I can't take it any more

[Katie Ashe]

I'm sick of life in general :mad:. Still job less, near homeless, Beard removal not going so good, wife is still sick, kids are walking all over me, family has turned me out, everything is in the toilet. How much more can one person take. I know many people do kill them selfs, but when do you say enough is enough? I cry nearly everyday now and punch the wall yesterday instead of my kid. Can't see my threapist anymore, out of money. How do you people put up with your daily battles?

[Tamara Croft]

Good God Katie, whilst I'm hardly in any position to give any advice, I'm in the same boat... I will try First of all, you need to make a list of what is good and what is bad, there must be something good in your life that you can focus on?

Kids... they will always seem to be at their worst when you are at your lowest point, I know, cus I'm living it now. But they probably aren't any different to how they were when you were in a good place. Having no job doesn't help, you're with the kids 24/7 and that must be driving you up the wall too. I'm not sure if you have any parks etc near you, but if they are driving you mad, take them out, wear them out, play footie with them, or get a frisbie... run them around until they drop. Take a few sandwiches, have a picnic... if it's raining, then have a picnic inside the house

Set them some ground rules, if they don't do as you tell them, take something away, something they always use - tv, toys etc... empty their bedroom until they do behave... been there done that and it does work.

I dunno what to say about Dawn I know she is going through so much, but all you can do is try to support her and I know it must be so hard for you holding everything together, but you can do it, you need to look at the smaller picture and take one day at a time, or believe me, you're gonna end up in the looney bin... I know, cus I feel like I'm gonna end up there myself right now.

As for the beard thing, I don't want to sound harsh, but it seems to me you have other things in your life that take priority right now, like getting your life back on track and getting back into work... if you're not working, how can you actually afford that? tell me to mind my own if you want, just making an observation.

I dunno what else to say

[Shadeauxmarie]

Nobody ever said life was either easy or fair. You should see about counselling with a pastor or priest. They're free and SOME really have experience helping people with depression.

I cry easily and frequently myself.

C'est la vie!

[JennMW]

Katie,

I feel your pain. I won't go into my own issues here and instead focus on you and yours.

I have had my low periods and am in one now myself. From previous experience, the one thing that has always worked for me is in the Serenity Prayer. (the sentiment, not necessarily the religious aspect).

Each day I focus on changing the things I can, accepting the things that I can not change and asking for the wisdom to know the difference.

The epiphany that I had a couple of years ago was realizing that the things I can change don't have to be BIG changes, make enough small changes and the big ones happen by themselves.

Don't get overwhelmed and keep coming back!

Hugs,
Jennifer

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Katie

Everyone has some daily battles some are worse than others

Firstly look after your wife as she is sick

Try to get the kids to calm down a little for your wife's health

Once you have done those focus on that list Tamara mentioned

Pick out what you can sort quickly and tackle the other problems in some sort of order , If wont be an overnight fix but you need to start somewhere.

The list will help to keep you organised and remember you can do it nothing is insurmountable

[Veronica Fallon]

Oh Katie, I'm sorry I can't offer any truly tangible advice for you. Please just hang on, take it a day at a time, & look diligently for any small steps toward solutions you can find. I really believe the universe gives us directional clues if we're truly seeking & open to them. Also, if we focus only on the negative, we only get more of the same- if we focus on the positive, things can & do change. It's the law of quantum-physics & I learned it the long, hard way myself (I was a very stubborn lil' bitch years ago!). I'll send you loving energy & wish you strength to pull yourself outta the muck!

With Love,

Veronica

[Karren H]

Its a struggle, a tight rope walk every day.. To keep everything in balanced.. My and my wifes health issues and the kids a constantly knawing at you.... Relentless.... but I'm not going to feel sorry for myself... Not my style.. I'd rather come up with a plan or a solution the keeps everyone moving forward not backwards...

Tammera GG's suggetions sound great to me... For every problem there are typically numerous solutions, just sometimes you can see them readily.. Or they are unconventional... Good luck..

Karren

[AmandaM]

There is help. You have to find it. Go to the local police department. They usually have a list. Someone I know went to the county mental health and said she was going to kill herself unless she got help. They put her on meds and gave her some appointments with a shrink. Is there welfare? Other things available? Check with the police or your local civil services. Start calling now!

[kaitlin]

Hey Girl, Let me start by saying that I am sorry that your having so many problems. I have been there, sat one night with a 38 in my hand, it's a long term end to a short term problem!!! The only advise I can give you, the advise that saved me and turned my life around completly...Drop to your knees and give your heart and soul to God!!!!! Ask him to heal your hurts, fix your problems and give you direction in life. Then serve him with every thought and praise him through all of the storms in your life. Let him have complete control over your problems, he can not work if you keep trying to fix it on your own. GIVE IT TO HIM AND GET OUT OF THE WAY. Some may think I am crazy, you may think I am crazy, but I know what worked for me and I will never change!!! You are in my prayers. Kaitlin

[Tree GG]

When to give up? When to throw in the towel? When to say I give?

I can't answer that, everyone has their own tolerance for adversity and struggle.

Also ask yourself, if I do this 1 thing, will it improve something? If I try just one more time, will it succeed? You can't know until you try.

Am I trying to fix something that is neither broken nor fixable and should just accept it and move on?

Hope and faith. You just gotta believe you're currently on the negative axis side of the bell curve that is life's journey and sure as the sun will come up tomorrow, life will be different in some aspect. Sooner or later, your path will cross to the positive side of the bell curve axis - for awhile

Hang in there and keep trying.

[Katie Ashe]

Thanks friends. I do take the kids to 6 Flags alot, but it is hard on me for other reasons. Dawn is in therapy full time still and gone most of the day, trying to better herself. I have been focusing on much of the things I can't control and wishing for the jeanie in the bottle. I got $10,000, in Oct when I got layed off, we used that money to pay off the cars, credit cards, and many other bills, I was collecting Unemployement too. So I got the beard thing done as a package deal, so it's already paided for, my body is not responding to the treatment, this is minor in it's self. The kids are being ruthless at times... Times were good, but cost of living is going up and up, Unemployement insurance, ran out, and I am doing interview after interview. I'm Burnt out really. As far as focusing on the pos things in life, well there just a bit hard to see through bloody eyes, if you get my drift. I am tring and killing myself to make things better, bu tt all seems hopeless at most times. I kinda just venting here, cause I have no where else to turn anymore. HRT is working really good, I'mm turning into a pretty person with a bleak furture. Thanks for listening

PS. We don't Qual for welfare cause dawn collect SS + SSi. What A joke.

[RobertaFermina]

You are crying every day....that seems healthy to me
You punched the wall. You are angry. Find the source of your anger....often it is a threat...or perhaps you are in the place from which most things look like a threat....you are feeling incredibly vulnerable.

I have experienced feeling helpless and wanting to strike out...I was afraid to just crumple up and pray for deliverance or cry or simply accept my situation as what it was and wait for inspiration....too macho to wait on destiny, yet too emotionally overwrought to see things clearly.

In your position, I would try the guy solution and the girl solution.

Guy solution: anything tangible I can do to make things better? do it.
Girl solution: anything I can do to clear my emotional state and reinforce relationships and encourage new ideas and opportunities to come to me - get clear (cry..get a hug...put on nice clothes..take a bath...a walk) or get connected (call a reliable friend, reach out). You might even reach out to someone you wouldn't ordinarily think of, if you get the feeling that they would respect your vulnerability and honesty.


You are a father, a husband, and a willing and able participant in society....you are needed and there are services available somewhere for someone like you who is willing to do their part.

I hope you find what's out there for you, and soon.

I know you are not suffering in vain. You care for your family even as you are presently driving eachother nuts.

One time, I was suffering, more of a constant low grade depression and chaos would set in whenever I was about to make a big step forward - spoiling it. I got myself into a position of great pain, and asked....why do I take on such pain ? The answer was "Because I Love."

Where is Love in your life.
Love for your Wife, Children, and yourself ?

I love every miracle of creation....and we are all miracles of creation...because Life is a Miracle, a rare prize when measured against the immense void that dominates our Universe. What can I do when confronted with a rare jewel, even if I am living in this treasure chest of a planet, within this desert of a Universe ?

Such jewels are you, your annoying children, you wife in her difficulties, and even the creditors who beset you, and the employers who cannot see their way to employ you.

In my greatest crises of Love....giving Love but getting none...I experienced the helplessness that comes from being dependent on others to show me Love. I created the story that I was starving for love. When the crisis came, a wise person suggested that I was suffering because of a story that I made up.

I was angry...yet out of respect I gave this some thought. I took the action I could, told the one who was supposed to be there for me what I felt I deserved and wanted. Then I went out and sat upon a rock and cried and the big person inside of me promised the hurting little person within me that I wouldn't let them be hurt, and I wouldn't hurt anyone else, and SOMEHOW we would get through this.

Then I turned around and went back to that person I had believed was holding out, and treated her like she was a queen, regardless of what she did, and even as my heart ached. In Loving her regardless, and holding true to my promise that no one would be harmed, Love healed me. I felt Love coming THROUGH me to her, and into my entire world (you can't hold Love in a bucket...it spreads around...radiates!). Try giving unconditional Love without being touched by it !

The ache in my heart lessened. The woman felt more Loved, though she never realized how much of it came through me. The way it showed up, she thought it came from someone else. It did not matter. My heartache was relieved, and I learned that giving love is a practice....not a barter.

How can you, at this very low point, be in some humble way a source of safety, protection, and Love for all who depend upon you and are in relationship with you? That is a beginning.

Maybe that is the paradox, when you are feeling so empty...maybe Love is all you have to give...and maybe the only thing that will make a difference ?

Roberta

[Toyah]

I really dont know what I can say here hun I have just lost my job I know I can cope with that
The kids seem to be a major problem I think its time to read the riot act to them they really should be helping you in your time of need
I am sure something will turn up just hang in there

[rachael devry]

i am not saying this is your problem. you have plenty going on. by any chance are drugs and or alcohol involved. from my own personal standpoint. those two demons nearly destroyed me. they left me with the same conclusions that you are at. once my head cleared life wasnt that bad after all. no matter how dope sick i was i just couldnt put the people who love me throgh that. no matterhow much they seemed to annoy me. once again i hope im wrong. depression is a killer.

[Katie Ashe]

Nope; never ever tried any drugs or smoke, and I don't like Alcohol. In Texas I had ways to vent, in the big city, it's not so easy. The only habit I have is Shoes and Stockings, I'm kind high Maint when the bills allow for time to play. there are no support groups around here, and my family really could care less. I try to draw strenght from here, from you. It's all I have right now, I need to be ok with that. Look I always substitutes reality with my own little world, I don't like the real world, it is too mean and not very understanding. I still wonder if coming out was a good idea or if dieing would have been a wiser choice. I read a lot of Transgender books looking for hope, yet finding I'm not alone. I just read: "Just Add Horomones". Good book, different point of view. I'm reading "Gays & Lesbains" right now and there struggles with in the government/society. I'm not ready to throw in the towel, but geeze, it's gosta get better than this .

[Deborah Jane]

I know where you are coming from Katie. Last year i lost my wife [we split up], my 3 kids and my house. My boss threatened me with dismissal because i was so down i could no longer do my job due to the depression i was in! That weekend i got drunk, went down to the beach with a bottle of scotch and a 38 [don,t ask were i got it from]! I loaded a single bullet, spun the chamber, took a drink and put the gun to my head and pulled the trigger. I did this another 2 times before passing out. The point i,m making Katie is-I know a lot of us reach breaking point, but if you can just get yourself through it life does improve, i promise! Just hold in there hun, it does get better!

[loardata]

fist off you need to start going to churc and start seeing a professional to help you through this.i have been there myself, please seek help before its too late-asked for help please

[paulaN]

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
That prayer works for me when I'm up against it. Plus a few deep breaths. Please try it.

[angelfire]

We all have our ups and downs. I just recently got out of my rut. I was getting depressed: Still living at home, college grad who couldn't find a job, maxxed out credit card, etc, etc.

Thank God I had people in my life who supported me through the hard times. My family helped me out, and I've finally found a job, and can at least afford the essentials now without running into debt.

Things will come together, you just have to be patient.

[Suzy Harrison]

Nope; never ever tried any drugs or smoke, and I don't like Alcohol.

[SIZE="2"]
- that's great, (same here) - it means that at least you don't have those problems on top of everything else.
I think a lot of us have felt close to the way you're feeling. Many years ago things were very bad for me and I had planned my exit
from life perfectly - and came within minutes of doing it.

As hard as it seems things do change -it can be quite amazing just how it all comes about. Please hang in there and try to look on the positive side. I also know that the positives seem to be hugely out weighed by the negatives when money and family problems are involved.

You have more guts than me (and probably most of us on this site) in the fact that you have outed your feminine desires to your family. That alone shows what a determined person you can be.

It's very easy to get really down and so when you go for job interviews your abilities just don't come across. I've been there and done that - I had been unemployed for 6 months and attended loads of interviews and got no where. Now years later I've got a great job - and I'm the one who now conducts the interviews to employ new people - and I now realise where I had been going wrong - as I was drained and didn't come across as enthusiastic and positive. It can be a vicious circle.

Please keep going, you have many, many friends on this site who care about you. It will come good in the end, I promise.


PS: Are there any girls in the Taxachussetts area who can offer some help to Katie in the form of employment referals or guidance? -
If you were here in Australia we'd look after you, there's a great sense of looking out for each other here. Don't worry, things do change....




[/SIZE]

[BarbaraTalbot]

Saying the words out load to another human being takes a little power away from self destructive thought. Take these feeling seriously, and allow others to take your concerns seriously without minimizing to yourself or to them the very pain you are feeling.

It does sound like your circumstances and environment could well "bring a person down" emotionally, but whether it is the cause or the effect, realize that very real and very dangerous medical conditions do occur to people usually without warning and may or may not be concurrent with your emotionally driven depression. Money concerns or not, the medical end of this NEEDS to be looked at. I have no idea or experience or information if for example any medication or hormones you are currently prescribed are having any effect. Whether there are medications that could benefit you. There are (hard to find I realize and crowded and slow...and..and) resources for public health issues and major depressive incidents are certainly on the list. There are better medications on the market all the time, and (rightly or wrongly) vilified drug companies have all kinds of ways to curry public favor with free or discounted drugs from sample packs to the doctors to actual indigent patient programs..

[Holly]

Katie, please don't fall for the lie that yoiu can't take... you can! The good news is that you don't have to take it by yourself. I hope that you have seen already from the outpouring here that you are so not alone. As an outside observer, may I offer you an observation? I can see the positives in your life. Your wife needs you and you are there for her. That's a positive. Your kids need you and you are there for them. You are out there interviewing for positions. Every "no" is one step closer to that "yes" you are looking for. That's a positive. You're still on this side of the dirt. That's a HUGE positive. Several posters have said that faith in a higher power was instramental in getting through some dark times in their lives. I couldn't agree with them more. Perhaps you are familiar with the 23rd Psalm where David writes in verse 4, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me..." (NIV). You do not have to take any of this on by yourself. We are here to walk with you and God is near by to walk ahead of you, preparing the way. With excitement, I look forward to see yet an other miracle in your life, Katie.

[Rosaliy Lynne]

Everyone has said more or less the same thing. so I won't repeat much of it. The fact that you are reaching out to us here is a positive sign. Clearly we are here for you based on what I have read. Hang on to that as one of your anchor points. I went through nearly 7 months of hell when my last marriage fell apart and I was out on my own. My Internet Friends were my mainstays. I could not have made it without them.

As for killing yourself. Like many others here I have thought of that from time to time over the years. My personal attitude became one of total survival. I was NOT going to give anyone the satisfaction they might get by offing myself. Besides that, offfing myself only solves (but not really) my immediate problem. My life affects so many others that it became a matter of pride not to load that baggage on them. I might "get out of my immediate problem" but they all would have to live with the results. That ain't me. You can't always be strong enough within yourself until you are stong enough to reach out to others in your weakness.

The last element I will repeat as it is possibly the single most important aspect. Each small success leads to a larger one. The entire picture is too much to see in all its details. Break it down and take one step at a time. That is how we learned to walk. That is how we learned to live. That is how we stay alive, with a little help from our friends.

[_Cecilie_]

Katie, I might not have anything to say that's worth anything. I don't know anything about your situation, or anything similar. But I do know that life sucks, many a times. I feel with you, and it makes me sad to hear your story. I wish I could help.

The way out, I believe, is in you and nowhere else. You can, and you will make it better. Focus on positive things, and work on the negative. One at a time. Sometimes the sense of accomplishment is the best feeling we have, and it wants us getting more. But trying to accomplish too much at once, can leave us frustrated (or worse), because things take time.

[KateSpade83]

No welfare must be harsh. Did your family and relatives abandon you because they found out you cd? Can you rejoin the military like in your profile pic?

I would hold off spending on anything besides food, utilities, bills, and rent now. So quit HRT and forget SRS. I think it would be hard for a feminized man to get a job too.

And suicide is never an answer. Yeah, long term unemployment sucks, so you gotta save money when you're employed too and not live in debt to prevent trouble.

Maybe borrow from family and live very frugally for awhile and job hunt like crazy and do PT job at Walmart?

What do you do for a living / what kind of job are you looking for?