Feb 21 - That Fateful Day...

[CharleneCD]

Mellisa

Its a terrible thing that is happening to you after 25 years of commitment. Especialy over something she has never seen. I am thinking along the lines of the advice Roberta gave. Maybe its time you showed her Mellisa. Maybe she needs to come face to face with what she fears. I dont think many GG's have a clue about what it is realy about. They see a movie with a drag queen and that gives them their whole perception. Maybe by seeing you at your best might make her realize that it is not sucha big deal. Then again maybe not. Either way what do you have to lose. If it gives even a little bit of a chance for saving things, it is worth thinking about.

[Rita Knight]

Hi Melissa,
Sorry to hear about the breakup of your marriage.

Unlike some of the advice I saw, I think you should accept your wife's decision and move on. However, try to stay as friendly as possible with her. Take this from a divorced "sister." Bitterness will only make the lawyers richer. My ex and I agree, there is only one winner in divorce, the lawyers. Because of my experience, I think of them as vermin. Sorry if I offend any attorneys, but that is what I think of them as a group, not particular individuals.

[Alice Torn]

Break ups, and divorce, are a type of death, for us, but, if there really is a God, that Being, or family, must know such pain. Being misunderstood, and rejected is one of the most painful things in life, tears your being apart. I believe MEN suffer this way, far more, than gg's... I have some maybe odd advice, and it may be too late. The movie "Glen or Glenda", which came out, in the late 40's, or early 50's, and is about a crossdresser, would be a good movie, for you and her to watch together, might , I say might, help her be more understanding. It may not. You will survive this.

[stephanie100]

What can I say except sorry to hear this.
To be asked to stay four or five years in the same house must be difficult I would want to get out ASAP If no chance of a reconcilliation protect yourself as others have said.
Steph

[Alyshia121]

I'm wondering what you'll do next. It's times like this that I wish we were all together in person instead of being separated by computer screens. Promise us you won't do anything crazy.

I've been with my SO for 8 years now. Obviously I can't speak for 25 years, but emotion knows no time frame, especially when it comes too things like this. I really don't know what else I should say, except that I wish you nothing but happiness in the future, at the risk of sounding too cliche.

[Marcie Sexton]

I am so sorry thins went south in your relationship...I gotta believe there were other contributing factors involved...I know right now you are still dealing with the shock, but after the smoke has cleared I'm sure you can see other things that help push things to the breaking point...I'm not making excuses, but having dealt with a previous breakup I can now see other things that contributed to it...

I would however start to look for other living arrangements...she is still wanting the security of the living arrangements, but no committment. I would also refrain from all outside relationships, that is only fuel for the fire, and more ammo for the lawyer...If in deed she wants out, I would insist one or the other seek different living arrangements.

I can only hope that she will reconsider and the two of you begin to repair the damage done to the relationship...

I wish you good luck no matter what coarse you take, by choice or necessity...

[Angie G]

Sorry of this news good luck and all the best to you we are here foy you hun

Angie

[melissacd]

I have to say that the support and advice that I have received from all of you has been invaluable. Thanks so much. I love you all and I love this community. And of course I love being a cross dresser.

[S. Lisa Smith]

There is nothing I can add, except good luck and keep your spirits up!

[Danni Bear]

Melissa , I know exactly what you are going through. i'm in exacty the same place except for a young son. beleive me a good and sympathic lawyer is what you need. Be up front with him/her at the outset . My wife of too many years kicked me out when i started hormone therapy although she said the cd'ing was ok.that was a little over six months ago. life has been h**l since then but with the help of a therapist i am working through it. i hope that somehow you and your wife make the trransition but don't tae chances with your happiness or your sons.

love and kisses

danni

[MistyCD]

Hi, sorry to hear about your experience, but please, contact a lawyer. Next close any Joint accounts such as credit card accounts that you both have. I would then change your will. You might even want ask the lawyer about moving some of your money around, so she can't get it. I don't know what they have in Canada, but in the US we have US govt savings bonds that can be purchased. Get yourself a private safety deposit box in a bank, buy some bonds and keep them there.

Hugs Misty

[Melinda G]

Some things need to be said here. Do not come out to your kids, or your son. They are too young to deal with it. If she tells the kids, just say it was something that you looked into now and then. No big deal. Just normal curiosity.
And don't move out of the house. If you move out of the house, you have abandoned her, and she is left holding all the cards. If it is over, you need to protect yourself. Many women want to stay together a while, "to sort things out", with no intention of getting back together, but to make their plans and consider their best options.

[Glamourgirl GG]

Had I read this post first, I would have bit my tongue on something else I said to you in another post.

I am sorry that your wife has chosen to end your marriage.

[Debra Lynn]

Melissa

First, My thoughts go out to you in this regards, I cannot imagine the shock of such a final declaration.

Second, Take the lead in making decisions. Check with a lawyer to secure not only your financial half, but your family half as well. Her invitation to you to seek out others to have a relationship with is a invitation to lose everything as she can suddenly declare you to be "unfaithful" to her! Her desire to not "rock the boat" by ending the relationship but staying roommates and not to disturb her 81 year old mother is a play on your heartstrings, having the cake and eating it too. We all have to make decisions as individuals but we also have to live with our decisions. You may want to play fair and divide equally, but it sounds like she wants to present this facade to the world of everything is so right. Giving her 5 years to drive a wedge between you and your son is not wise. Counseling for him and the two of you is vital because it WILL impact his schoolwork (I would guess him to be about 13 or 14?) because he is in a very tramatic time physically and socially. If she is really concerned about your son, then the counseling time and information time about crossdressing needs to be properly presented to minimize the impact and allow him to process all the feelings and questions he is going to have. If you let her break it to him, you are surrendering his outlook to her. Then you play catch up.

Finally, Why do some women suddenly (seemingly) turn? No good answer, but your own welfare and the welfare of your son should now be your priority. She has surrendered her right to your benevolence. You need to be fair, but firm and set out your priorities as this relationship ends. You are the victim in this breakup, you didn't ask for it, but you must deal with it to protect yourself and your son. Yes, he is both your son and her's, but you need to show now that you will fight for what is your due as she works to end this.

May you be blessed because you are true to yourself.

[julie w]

Melissa its time to move on , I was married for 20yrs and she said her needs were not being meet she never said it was the crossdressing but I am sure it was part of the reason , we lived in the same house for a while and then sold it ,I was very low for awhile but I meet someone new that doesnt support my cding but has known about it from the begining and jokes about it and knows its part of me and is ok with that,and its been six years now ,I am much happier with her than
my ex , as for my ex her life is the dumps she is with a guy that cant keep a job she is in debt, and my kids cant stand her partner . I know its hard right now but you will get over it good luck

[dann]

Melissa, I'm really sorry to hear this sad story. Hopefully it's only a bad chapter in a happy ending.I have a feeling it is. Hang in there. But protect yourself, and your family. Don't be afraid to assert your ideas of how this should end and what's best for your son.
I think in many cases we cd's end up feeling so guilty over keeping this a secret from our wives for so long that we are willing to fold on things we shouldn't fold on when it comes to divorce time.I know it's wrong to lie and hide. We all know that. If we felt secure on a better path we would've travelled it.
I have the feeling sometimes that I'm right behind you in the divorce line with my wife over the cding issue. The more she puts it out of her mind the harder she seems to fall when she can't deny it anymore.

[charles1]

i told my wife of 35+ yrs and our relationship has never been the same since its been a year since i dressed and resisted dressing and we are both miseralble me for screwing up and not being who i am and her for not knowing what not who she married i am dressing tonite alone and fell so relaxed chas

[melissacd]

Well my wife and I have had a number of conversations since the big announcement. I have been testing the waters to see how solid she is on this decision of hers. Tonight we had a lengthy discussion in the car, going in circles around the whole relationship. In the end it boiled down to her saying that there were two things that I stated that I required, one was being able to dress and the other was intimacy. She said that she just cannot accept the dressing, ever. Strike one. She then said that because of the cross dressing she cannot be intimate again, ever. Lastly, she said - instead of trying to convince/convert her to accept this why don't I just go to one of those bulletin boards that you frequent, talk to an SO GG and see if she has a sister who will accept you and who is looking for a mate. She said you will have much more luck achieving happiness and acceptance than trying to get that from her.

Ouch!!!! - that hurt.

Now that many days have passed since the announcement, she has been friendly, warm, kissy, huggy, cuddly and tonight asked if we could go out together - she even insisted on holding hands. Soooooo - I thought perhaps after all of the discussions and her pondering separation that perhaps she was starting to have a change of heart about all of this. I figured, what can I lose by trying to broach the topic once again, with the result I as described above. I said to her that I wanted to be sure that she really felt this was over. I said that I was getting confusing signals from her and reminded her of the last time we went through this ten years ago where I would try and chat about this with her and she would not discuss it and then later said that I did not try hard enough.

When I pointed out how she asked me out, held my hand tonight, hugged me and at the end said she really enjoyed getting out together - her response was - oh that was nothing, I was just bored and wanted to get out - she said that had I said that I did not want to go out it would not have mattered to her either way.

Double ouch!!!! - Man this hurts like hell.

I am beginning to understand why it is that friends are telling me that staying together in the same house now that she has decided to end it, because it is more convenient for her and her mother is not going to work for very long. I ended this evening with a horrible feeling in my stomach and a great sadness at he loss. And yet I keep hearing her say - you did not try hard enough the last time and wonder if this is just a game she is playing with me, making it really hard and yet in the back of her mind wanting me to keep trying to win her back (hence the confusing signals, the huggs, kisses, cuddles, hand holding) - I hate playing these kind of games and yet feel that if I just give up and move on that I may be making a big mistake - my head says end it and move on and my heart says - there is still a slight chance of reversal.

She did say one thing that made sense though - it would be so much easier if I just found someone that accepts from the get go - because she is certainly fighting this tooth and nail.

[Sophia Rearen]

Melissa, I am sorry to say, but, it seems to me that she is using you. If she lost respect for you through your cding, and juding by her comments, she will never gain back that respect. Relationships need respect, both ways. Perhaps this is a way of stringing you along until her mothers impending demise? Question is, are you willing to put up with this?

[Charleen]

Hate to say it, but put a fork in it-it's done! I have to agree with the opinion of others that there is something else going on beside the CDing. From what you have written she is using you!!! Run, don't walk to a lawyer and GET OUT OF THERE!

[lowlavalentine]

denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

In so much as the death of your masculinity is being mourned by your wife it seems your marriage made it to stage 3/4 in Kubler-Ross' grief cycle. Some people and relationships just never reach the acceptance stage in spite of best efforts to do so. You need to be congratulated on your communication and counselling attempts; valant if unsuccessful.

It seems strange that the high heeled shoe dropped after 25 years of tolerance. Why now?

Lowla

[Robin Leigh]

When I pointed out how she asked me out, held my hand tonight, hugged me and at the end said she really enjoyed getting out together - her response was - oh that was nothing, I was just bored and wanted to get out - she said that had I said that I did not want to go out it would not have mattered to her either way..

Melissa, please don't let her torture you like this. How could you even contemplate 5 more years of that cruel behaviour?

She won't even concede to look at one picture of you en femme, yet she can't stand you & wants to dissolve the marriage because you're a CDer. That's not very fair, IMHO. Sure, such a picture may be highly disturbing to her. Has she never seen disturbing images before? Doesn't she watch TV or movies?

Tell her that you're prepared to "keep up appearances" while her mother is still alive, but only if she agrees to see you en femme (or at least a pic), just once. Just to see how she reacts...

It seems strange that the high heeled shoe dropped after 25 years of tolerance. Why now?

What tolerance, Lowla? Melisaa's wife has hated it from the moment she first learned of it, ten years ago. There has been no tolerance, just avoidance, at best.

After reading Melissa post from 2005 that DonnaT linked to, I'm amazed that Melissa has lasted with her wife for this long.



Robin

[heelme]

When I pointed out how she asked me out, held my hand tonight, hugged me and at the end said she really enjoyed getting out together - her response was - oh that was nothing, I was just bored and wanted to get out - she said that had I said that I did not want to go out it would not have mattered to her either way.

I feel for you, Melissa, it would appear a game is being played. For someone that makes definite statements about lack of interest, that's a pretty cruel way of showing it. Could she be trying to force something here? Is she expecting you to "try harder" this time to win her over? Is any of this worth it to you?

Your mind says leave but your heart says there's a chance for reconcilliation. Maybe it's time to play a card of your own in this "game". Propose a separation to her. Incorporate her concerns for her Mother as well as your children and agree to put on a facade for that. One of you move out of the home. It might be that a shot of realization for her is a sensible next step in your relationship. Right now she holds all the cards. She's dictating how the relationship currently stands as well as fairly far into the future. What follows may not work for the two of you or for that matter, any other couple. That the outcome has been good and steadily getting better is the reason for my suggestion above. My hope, of course, is for success for you both.

About 15 years ago, my wife announced she could not live with me crossdressing. She told me she already rented an apartment and enrolled our two pre-teen sons in another school system. BAM! Just like that. No warning (at least I didn't read into anything). I didn't fight it. Truth is, I want her to be happy and if that means without me, then I have no choice but to let her go. That weekend, we rented a moving truck and set the three of them up in their new home. She told me the boys would stay with her and she didn't want anything else from me. Yeah, it hurt.

In the following month we spent hours on the phone at all hours and I visited almost every day. Reality had set in forcing earnest discussion that eventually led to therapy and an agreement to try again. It was expensive, both in emotion and finance, but the results were well worth it, at least this time, for the two of us. She felt trapped and deceived and feared my crossdressing would lead to my leaving her. Even though we'd talked about these things before she moved out, for some reason, our taking that step made us really look hard and deep into our relationship. What we found is that we were imperfect. Neither of us was EXACTLY what the other expected at that point in our lives. She also began to understand that I had in fact not changed. I was still the same person whether dressed like a man or like a woman.

It is not an easy road and one that I would not have picked at that time, but it worked out very well for everyone in the end. Looking back, I pushed too hard and too fast for acceptance. Almost a fatal error. Counselling did help in our case.

Today, we're closer than ever. I am one of the fortunate men married to a remarable lady. I remind myself of that daily. For us, it was not a click of a light switch. It went from denial to anger to tolerance to forms of acceptance and continues to grow. There are boundaries of course. I respect them until my wife is comfortable otherwise. I still consider myself in the closet as it pertains to family and friends and that's the way it will stay, again, until we are both comfortable.

So, that's my tragedy to triumph story. Take it or leave it. Hopefully, I've added another thought process that you can use in some way to get where you want to be. You're in my thoughts.

[Stephenie S]

I appreciate all of your support. I had hoped for a better ending but I could see from how the counselling was progressing that she was unwilling to work through this.

She said that I would never convince her to be a part of this. I told her I already accepted that and that it was something I would always do on my own. She and the counsellor said that cross dressing is something that cannot be treated like a hobby. The counsellor stated that to many women cross dressing has a much deeper and more negative significance. She said that it takes a very strong woman to deal with something like this, that some women cannot make that leap.

When my wife made this declaration, the thing that struck me most was how matter-of-fact she said, in response to my request to continue to work through this, ... "you just don't get it, being a cross dresser makes you so unattractive to me, you are such a turn off". She cannot get this negative image out of her head - EVEN THOUGH - she has never seen me (or a picture of me) dressed. Her biases against cross dressing are so strong that she won't even try. The is what hurts. To her it is a deal breaker.

At this point the counsellor started talking to me about how I need to move into a new phase of this counselling process to deal with my son and his needs. She said that I should put my cross dressing needs aside for a while....hmmmm.

In any event, she wants to maintain the house and the marital facade until her 81 year old mother passes, as she feels that it would be too hard on her. She wants to tell my son but not until the summer as she feels it would affect his school performance for this year. I have a lot to process. I want to do my best to take the high road and work through the separation peacefully, take care of the interests and needs of my children, protect my interests and get on with my life.

I am not sure how long she and I can maintain this - facade state - she suggests that we should do it until my son is on his own (she figures at least 5 years) though I am not sure if I can put my life on hold for that long. I said to her in counselling that I have spent 10 years trying to reach a resolution on this issue and I am not sure that I am prepared to wait another 5 years to get on with my life.

We will see how this unfolds.

Melissa

Dear Melissa,

I will say this again. The above relationship benefits only your wife. You are left out in the cold and paying for it. Why? I know you want to act the "good" person that you are, but this is just too much. I am sure it seems reasonable to her because she feels that you are the one in the wrong. But, sweetie, your are NOT the one in the wrong. You are the one who wants to keep working on this marriage. You are the one who wants to make it all work. Please don't accept the short end of the stick (gee, I don't see that you get any of the stick at all) in this breakup. You are NOT the one at fault. Formulate a fair settlement, perhaps with the help of a trusted lawyer, and insist upon it. Don't try and pretend to be married just for your ex-wife's (and that's what she wants to be) convenience for the next 5-10 years. What's next? Will you be treated to making breakfast for her and her boyfriend who just slept in YOUR bed?

Protect yourself. Don't be a martyr. You will get no points for this in the end. Don't wake up in 10 - 20 years and say, "Boy I wish I had taken better care of ME".

Lovies,
Stephenie

[DonnaT]

I am beginning to understand why it is that friends are telling me that staying together in the same house now that she has decided to end it, because it is more convenient for her and her mother is not going to work for very long. I ended this evening with a horrible feeling in my stomach and a great sadness at he loss. And yet I keep hearing her say - you did not try hard enough the last time and wonder if this is just a game she is playing with me, making it really hard and yet in the back of her mind wanting me to keep trying to win her back (hence the confusing signals, the huggs, kisses, cuddles, hand holding) - I hate playing these kind of games and yet feel that if I just give up and move on that I may be making a big mistake - my head says end it and move on and my heart says - there is still a slight chance of reversal.

I don't know if she's playing games or what. but one thing I always suggest, Don't move out of the house.

If she wants to call it quits, let her walk.

My wife kept bringing up the D word occasionally, and one day I made a vow to myself that if she did it again, I'd say: "If you want to leave, then go ahead. I don't want to and never will. It's your choice. I'll still love you."

Well, last August, on our anniversary, I had to keep the vow to myself. Hardest thing I've ever had to do.

She was stunned speechless. Then a little later she said she could not believe I had said that, that she thought she'd never hear me say those words.

She got in her car and left. A bit later she came home, made up a bed in another room. Later that night she came back to bed.

We're still together.

May or may not work for you, but don't move out.