I'd suggest having the talk & seeing how it goes before saying something like "go upstairs put on some panties & make love to me" and would also hold off on buying him a gift of clothes. If it goes well, you could say "let's go shopping together" or something. Of course repeat to him that you find nothing wrong with the dressing, that you don't think less of him for it ( just the keeping a secret from you was the issue ).
I don't want to be a downer, but my biggest concern is that you are sure about how you feel. My wife told me that she accepted it, and for a year she was very supportive. Two months ago she told me that she had tried to make me happy, but that she can't deal with it anymore. She left me.
I am not telling you this to get sympathy. I want you to understand how devastating it is to believe the person you love most in the world accepts you for who you are, and then find out that it was a lie. So all I ask is that you be sure about how you feel. Because, if you are not, you could damage your marriage beyond repair.
Michelle
I got a "I know you crossdress while in bed with my wife" It was such a relief to let it all out and be accepted. I still feel bad for hidding it, but its all working out well. I would for sure have a couple drinks first, we did helped with the tension.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Big Hug!
SandyR
Real Men can Cook in Heels...
It sounds like he doesn't know you know so be careful with the follow-up. What you plan to say sounds fine but if it were me I would be dumbfounded and embarassed. Tell him you would like to explore it further with him.
Good luck to you both.
Margot
I think your husband is a lucky girl hun sounds good
Angie
I like what you are thinking of saying. You are going to make one girl very happy.
Corrine, your most recent post concerns me...your talk about going "hard" or "easy" on him makes it sound like this talk is meant as a punishment, which does not seem fair. Yes, he deceived you, but what you have to understand about us is that we are all absolutely terrified about what we do...its not even always about others finding out...some of us are so scared of it that we try and convince ourselves that it doesn't happen or doesn't need to happen...we deny who we are. I've been there, and I'm sure many others here have as well.
Sorry for the lecture, but let me put it this way...no matter how you word it and no matter whether you say it out loud or with a letter, he is going to be shocked, embarrassed, and probably intimidated at first. Only with time (maybe a little, maybe a lot) and effort (again, could be a lot could be a little) on both of your parts is this going to work out. I think what you plan to say is beautiful, and it sounds like it's coming from the heart and it seems to me that you really care and accept him. If you let that show as much as possible, you can start to bring him out of his shell.
Scaring him too much now with anger/hurt over the fact that he has kept it secret could scare him back into his shell. I know you don't want that, so just be patient with him, and try to remember that the fact that it was a secret was meant to protect the bond that you share with him, and it was never meant to hurt you. I'm not saying it didn't hurt or that your feelings are invalid in any way, just that I'm sure that one of the motivating factors in keeping this from you was to preserve the beautiful relationship you two have.
My rant is over now, and I hope this helps.
"Why are you wearing those stupid girls' clothes?"
"Why are you wearing those stupid mens' clothes?"
--Adapted from Donnie Darko
karen said it all - it comes from your heart, expresses your love, and shows tolerance for him. It can't get any better than that!Originally Posted by GypsyKaren
I brought up the dressing and he, (like he always does) turned it around back on me.
I asked him if it was sexual and he said "NO, you and your damned insecurities are really starting to piss me off."
I said, "I love you and I want you to be happy." He said, "I AM happy."
Then 2 seconds later tells me how much he loves me.
This morning I tried again. I told him that he didn't need to hide from me. "I'm NOT HIDING anything from you." I guess he still hasn't realized that I found his high heels in the car before he could go hide them where ever it is that he hides his 'stash'. I told him that I'm not going anywhere, that I love him. I guess years of protecting his secret are going to be hard to overcome.
Yes they are hard to overcome, and fear of loseing the one you love the most over this makes it very very hard. My world came crashing down on me, after my loved one left me for this, and later came back, and still together now. Does he not even want to talk at all about it with you?
Corrine, now is the time to back off. He knows you know and he knows that you love him. He is not going to change his perception of himself overnight. Give him some time to take this in and process it. The next move is going to have to be his.
Fulltime girl on the inside.
Lipstick=confidence
[SIZE=4]Holly[/SIZE]
i just had a great reply to this post all typed, Clicked the magic submit button and poof "Page not found" all was lost. I will try again.
This is not an easy thing to overcome. My wife knows of my dressing. She doesn't mind that I wear lingerie to bed. Yet I still try to keep covered up. So it is not quite so "in her face" Sometimes I will go into the bathroom and change. She usually will say "You didn'thave to do that" meaning change.
So why do I still try to keep covered and sometimes change. I guess deep down I am still trying to be her "Manly Man" I mean seriously how romantic can it be seeing your husband in lingerie or a pair of heels.
Maybe your husband doesn't want to admit it, because he doesn't want you to think of him differantly. Or maybe he is afraid that you will tell someone else.
This way of thinking has been bread into us as men for hundreds of years. This is not something that will change overnight. Go slow with him and be patient. And most importantly keep the lines of communication open.
my sister's reply when I told her how I prefer to dress
"Everyone has there thing, all that matters is that you are happy, love what you do and who you do it with"
I know it will take some time. When I found the panties and jewelry in his briefcase, I actually called his ex-wife {cause he told me they were hers} "it was a joke" he said. Bad lie at the spur of the moment, like I would be OK with him having his ex wife of four years underware in his bag.
She reluctantly told me. She found out after over 10 years and their marriage was already over. She unfortunately asked his best male friends about it and if they knew anything...GEEEZ. I felt so sorry for him.
I approached him and told him, "If you aren't cheating on me then they must be yours." He was ok with that. Then later in bed he talked to me a little. He said he was sorry..."I'm a freak" I assured him that he wasn't. That is when it was said that it was only underware. I went and got some of mine for him, he only likes this if we both wear something. (i am having weight issues and it makes me sef-concious) I guess it makes him uncomfortable if I don't do it. This was a while back and we haven't done anything like that in a while.
I think you are going down the right path, if you think the alcohol will loosen him up it might be a good idea. It depends on his nature, some people are easier to communicate with when drinking, and some are worse. You know him best so go with what you think will get the best results.
I agree that giving him a letter would be giving him the easy way out. You might have the discussion and afterwards if you feel some of your concerns were not addressed, write the letter to try and push those issues. I would agree that he should bring his stash home and he should also eventually let the children know as well, there is no reason to be ashamed of it. But if he has been hiding it for a long time , he probably is ashamed and it will probably be hard for him to share with you and the children so one step at a time.
good luck
Do you live, do you die
Do you bleed for the fantasy?
In your mind, through your eyes
Do you see it's the fantasy? - 30 Seconds To Mars- The Fantasy
Time and patience Corrine.
He has had a lifetime of hiding in shame brought about by guilt and fear. You are the one breaking this cycle so you have to be very patient and reassuring. Believe that if s/he gets ANY sense of ill feelings the fear will kick in and all will be lost.
You have a lifetime together to work on this so rushing things or letting your CD feel at all uncomfortable could very well backfire. Yes he broke your trust, now you have to gain his and believe me, it wont be easy. Once you both regain that trust in each other (and yourselves) then a whole new world awaits both of you.
Kimberley
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
www.transgenderlondon.com
Venus and Mars are not aligned; Good thing.
Where are all the rumballs?
I may not soar with eagles, but then weasels dont get sucked into jet engines...
Corrine: this is unchartered territory for me b/c I have never found myself disagreeing with Holly. That said, I do have a different take on your situation -- and I am certain that Holly and I (as well as the others on here) have your best interest at heart in our suggestions.
I don't think this is the time to back off at all -- I think it is time for you to be proactive and change tact, and see if you can't get the two of you on the same page. True, he is going to have to change his perception of himself, and that won't happen overnight. But, the next move, IMHO, is yours -- you need to lay a few facts on the line ASAP . . .
You have said that you have found high heels of his, but that he still doesn't realize you found them. Now, do I also understand you correctly that you have found panties and jewelry (that he attributed to being his ex-wife's)?!! And, do I understand that his ex has confirmed some knowledge of his being a crossdresser?!! And, do I understand that you two have had a talk where he pretty much confirmed what he is, but in so doing indicated that he thought he must be some sort of freak?!! And, do I understand that his ex "outed him" to a friend?!! And, one last thing, do I understand that y'all have worn panties in the past?!!
Sorry for all the questions -- I am just trying to put the pieces of several posts together.
"IF" I have read these correctly, then you do "know what you know." And, you also know that he has been outed by someone he once had a relationship with -- which would be a personal betrayal even though the relationship was essentially over. You also know that he thinks what he does is somehow "freakish" and/or not natural, and/or even "sick."
"IF" I have all of this essentilly right, I am of the opinion you need to get in a quite place with him immediately and tell him (a.) you have found his heels -- and whatever else you have found; and (b.) you get the distinct feeling that he thinks what he does is freakish and/or sick; (c.) you understand that he has faced a brutal thing -- being outed to a friend by someone that should have kept his confidence even if their relationship was over; (d.) you want him to know that you are not that type of person -- you want him to be happy and you are willing to learn and grow -- to accept him for what he is and keep his confidence no matter what; and (e.) the only obstical to the two of you growing would be him failing to trust you with regards to accepting him and what he is!!!
Corrine: I truly believe you need to get all of this out and in the open -- it goes to the very foundation of trust, honesty, and commitment!!! You cannot have a healthy and vibrant marriage without this!!! If you think he will cut you off with some form of denial if you try to talk to him about all of these points, then write it out (sweetly), leave it where he will find it and have time to read it, digest it, think about it, and re-read it, AND then later have the opportunity to talk with you.
Interesting quandry. Trying to figure out how I would feel in the same situation. Actually, I have told my wife, years ago, and she is still unaccepting. To the point that I cannot really talk to her about it. She always comes on with the attitude of how silly it is and I should get over it.
I would be deleriously happy if she ever said "Whu don't you wear panties a little more ofyen?"
Yes, we cam ne insecure. We heat all the time how silkly it is, we must ne demented - that kibd of thing - especially from the men around us - strangely, even though they might like to try it or be with one of us.
We have learbed toi hide it, change the subject when it is brought up, always in fear that we really will be abandoned by oiur loved ones. Even that we are perverts (especially when someone older gets in the conversation when ever it is brought up).
We, over time, learn not to discuss, divulge our wants over time by the negative comments made by almost everybody we know. We've heard it all and it has all registered.
So the biggest problem we have is believing trhat someone is sympathetic and supporting to our desires. Many of us, in fact, belive that we ARE deviates. By everything we have heard over the years. It is a very hard pattern to break and itr is very hard to o=ver conme the guilt we feel.
You are one in a hundres in that you support him. But, I'm sure, he has a hard time believing it. Do continue to encourage him to confide in you, to support him and, yes, to asjk him to dress for you and to help him in things like buying him a piece or two of feminine jewelry - a watch, a bracelet a necklace. Nothing expensive but nice looking. Maybe set up a night where you both go to the show or out to eat where you both wear panties, nylons, maybe a bra and go out to eat. Yalk about fashion, makeup and find out how he relates to the feminine side of him. It's not going to be easy and may take a lot of effort on your part to convince him that you are serious in wanting to help him.
Stilll realize that nonme of this may help. Obviously I don't know what makes him tick, but certainly some of us are still in denial of wehat we are and what we do. Go slow, don't try to force it and look for apportunities where you can help and encourage him. It is likely scary for both of you and it is difficult to oiver come a lifetime of conditioning in a short period of time. My wife has known forovewr 25 years and we have not progressed, on her part anyway, one iota from the day I told her.
Dawn.
Corrine, I realize this is late ,probably to late but here it goes. I agree with the other ladies here...leave the drinks out until after you talk,you might even leave the making love out of it at first. My suggestion would be to talk with him as you planned then send him off to change,if you can do this leave a trail of rose pedals just short of the bedroom door and have not only panties butn entire out fit laid out for him on the bed, follow him after a few seconds as I'm sure he will pause at the site of the clothes then ask in an supportive yet firm and loving voice ask if you can help him and let things progress from ther, perhaps even have a glass of wine waiting. This will if he is aimiable to it no doubt lead you into more indepth discussion and could be of great help to hisgetting comfortable with it in the open. This will be a hard road, be supportive and assuring that your love will not fail him. Please keep us informed,I would truely like to know how things work out for you both.
On a side note I told my wife of 10 years before our first date! If there is anything I can do to help feel free to send a pm. Best of luck to you both.
On the road of discovery ... learning to be the woman I have always been.
Http://photobucket.com/viccy
since you know his ex wife hurt him and blabed to his friends, let him know that no matter what happens in your relationship, you will never betray him with this, NEVER, and really mean it, no matter what happens in your lives. i knew my SO would never tell a soul about it, not to her friends or family, no one, so i could talk to her about it right away, slowly convince him, that you will never say a word about it, and thats its ok with you.
For once I am lost for words. You know, he knows you know, you are supportive, he knows you are supportive and yet he remains in denial? This is so far outside my boundaries that I'd better let some of the other girls give wisdom. Just to let you know that we are with you all the way in this
love
Mitch
The fact you are okay with it probably means little to him at this point because he has yet to overcome his shame and guilt. I'm also guessing he's not good at talking about his feelings, most men have no experience here because they've spent a lifetime trying to fit into the "macho role" for fear of being thought of as less than a man. I wish you luck in getting him to be comfortable sharing this with you.
You don't have to have been born female to enjoy being a girl
Corrine, I must repeat myself from your earlier post (Ithink it was you) and recomend that you both get counselling. He sounds like he has some serious relationship issues to deal with, beyond the CDing. He is such a lucky guy to have you in his life. The last time my wife found my stash she screamed "You're a freak" at me and started packing to move out. Only a lot of begging and talking convinced her to stay, and she will never accept my CDing. I fear it will lead to our divorce eventually. So, get help now, you so you know you can truly accept his CDing, and him so he can accept it and improve your relati0onship. Just my .02$ Stephanie
I'm with Mitch.
It sounds like the ball is definitely in his court. I think that it is possible to push too much about this to him, and it sounds to me like it might be time to back off for a while, at least until you can figure out a better/different approach.
Certainly, there is no point pushing using the same reasoning that has been proven to not work.
Just my 0.02
Good luck!
[SIZE="3"]You are an awesome Lady.. and your husband has a real jewel...priceless..totally priceless....XO's Natie[/SIZE]
Corrine, you are a lovely lady. Why don't you both go upstairs and try on matching or the same color panties
Cissy
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