Hello everyone:
this is my first post...and I welcome any insight into my problem as I feel it is serious, and the ups/downs can be brutal. I APOLOGIZE in advance for its length, but if you are to give me your thoughts/advice, you should have as much information as possible. Very briefly: I discovered my husband's cd six months AFTER we were married. We are now married seven years. I understood why he had hidden cd from me and concentrated on helping him/us ant re-building our trust.
I bought/buy him things, nice things, just about anything he wants, and told him he could dress at home whenever he needed to. My only condition was that he STOP frequenting the cd club he used to go to as it was for cd's only (he had told me how he had been propositioned on several occasions but that he replied that he was not into that sort of thing as he is stricly heterosexual).
In 2004 my husband was going through far more hell than I realized...it was hell for both of us BUT mostly for reasons outside of ourselves. I thought we were united in all the challanes we faced. Regardlesss, he stopped having sexual interest in me and told me it was his work situation, that once that was resolved we would be back on track. I believed him and kept handling the rejection as a temporary thing. Later I discovered that he had dug himself a hole so deep, all I could do was concentrate on how I was going to dig him out of it.
Among other things, he was communicating w/other cd's on a tg/tv site pretending to be interested in meeting up and having sex with them (again, throughout all of this, he was telling me that his sex drive had gone and would eventually return). I say pretending because this is what he later told me.
Myhusband has NOT always been a strong man. He is all the things we wives fall in love with when falling in love with a crossdresser. I feel that he is getting stronger and claims that I have helped him with that. And, to make things clear...I DO LOVE HIM...often I ask myself why...but I do!
THE PROBLEM: I can't get out of my mind, which is further reinforced by some of the exchange here, that he might have had encounters of a sexual nature with other cd's and fear that he might still be interested in that.
I don't remember my husband complementing me the way he complemented some of those cd's ON THAT SITE! As defensive and as desperate as it may sound...they usually looked rather sleazy and I am considered classy and very sexy (albeit I consider this secondary to the uncovential love and support I give him). I am fully aware that men often prefer sleazy women...but...I can be that too...under the right circumstances. Now I don't even want to be sexy anymore...never mind sleazy.
The top it all off...I was propositioned by two different men on separate occasions...and when I told my husband, not only he did not seem to care...but initially did not even believe it (I suppose I have the need to keep proving to you that...I an easy on the eyes!).
He says his sexual desire for me is starting to return (this also upsets me because I feel I am being 'parked' for whenever he is ready to take me out for a ride!) but I now fear that if he makes any overtures, I will pull away becasue of my anger and further fear of rejecton. I believe in healthy anger, but my anger seems...scared anger...and not the healthiest.
Recently, after a big watershed figh, he told me he cannnot believe how much pain he has put me through and that I am a beautiful, caring, giving woman and how lucky he is to have me in his life. He said we are NOW on a new path because this last fight was make or break for us. Sometimes he seems aware of his destructive actions, other times not (he was seriously bullied in boarding schools hence a major reason for many of his problems).
HOW CAN I COME TO TERMS WITH MY HUSBAND'S LACK OF INTEREST IN ME? Does it have to do with his interest elsewhere or can it really be the stress/problems we have faced in the past few years? I WOULD RATHER KNOW THAN BURY MY HEAD IN THE SAND. Does anyone have any past experiences with sort of thing...and if so...would you mind sharing them?
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After writing this, my husband rang me as he is away for a few days. I was able to tell him very clearly how I feel, and he seemed genuinely concerned for me. One thing about writing all of this is that it has given me a clearer idea of where my head is and it makes me less fearful of telling him how I feel. He continues to tell me that he loves me, that he is not interested in sex with other cd's, and that he does NOT want to let me go. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE/THINK ANY MORE! Please tell me what you think.
Thank Y O U...very much!!!
jean