots of differences between the sexes, and that accentuates my gender identity problem. I'm constantly aware of the gulf between what I am and what I might have been.

Annabelle

[KarenCDFL]

For me it was the GID. The dressing was just a way to match the brain with the look.

I sort of remember as far back when I was 3 or 4 that I wondered why my mom was dressing me like the other boys when I should have been dressed as a girl.

At that time I was trying on my mom's stockings and tights and putting on her lipstick. Always hiding it of course.

I continued to dress up more as private time allowed which is not much when you are a young child.

The big hit came as I got more freedom at 1 years old when I did not need a baby sitter when my mom went out.

The rest is history.

[Lorileah]

I have a feeling this is going to end up as a cut and paste for the majority here. I was about 4 years old and I remember distinctly asking the babysitter (who was the neighbor lady) why they had sewn me shut. Now how a 4 year old only child (and the neighbor lady had 3 sons no daughters) would even know about anatomy is amazing to me. I did not have access to girl's clothing so dressing wasn't an issue. I have always envied I guess females. I wanted what they had (not just anatomy but everything).

Seems that a few years ago the question arose as to when you first knew or suspected that you were in the wrong vessel. And as I remember many responses were 4-6 years old.

[Kerstin]

I never had those 'I should be a girl' feelings at a young age, and AFAIK didn't exhibit typically girly behaviour. My gender consciousness if I can call it that didn't surface until later in life. But for years I've sought opportunities to present as female. I just never thought about it because it was something I was compelled to do, so I just did it without thinking there was anything deeper behind it.

[carhill2mn]

I don't know if the term "gender identity" was even in use when I started "dressing". If it was, I never knew about it until many,
many years later.

[Brittany CD]

I don't have a gender identity crisis, just a regular proud guy. Just want to put on a wig and smile every now and then

[Veronica27]

It appears like I might be a loner on this thread. The dressing came first; well actually the gender identity thing has never surfaced. As a young boy, I mostly ignored girls, had no interest in any of their toys or games and was always quite happy and glad that I was a boy. I had an older brother and sister, but the sister was somewhat of a tomboy, which meant that we were pretty much a family of three boys. Things changed somewhat in our teens as they usually do and my sister became a typical teenage girl, interested in boys and clothes, while I became fascinated by my pubescent attraction to girls, although I was far too shy to do much about it. Besides, my brother, who was my primary role model of boyhood did not bother with girls until he was much older, so I followed suit.

Crossdressing began when my pubescent curiosity and growing attraction to girls began to take over my thoughts. I began to notice all the things they did that were unlike anything boys did, including the unusual clothing they were beginning to wear. The only way to satisfy that curiosity, especially about the clothing seemed to be to explore my sister's things when no one else was around, and I began to try on things like bras and garters. There was a perfectly natural but unwanted sexual component to those early adventures, and I was always frustrated when it got in the way of my explorations. The sexual aspect gradually passed, but it was very difficult to escape the guilt and shame. Lack of opportunity severely limited my dressing, but daydreams and fantasies continued well into adulthood. I never felt any doubt about who and what I was, throughout all these years, and I never experienced any desire to actually be a girl. The desire to have a sexual relationship with a girl continued to grow stronger and stronger and was finally satisfied when I met and married my wife to be.

I don't believe that a desire to experience some of the superficial aspects of womanhood necessarily has anything to do with our awareness of our gender or confusion over our sex. At most, it might represent a slightly higher dominance of some of those elements of our personality that have been deemed by our culture to be feminine than is found in the average male. We are expressing our femininity, but in another time and another place, those same qualities might be viewed as more masculine than feminine.

Veronica

[Samantha43]

My experience is very similar to Veronica's. I have never had a gender identity crisis. I have always identified with males. I have had crossdressing feelings since I was very young and acted on them the first time when I was 12 or 13. I liked girls. I also liked the clothing they wore. It was a little confusing when I was younger, but I got through it without any emotional distress. I met my wife when we were 19. She met Sami a short time later. We have been together for 30 wonderful years.

When I don't have my heels and makeup on, you can find me watching football, woodworking, at the shooting range, under a car hood or drinking beer with my buds at the local watering hole. Pretty much all male stuff. Hanging out with women or shopping really drives me nuts. I came to the conclusion that I will never understand why I like to crossdress a long time ago. It sure is an enjoyable experience though!

[Amy A]

A lot of the questions you ask are ones I have asked myself. I don't know any of the answers yet, but a good friend recently told me thats OK .

I often read people on here saying that the age of 3-4 was when they first realised they were in the wrong body... I don't mean to question anyone elses experiences, rather just offer my own, but at the age of three I had very little concept of gender, much less the trappings of femininity. I was just me. I don't remember much of how I felt at that time. I was quiet, shy, and overly sensitive. I remember about the age of 8 or 9, seeing some girls on TV and thinking I wanted to grow up like them, and I remember cross dressing from about 11 onwards. I was never particularly good at being a boy; more artistic and creative than sporty, shy rather than confident, a daydreamer rather than a risk taker. My mother even used to call me Daisy when I was very young, and I often wonder whether her more affectionate and emotional treatment of me was a contributing factor in my gender dysphoria (don't get me wrong here, I love my mum and wouldn't change the way she brought me up for the world).

It's a complicated thing and it can be very difficult not knowing how you fit into the world. There's a lot ahead that I'm unsure of, and there's a lot behind me that I regret. My future choices are also further complicated by my love for a woman thats so strong, I often feel like I can't take it any more. Thankfully she loves me for my qualities that couldn't be attributed to masculinity or testosterone.

I do envy some of the members here who are able to view crossdressing as a fun activity and feel happy with their life as a man. I can't actually imagine what life must be like feeling at one with your body and gender.

[Lorileah]

I often read people on here saying that the age of 3-4 was when they first realised they were in the wrong body... but at the age of three I had very little concept of gender, much less the trappings of femininity.

Which to me is a key point. The very idea that a person at the age of 3-4-5 does have a concept of gender makes it seem to me that "gender dysphoria" or "Gender identity disorder" is a real thing. To me it is like many things that when one is old enough to know about, you wonder THEN if it is real or sort of acquired. It does add to the mystery doesn't it? Like if one decides at the age of say 13, is it more a sexual thing? Or at 60 is it more due to aging? Or at 35 because your life is changing? All in all it just reinforces how TGism is different for everyone. But on the other hand so many stories are so similar that there must be a reason.

The last thing we need is more labels. More boxes. It makes an interesting conversation though

[Angela Campbell]

At 4 years old I was quite aware of gender differences...to a point. I could also write all of my abc's and at 5 I was reading...some. (dick and Jane) My Mother was a teacher and so was her sister. I knew girls were different because of the females and males in my life. I did not know the anatomy with the exception of seeing my cousin in the tub (same age) but I knew they dressed differently and had different toys.

I can clearly remember wanting to be a girl, and being told to stop being silly, and having my older brother make fun of me because I played with dolls.

[Ressie]

I never thought I was trapped in the wrong body really. But at 17 I had a strong feeling that I wanted to be a girl. I wore a pair of silky doll's panties for days when I very young, probably 7 or 8, until mom found out.

[Julie Denier]

My experience is very similar to Veronica's. I have never had a gender identity crisis. I have always identified with males. I have had crossdressing feelings since I was very young and acted on them the first time when I was 12 or 13. I liked girls. I also liked the clothing they wore. It was a little confusing when I was younger, but I got through it without any emotional distress. I met my wife when we were 19. She met Sami a short time later. We have been together for 30 wonderful years.

When I don't have my heels and makeup on, you can find me watching football, woodworking, at the shooting range, under a car hood or drinking beer with my buds at the local watering hole. Pretty much all male stuff. Hanging out with women or shopping really drives me nuts. I came to the conclusion that I will never understand why I like to crossdress a long time ago. It sure is an enjoyable experience though!

This is me, too -- I'm all guy, except for the ... you know

[Moxie]

This makes me realize there are definitely two types of crossdressers - those who are transgendered and those who aren't.

My husband is the non transgendered type. I know this for certain now, having finally talked in depth with him about his need to crossdress, and reading here. It's not making my life any easier, but knowledge is power and all that. Sigh.

Anyway, thanks for this thread. It makes me realize that some of the arguments/disagreements I read here are because people are trying to communicate about something that looks the same from the outside, but can be vastly different on the inside. This has been one of those AHA moments, and actually incredibly helpful.

[I Am Paula]

Certainly by the time I started school I knew I was diffent. I played with the girls, played dress up with the girls, and all around related to them better. Barbies over baseball anytime. I got teased no end for being girly. By middle school, I did anything I could to get out of gym class, or more importantly, to avoid the locker room/showers. Being naked with the boys was torture, because I thought they could see I was the wrong sex. I discovered dressing to help align the mind and body.- Celeste

[Barbara Ella]

The thought of crossdressing did not enter my mind/life until i was 65. Now it is a vital part of my life, and my life has been broadened in a myriad of ways and I recognize my transgender situation. I recognize my transsexual nature. i suffer a bit because I am not able to do all I think could/should be done about them. Yes, as I now look back in hindsight I can see the signs, which at the time were all interpreted as typical male behavior. Obsession with the female form, drawing it in my youth, enjoying the long legs in hose with high heels, a flash of lace. All that made me horny, dressing does not.

Barbara

[Nicola2876]

As far as I can remember I've felt like I should've been female. I always wanted to be a girl when I was young way before I could understand why. I did wear girls clothes if given the chance. The dressing is just a natural progression I guess. I won't lie about being aroused in my teens by dressing but most teenagers are aroused 24/7 anyway. I dress because it makes me feel more at one with myself. I used to think surely all boys must want to be girls? Why wouldn't they?

[noeleena]

Hi,

What came first, wether i was a boy or girl.i cant answer that in a normal way, because i was born both boy/girl.

What happened after that no idear for 6 / 7 years i have no memory, a mind blank, In & out of hospital,i hit the door lintal then a fall off a males shoulders , i think it was .....my father, not really sure, had no father from age 5 / 6 on ,

Mom & i seperated from Bob was my father i spos, in the begining not that i knew that i was told after,

From age 10 on when my brain started to work i knew what i was, though not the words well it was 55 years ago,

Intersexed, oh yes i knew allright, maybe not much else though, i sure knew that detail, brain saw to that, then,

Things changed 19 years ago. that i knew about many years before i would live as a normal female / woman,

& have done since then, well i had to grow so really i had no issues about myself being what i am ,

It took a while for Jos to accept i really am a woman .8 years to get through that, just yes bloody hard, for Jos.

I spos the ? can be asked did i feel like a male or a female , you wont real honist, nether, because i dont really know,

I dont know what a male is never related to or with them an out sider .

Female i related with & to females yet theres some little details missing, i sort of know deep down just cant put my finger on it, i knew more about being female , that of cause is related to how im wired its just there. i never learned it .

Iv got to be carefull i dont put my maleness down what there is of it , because with out that part of who i am i would not be were i am now , so for what its worth im really a mix of both male / female.

Though accepted fully as a woman.

...noeleena...

[Carol P]

hello, I started dressing when I was 4 or 5. I dressed because I liked the feeling of the clothes(especially pantyhose) and that they looked so different from anything that I was used to wearing.I have never had a gender identity crisis.I like being a bloke, but I love wearing womens clothes.

[Raychel]

Definitly the crossdressing here. No real gender issues, I am a man Feel like a man, no desires to be a woman, just like to wear the clothes,

[deebra]

Frederick, referencing the last sentence in your seventh paragraph you say you are a boy wishing to be a girl, read my post on adolescent and let me/the forum know your answer.