For the closeted... How badly would you like to open that door and why not?

I am closeted. I keep the door closed mostly for those who might be affected by the disclosure of my true taste. I am a man-in-a-dress, or more accurately, a man-in-leggings. I present male, beard and all, but my preferred presentation would be to openly wear things from the "women's department". I do not present that way in public because of the stress it would put on my loved ones.

I pulled out my tubs of winter tops yesterday. I sorted through probably 30 or 40 items while wearing a pair of black leggings. I was struck by how much I enjoyed wearing the different items and how strongly I would like to just own my taste. I looked totally male, although most of the items were decidedly feminine. I loved the contrast of a cute sweater with my broad shoulders and my beard. I'm learning more and more that I love being "that guy".

Like I mentioned, I don't own that guy because of the likely effect it would have on loved ones.

I'm out to my wife, and have been out dressed a few times over the years... but am not "out" to anyone in my family/social circle. I DEFINITELY would love to be able to do it more often, but largely for family and friends who would not accept this without much ridicule, I don't. The company I work for is quite tolerant, but I'm sure it would still diminish me greatly in many of my co-workers' eyes. I'd like to not give a rat's rear end what people think, but life is stressful enough. I also wonder if there's a difference between accepting sexuality choices, or full TRANS choices... and someone who just wants to wear women's clothes. It seems this might be less understood.

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Originally Posted by VS Fan

I I also wonder if there's a difference between accepting sexuality choices, or full TRANS choices... and someone who just wants to wear women's clothes. It seems this might be less understood.

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You make a good point. From the outside, my preferred presentation would not give others a clear cut idea of who I am. I'm sure many would assume I'm gay or trans if I publicly dressed in my preferred styles. I'm not attracted to men and not wanting to attract men. I love being a hetero/monogamous man but I'm sure that I would NOT attract many women. I'm ok with that.

I understand where you are coming from. Due to many circumstances I will not put certain individuals into an awkward situation because of my clothing choices. My wife is the only one who knows about my particular tastes. In my case it is undergarments mostly. Hence I underdress all of the time, with her occasionally telling me if anything is showing while out in public. I really love to wear hosiery and skirts, which if a could go out without anyone knowing, I would go out for a walk in a heart beat. I do am just a guy, who looks like a guy, who would wear his lingerie and go for walks in hosiery, skirts, and running shoes, if it didn't cause a problem. But, it would.

hello Bea.
as a bearded man in a dress I regard my dressing as being private rather than secret.
I will wear unisex clothing, jewelry, make up and perfume in public.
I don't wear a dress or skirt in public. Nor would I wear men's pajamas and a dressing gown in public.
Does that mean I am closeted?
luv J

I don't actually have a lot of friends, but like many men, I share a number of acquaintances with my wife (the old joke...men don't have friends, they have wives who have friends who have husbands)...and there are several that I'd be more than happy to be out to. But y'know the old story about putting toothpaste back in the tube....once one other person knows then you can assume pretty much everyone knows. Not that that would necessarily break my heart, but it would probably negatively effect my wife.

I'm closeted, but I stay I'm closeted with the door cracked. I publicly go out with my nails painted, with perfume and women's jewelry on, and sometimes even eye shadow. I think my family knows but just doesn't want it confirmed. Everyone else I think just won't say anything, of course the question won't be "are you a crossdresser" it will most likely be "are you gay" in which case the answer is no. If someone were to ask me I wouldn't deny it. It's mostly my wife who wants to keep it a secret so I leave the door shut but cracked for her.

Bea, I'm a closet CD who didn't begin dressing until I split from my ex. I only dressed when she had the kids. And, even when they were older I didn't wish to tell them because it would be a burden for them to keep my secret!:doh:
However, they r all grown and know now.:thumbsup:

Unfortunately, many years ago I invited a new dresser here on CD.com to come to T Girl nite in Long Beach. I even invited her to our small group of T's who met for dinner 1st. When she arrived, a large girl, wearing just a dress with no forms, wig, or any other fem accessories, I could see some other T's were critical. Mostly she was ignored during dinner and didn't show up at Mary's afterwards. My T buddy confided that she was embarrassed to be around the new girl because she was such an obvious MIAD and made no attempt to hide it!:straightface:

I felt terrible because it was my fault for inviting her to dinner. Naively assuming T's r accepting folks. I'm here to tell u that thru personal experience, many r not! Even after all these years when Sherry shows up some T's that r just fine with me dressed, turn away!:eek:

I really would rather leave that door closed! I love going out fully enfemme but would not feel comfortable around anyone I knew locally. Not that they would recognize me very easily. I don?t care what other people think of the way I dress, other people I do not know and have to live around, not that I have that many real friends (has to do with the big C). Still, not going to see me mowing on my John Deere in a dress with full makeup any time soon!

Im at the point in my dressing I would like to come out to my wife but struggling to find the nerve to tell her about the joy wearing womens clothing gives me. I have no desire to share this side of me with any other family members or friends so I will continue to dress in public alone or in private.

The reply from VS fits me to a T. I have 4 brothers and no sisters and my mom is still alive as well. I know I probably couldn?t tell 1 of them without the word spreading like wildfire. I also work in a predominantly male trade, and I hear what everyone there says if someone is remotely feminine in any way. As said here, life is stressful enough without adding to it. My wife knows, and I?m good with that??for now.

Jocelyn,
I'm retired and I can tell you that I would NOT have ever allowed anyone I worked with see my feminine side. My dad's been gone for almost thirty years and my mom for ten years. I rarely see my siblings and would not want them to see that side either. My wife and my therapist have seen my feminine presentation and a couple of sales associates have gotten a glimpse.

I don't present AS a woman but rather as a man with a feminine aesthetic. I've been transitioning my wardrobe a bit to get ready for cooler weather and, as I've tried things on, I've been having a hard time reconciling how much I enjoy my preferred wardrobe versus how I have to hide any evidence of my aesthetic.

I spent my day yesterday wearing leggings and trying on a multitude of tops to verify fit and to reacquaint myself with some things I'd forgotten about. As I tried things on, I felt a nagging disappointment that I'll only be able to wear those things around the house.

The ship for any outward acceptance from my wife sailed a long time ago. My wife said, "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman." I pestered her to the extent that I came to realize it was akin to spousal mental abuse. If my wife were to reluctantly give me a nod to prepare dinner attire in a dress and heels and all the proper undergarments (pseudo breasts included) I would not feel comfortable. Her heart would not be in it. When I went on a ocean fishing trip for salmon she said "Go, have fun, but don't expect me to clean it." She basically said the same thing about my cross dressing desire when we had "The Talk." Se said it was alright with her if I wanted to join a support group. I looked (mid 1980's) and none were to be found. I have to make the assumption my kids and their families do not know of my needs. How would this knowledge change their perceptions of their father? Grandfather?

Bea, I think we're close to the same (minus the beard). I'm a guy and there's no way to avoid that, nor would I want to. I love women's clothes (no, they're MY clothes!) but I don't look like a woman at all, which is fine since I'm not and can prove it. I wish society would allow me to wear what I like wherever I like, but that's not reality. My wife and a couple of the kids are all that know that I lounge around in skirts and cami's. I am spending more time in front of friends and family in leggings (love them) and women's t-shirts (the ones with the really short sleeves and bigger neck opening) though, and most have seen me in anklets and my ever-present toe ring.

Fortunately, I have no great need to be 'accepted by the world' in female attire.
I don't go out dressed as a girl, simply because I have no desire to have to deal with the negative ramifications of doing so. I grew up the little kid, with an ugly birthmark on my face which made me a pariah to the other kids, and was made fun of daily by other children, all the way through my K-12 school years, getting picked on, and getting beaten up, and have no wish to go through that again. Having gotten beaten up for being different as a child, I don't want to go through my adult life like 'a boy named Sue', fighting the knuckle draggers my whole life through. Sure, I'm now a 6'4", 265 pound monster of a man, but fighting as an adult just gets us in jails and legal costs, and I don't need that. As a large man, people leave me alone. And I like it that way.
So I dress up at home. I'm 'in the closet'. But it's a very nice closet, with all my favorite things in it. So, there I will stay!

There are several posts in this thread that are little parts of me. Fully happy as a hetero, married male with no real dsyphoria. I have always been fully closeted and likely always will be. They’re parts of me that would potentially like to venture out, but for all the reasons others have already listed here I have not come close yet, and don’t envision that changing in the near future. I am mostly okay with that. I do feel like reading this site about others adventures both makes it sound appealing, but also as many in this thread have indicated there are plenty of reasons why I haven’t tried to venture out. My wife knows, but isn’t exactly happy about it, mainly for the fears of me and thusly her, being outed to family, friends, co-workers, etc.. Thus, yes, the door stays closed. Good thread, thanks for starting it.

I am out to the only person that I feel needs to know - my wife. She is accepting and supportive, and we perceive all of this as our business. I have toyed with the idea of coming out to our adult children, but have not as my wife wishes me not to, and I understand - there really is no reason for them to know. It's my/our private life after all. I do not ask them the particulars of their private life, so it would follow that mine should be of no interest to them. I am retired, so there are no work conflicts. Given these circumstances, I guess you could say I'm in the closet, but my wife is in there with me. It works for us.

Realistically, I am only out to my wife.

I have been closeted my entire life and have built a certain image of who I am to friends and family. That image is nothing spectacular - just a normal happily married man who enjoys friends, family, and hobbies such as camping, working on my yard equipment etc. So, coming out as a cross dresser would destroy the image that I have created over the years and in destroying the image, it would also disturb what I would call the equilibrium of those relationships. And ,most devastating, my wife would most likely want to separate. So, no, I?m not ready to open that door. I?m not terribly embarrassed or ashamed to admit to some anonymous sales associate at a store that I rarely visit that the panties I am buying with cash are for me, but that?s about ar far as I will go.

I think the door will always be closed for me. Its safer that way . The ramifications and consequences for my family and close friends, the cost is too high.

I have a recent development in the coming out question.
My wife had 6 of her friends over for dinner this weekend. My job was to make a great meal, serve the wine and be a pleasant conversationists. All accomplished by the way.

After dinner we all decided to go to our community hot tub (24 people capacity). So there I am with 7 women in the hot tub. Of course I have shaved legs and painted toes. All went great.

The next evening we brought one of our dinner guests to a music show in town. She is very comfortable with us. She mentioned me as one of the girls on more than one occasion. Also included me as a sister when telling my wife how close we all are.

Now to the fun part. Next week being Halloween around here, the theater will show Rocky Horror Picture Show next Saturday night. She suggested we all go together and dress the part. I was told that I can go as the Transvestite. Her dead husband always dressed in drag for that show way back when. Well, you do not have to ask me twice.

Let's see what my wife wants to do. I can wait until Friday night to bring it up again. Is the jig up for me?

I am closeted and like many here, the wife has known for 32 years. She tolerates but not really supportive. Her biggest fear is her public standing if I was known to be a crossdresser. I enjoy sharing my pictures and am proud of what I can do with makeup and wig. So to compromise, I stay hidden and enjoy the online community without going out into public. At 6'2", I will not blend in. I had a mustache for most of my adult life, but shaved it off and rarely let much facial hair grow now.
Nothing wrong with expressing femininity whatever way you like.
Hugs, Ellen

My wife and life partner prefers that I remain firmly in the closet. Much as I know I am firmly on the trans spectrum. My love and respect for our relationship have and I believe always will mean that I remain firmly in the closet. That said I have found it increasingly easier to dress since retirement and as a result many of the feelings I had in my formative years have returned.

Natalie,

Sounds like you are up for a very exciting weekend. Let us know the outcome.

Davina

Natalie, the good news is you already have everything in your closet for the transvestite costume. Sounds like it might be time to slip on a cute one piece suit and make it 8 ladies in the hot tub next time. With your wifes permission of course.