OK... this is long, but I really need help. Please keep reading.
My wife has had a very difficult time accepting my CDing. When I first told her 5 years ago -- and yes, we've been married for 10 -- her first reaction was shock, but she tried to accept it. For several months, I wore panties every day and she did her best to not let me know how much it upset her. Which, in turn, made me want to buy more panties, because I thought it was OK... but it wasn't.
Eventually, she couldn't handle it any more. I stopped wearing panties, at her request, and we started seeing a counsellor. We all agreed that, since she was so turned off by it -- and since I still couldn't admit to them or myself how powerful my feelings were about it -- that I would stop dressing, for good. And I did. It was tough, but for five years, I did my best to deny my girly side even existed.
Unfortunately, in that time, things between us deteriorated. By bits and pieces, I unwittingly became withdrawn, and disconnected from her and my kids. I seemed to lose interest in a lot of activities, except staring at the computer. I was tense, bitter, unsympathetic and cold. I gained a lot of weight. Over time, my wife became lonlier and lonlier, to the point where she considered moving out of the house.
Now... the good news is: about two months ago, my wife had a remarkable change in attitude towards my cross-dressing. She understands now, that this is an integral part of me, and that it's not going to go away, so I'd better, at long last, come to terms with it. Furthermore, she's realized that she can support me... as a friend, if not as a wife. She's helped me pick out outfits, make-up, and even my femme name. She has encouraged me to go find out exactly what all this means to me. And I'm working hard at it.
The really good news is, my life already seems much better. It's like I've woken up from some dream, and I'm finally ready to engage the world. Just the idea that I can crossdress if I want, not to mention my wife's remarkable support and love, have really helped me see what I had become. And today, I think I'm a better father, husband and person because of it. I've even lost 20 pounds in the past month.
The bad news is, that it comes at a heavy price. My wife no longer feels attracted to me, sexually. She says that she can't relate to me in that way, anymore. In truth, I've never been a dynamo in bed, and over the years, things have ground to a halt. Three weeks ago, we separated. We still live in the same house, until we figure out what we're going to do, but I sleep on the couch, and we don't socialize as a couple anymore. As much as that hurts me, what's worse is how much all of this has hurt her. She cries all the time, now. It's triggered a lot of her issues, and she feels isolated and desperately lonely. She didn't ask for any of this. And I feel guilty every day for not having told her about me before we got married.
Still with me? OK, here's the question: Tonight, my wife asked me for permission to discuss my crossdressing, and how it's affected her with two of her friends. She says that she feels like she's losing them as friends because she's unable to discuss this huge, painful thing that she's going through. She feels as though I've dragged her into the closet with me. And she's right. I didn't mean to, but that's what happened.
I'm torn, because she's been truly supportive of me the past few months, and she's so clearly in pain. I still love her deeply, and I have hope that we might be able to reconcile, someday. (For the record, I think she does too, though she's not sure it's even possible.) Part of me wants to just say 'yes, of course you can talk to them,' but I'm terrified. Especially since there's a very good chance these women will tell their husbands, and god knows where it will spread after that.
So. Does anyone have any thoughts? I really need some guidance, here.