I haven’t been here very long, but have read lot of posts and want to say how much I enjoy and feel welcome here. The more I read the more I confirm who I am.

Last night was not great and I did some soul searching to find where I fit between totally out and deep in the closet. I see three options,

1/ Stay in the closet lonely & frustrated. I don’t think I can do that anymore.
2/ I live in a low population area so support groups / cd organizations n/a. I can try and create a circle of new friends and acquaintances I can be open with and settle for weekend getaways, conferences etc. (most practical compromise but hardly great)
3/ Come out, which I can’t do.
I know the intent is honest and sincere but there is one common theme that keeps coming up. That we should ‘live our own life’, ‘let the chips fall’ and ‘if they’re real friends ....etc, etc’ All very true but for most, rarely that simple.

I’m lucky to have good friends but crossdressing is not something they’ve thought a lot about or want as part of their lives. They certainly wouldn’t be expecting it from my direction. Doesn’t mean they hate crossdressers, it just means that our interests and priorities would be redefined and a lot different than they’d realized. We would still have much in common but even if they accept this facet of my life, there’s always going to be this ‘white elephant’ in the room now. And even if it’s unintentional, the friendship is going to change and probably for the worse. That’s on a personal level and though it could be unpleasant, I could deal with it.

It’s the effect on others where I am at a loss, to know how to proceed. Wonderful, loving and supportive family members, who would continue to love and support without complaint. But it would be so difficult for them, their natural protective loyalties to stick up for me, and justify and explain to others. Even in a small town I can handle the gossip, rumor and bs. I don’t know if I can handle putting them through it.

Although divorced, I am very close with my family. Having young children in school in these situations is always a problem. The potential ridicule, teasing and bullying would have to affect them. Will they alienate themselves from me, criticize me to their friends or worse grow to dislike or even hate. I don’t know, but it’s a hell of a scary thought for me.

I’m not in a union or part of a large company. I have a small business and if my customers stop buying from me there’s not a lot I can do about it. I’ll just lose a business (with employees I feel responsible for) I took twenty five years building.

So sometimes that advice isn’t so helpful. I was online last night after turning down an invitation for dinner with some friends because I wanted to wear my new summer frock, along with the new stockings, bra & panty set and white sandals. I had on a bob wig, classic cathedral earrings, I’d already put on my face and was in the process of doing my nails. I felt so feminine and so great. I was looking as good as I get.

I think cd.com has revived a lot of the emotional frustration etc and as I started reading, came across several ‘don’t worry what others think’ and ‘it’s your life’. I remember the emotions boiling up saying, ‘No, you’re wrong, it isn’t just my life’ and totally lost it. If crying is good for you, I must be a lot healthier today. I ended up sobbing, standing looking out the window and at my reflection, alone, a six foot+, 200 lb+ man in a cute little dress and high heels asking herself out loud “What the f*** are you doing? I can’t and don’t want to ignore this part of me and I literally can’t make it my public lifestyle, but I definitely have to find that niche where Stephanie/I can express herself with others who are part of her/my whole life.

There’s not even a certified gender therapist around here. I’ve checked. It would be so great to just have one friend to completely confide in and be en femme around. I’m feeling very vulnerable right now, a little lonely and a little scared. As Hawkeye Pierce said to Radar, ‘trust me Radar, loneliness is all it’s cracked up to be and it’s no fun’. I think we all know a bit about that. Being lonely has nothing to do with being alone.

I’m sorry for this diatribe. I didn’t mean to write so much but if anyone has any suggestions for approaching people I already know, to feel them out without going too far. As I said it’s not a rural area, but not a city either. I’ve seen rumor & gossip destroy people / relationships around here before.

I’ve tried all the usual ideas. I guess I’m wondering about personality traits I’m not recognizing. To identify those with a liberal attitude and belief toward gender equality and expression. I’m not sure what to look for but I know there has to be lots of people who believe it’s not only my right but who want to help and think it’s a good and wonderful thing. Any suggestions are most welcome. Thanks Stephanie