Hello girls
After months logging on as a visitor I at last got the courage to register.Just want to see if anyone else has shared this experience. My partner is normally acceptant and while not openly encouraging she will for the most not restrict my dressing. In the past we have gone shopping for clothes together (me in man mode) and she even chose my name. But other times she is completly cold towards me, so how best should I approach this.
Tania
Tania,
I have talked to quite a few couples about just this situation because up to about three weeks ago I was in much the same situation.
One of the first things that was suggested to me was ground rules. Things like when and where. You have to keep in mind that you will never really know how she feels about the whole situation unless you talk about it. Just remember to do it when she is in a talking about this type of thing mood.
One of the things that my ex always said about this type of situation was that she was tired, stressed about something, or just wanted to have her "husband" around at that particular point in time. And, yes I know what you are probably thinking, "I am the same person regardless of the clothes.", but the problem with that idea is that they don't see it that way. Or, at least my ex didn't see it that way.
If I was dressed I was Anna, just one of her girlfriends. She didn't see me as her husband when I was dressed. I tend to believe that it probably had something to do with the fact that even though she says she is accepting of alternate lifestyles, she still has a problem with the idea of two women being intimate on any level other than strictly platonic friends. There were also a couple of times when she offhandedly remarked that she felt like she had lost her "husband" to this other woman. When she first found out she even thought that I might want to transition, or that I might be gay and want to end our marriage for a man. Which at the time neither of which was true. Now, 5 yrs later I still don't want a man for any reason, including as a doctor. But, I have started recently to consider the idea of transitioning simply because I have found it more and more comfortable to be dressed as a woman than a man. As well as the fact that I find less and less reason to keep what I was born with given the fact that going potty is about the only thing that it gets used for anymore.
I can't read minds so I can't say for sure but, if I had to guess I would say that your wife is probably feeling some of the same things. I would suggest a long heart to heart talk with her about the whole thing. Not just pieces of it here and there. Find a time when you can sit down without distractions, turn off the phones, tvs, computers, and anything else that might distract either of you and try to work out what it is that causes these feelings and try to figure out a way that will work for both of you to at least decrease how often they hit her.
You say that she is accepting but not encouraging which makes me thing that she is only accepting because she doesn't really like it but would rather pick her battles rather than deal with what she feels is unacceptable behavior. But, as I said before I am not a mind-reader so I can't truly know what she thinks or feels.
One thing that I do know is that I seem to be able to read most peoples feelings when I am close enough to them and from what I know of others in our situation I am not the only one that can do this. So try to consider how she is feeling, open yourself up to her emotional projection so that you have an idea when she is not in the mood to see your fem side. That alone may help some.
huggs
Anna
[SIZE=5]Be who you are not who others think you should be.
May the Great Spirit Bless you in all things.
My website: [/SIZE][/SIZE][SIZE=5][SIZE=2]http://360.yahoo.com/mrsanna_25
[/SIZE][/SIZE][SIZE=5][SIZE=2]The Be-All Website: http://www.be-all.org/
[/SIZE]
[/SIZE]
Great advice from Anna , can't add anything to that. Tania you should definitely talk to her. I am 100% supportive but there are times when you want your girl to be the man you first met. There are also times when your girl oversteps the mark or takes your acceptance to its limits without even realising it. We being women tend to either sulk or go quiet because we assume you should be a mind reader or atleast read the signs and ask whats wrong. When you dont we see our backsides. Sheesh its that old communication thing again.
Hope you get some quiet time to sit and talk
Bev
Anna and Bev many thanks for your advice, having never duscussed this with anyone I am sure I will put it to good use.Originally Posted by Bev06 GG
Tania
I can't think of anything to add to what they have told you . But here is wishing you the best of luck with the situation.
Thank you Susan, its nice at last to have like minded people to talk to
My wife supports me in that I can dress at home with her present, but it took a while to reach this stage. At first it was only when she was gone. I always ask in advance and if she is not warm to it that time I do not dress. The key is that we established rules after several long talks about my dressing. I provided my own name, but she is happy with it and refers to me as Alice when I dress. We have not gone shopping together, but she mostly shops on line. I wear woman's panties all the time and nighties to be and she has no problem with it and does my laundry. I am gaining a large collection of clothes that hang openly in our closet. Last night I wanted to dress and she was not up to it. She did say I could if I had to, but I did not. But, tomorrow she said she has a meeting after work and that I should dress. Not that I could dress, but that I should. The key to all of this is open/honest discussion and as time goes by she becomes more and more accepting, giving me the freedom to express myself openly.
My male and female selves are a part of my relationship. We treat including Tina as we treat everything else as husband and wife. Everyone has days when the effort of Tina's visit is something I can't deal with, so why should it be different for my wife. We always do it together and I think that's important in our relationship.
tina
I think it is wonderful that some of 'us' have understanding and accepting wives. this seems indeed rare. I think most women are unhappy to have a second 'squaw in the wigwam' and also fear that the transvestite husband may wish to 'experience' being a woman with another TV or straight male. This is my sense. It is sad, but hard to change how people feel. Women usually assert they want openness, honesty. Sometimes providing this doesn't get the desired results! good luck, helenr
I dress 5 day a week and give her the weekend as her Husband some times we have the Grand kids on a week day then I don't dress. She need the man around sometimes and give me plenty of time to be Angie. For this I love her and let her know it but maybe not as much as I should. gotta work on that.
Angie
I just had a check in the other night with my wife. The frequency of my dressing has increased and so has my interest in it. The whole gambit of expressing a feminine nature via clothing is fairly new. Her awareness of the existance of my feminine side is not. Anyhow, we had a check-in. I asked her on a scale of 1 to 10 where she was in terms of being with my gender mutuability. She came out with 10. She said she hadn't lost anything. She still gets great sex whenever she wants it, maybe even better sex. I'm gentler with her which she loves. I'm still maintaining all of my agreements/contracts with her. She likes being around me knowing I'm on my cutting edge.
She had a lesbian lover for several years so being close to a woman is perhaps easier then it could be.
The marriage agreement we have is fairly straightforward and leaves a lot of room for each other to evolve as people.
And, sensitivity and clear communication are very, very important... but so is being authentic.
Good luck.
Great advice from the others, the key is communication and boundaries. My wife has known about my CD for over 30 years but it only now that I have been able to come out of the closet. My wife has learnt that boundaries work but controlling attitudes do not. I always check with her if she ok with me dressing and respond accordingly. We are both learning at the moment.
With regard to loosing her husband, she has said this because when I am dressed I act differently, not just a block in dress. She cannot feel intimate when I am dressed and see's me more as a sister.
My fear and joy for the future, as this is not a `hobby`, I feel I may need to express myself fully, I am much happier dressed than ever have been as a male.
So we are talking about this now just in case.
Good luck, advice given to me on this site is don't rush it, worked for me.
XX
Stevie B
Look for the root cause, if things have changed, are you doing anything different?
When I first told my wife, she was fine with it, even took me shopping and bought me everything a girl needs to get started, from the skin out. Then I went crazy dressing all the time, just as soon as I would walk in the door, I was getting dressed, and staying that way until I had to go back out that door.
After awhile, the wife felt neglected, and found that me not wanting to go out where I had to be a guy, was like being sent to prison, and she knew she had done nothing wrong. My Pink fog was smothering her, She got very cold about the dressing, and hated to see me in a dress (even ones she had bought me) We talked, and talked, and talked. in the end, I slowed down, we started going out more, and everything worked out great. now she is just as likly to walk in the door, and ask me why I am not dressed, and then tell me I should go get dressed in something more comfortable, heck sometimes I dress not because I really need to, but because sometimes it is expected of me.
Tina B.
Hi Tania,
As so many have already said, communication with her and finding out what her boundries are and respecting those boundries goes a long way. They give both of you a safe area to operate / play in.
Also giving her space concerning the CD when she needs it, is important. My wife has been very supportive but she does not understand and there are times when she wants nothing to do with it, especially talk about it (thats why I love the forum). I try to be sensitive to her feelings. Then there are times when she will ask me to go out enfemme with her.
It is important for her to know that you are OK with her not participating all the time. She needs to know that you accept her love even if crossdressing is not a part of it. Hopefully in time she might feel more like participating, but don't make that a requirement.
Joni
"Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free" Bob Dylan
I agree with the others that communcations is the answer. Good luck.
Posting Permissions
