Wife just found out.

[CandyDarling]

Hi - I'm brand new here. Lifelong 55 year old cd. About 10 days ago I got a call at work - it was my wife saying. "I'm sitting here looking at a picture of you in drag. Would you like to explain this?" I think you all know how I felt. OMG the blood left my face. I rushed home and spilled all to her. Told her how much I wanted to tell her - that I'm not gay that its been all my life etc etc. She FREAKED and withdrew. Later she came and said she thought could deal with it but the vision of me in drag was a huge turn off. She said - As long as this is not every weekend and never happens in from of the kids, I can deal with it. She agreed to a counselling session and we went to my gender therapist in Providence and it was such a relief. We negotiated permission for me to attend a cd support meeting and started talking about letting me go to Southern Comfort. Now I feel scared to bring it up again - tthe subject has gone cold - ice cold and she has no interest in me as a sex partner. ( My newly shaved legs really really disgust and upset her) - We have gone to lunch together and shopping (for her) and had wine and she said - "You know - you have always been my best girlfriend" I think I'm lucky but I long for more from her. God grant me patientce and all of you here please tell me your story and give me advice.

[Missy Anne]

Wow Candy,

That is a really hard way for her to have found out.

First of all we welcome you here. There is plenty of support here and if you do some searching you will find all kinds of similar stories and solutions. Some worked well and others not so well. Since you are still together that is a good sign.

Most GG's take a lot of time to get used to the idea. In my case it took Mrs. Missy (my wife) several months to get over the shock and another year to get to where she realized it was no big deal and now we even have fun with it together.

It is a long slow road, one that requires a lot of patience and understanding from both of you. If you had a great relationship before, and can get her to join here, it may help.

Best regards to both of you.

Missy Anne

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

We all wish we could muster up the courage to tell our So's everything before we get too involved but it's always survival of the fittest so most of us hide our CD,ing from friends and family. I told my wife of 20 years three years ago and it was horrible at first. She has pretty much resigned herself to it with some give and take from me and her on several issues. We do attend our area Tri-ess meetings and also a Couples meeting once a month. The couples meetings are non crossdressing events held at members houses where we get to-gether and discuss many issues, it really helps both of us. I highly recommend that you check it out with her.

[linnea]

That's a difficult way for the news to break. My SO still doesn't know and I've been crossdressing at least as long as you have. I haven't resolved myself to come out to her, but I have really gotten a lot of help and support through the girls in this forum. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my CDing life.
Good luck and best wishes to you and your wife.

[Tina B.]

Hi Candy, sorry you didn't find up till now, check out a lot of the back postings, this sort of thing happens all the time.
We have a great set of wifes that hang out here, maybe if you could get her to read some of the post found here, she might find out the world as she knew may have changed, but not ended. After all you are the same person, as before. But you have kept a big secret from her, and her feelings of trust are at play here, as well as having to deal with a crossdresser.
Missy Anne is right about it taking a long time for some to adjust, some never do but know, and ignore, as long as it is kept out of site. And some don't take it that well. For every crossdresser that is married, the story is different.
My wife did except it right off, but then I pushed the boundaries to far, and we had a big blow up, I then back off, and took it slow, now if she's been out and comes home and finds me in mens clothes she will ask why, go figure!
Good luck to you, and your wife, I hope you find a happy ending to this tale, happy for the both of you!
Tina B.

[Eugenie]

God grant me patientce and all of you here please tell me your story and give me advice.

Since you asked for support, here is my experience, I will not give any advice though...

We have gone to lunch together and shopping (for her) and had wine and she said - "You know - you have always been my best girlfriend" I think I'm lucky but I long for more from her.

This is about where I am at... A friendly relation with my wife, nothing more, not even a hug, since almost ten years. For info, we have been married for 37 years and I told my wife two years after our mariage: I thought that x-dressing would disappear with a regular sex life so I did not tell her before we got married. We had a "normal" sex life for most of our wedding years but since about ten years she completely lost interest.

I thought, before that, that my x-dressing was more or less accepted by her since she knew and we continued to have sex as any other couple. But during a severe crisis, about a month ago, she told me that it had really turned her off even though she managed to get over it. But after she was menopaused she lost completely interest.

Now for the balance between expressing my "femme side" and respecting my wife own feelings:

After the crisis I described above, we came to an agreement: she tollerates that I X-dress, that I see sisters at meetings, that I have contacts on the internet, but does not want to see me "en femme", and also want me to spend less time on forums ... And be a little more paying attention to her needs... All that seems reasonable...

This severe crisis has turned out to help our relation a lot. But forget about sex between us. I must say that she did not ask me to stop x-dressing. She knows that this is not a realistic request. I also know that my x-dressing is only part of her lack of interest in sex. So I decided that it was better for both of us to remain just friends. I was tempted to start a new life for a while, but after we discussed, I think that it would do more harm than solve problems. My wife was ready to let me do that but told me that she did not think that I would be happier living "en femme" full time. She may be right, changing ones life at 60 is quite an endeavour...

I hope this experience has shed some different light on your perception of your own situation.

Eugenie

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

the hardest part is the "finding out " !! & its a total shock sometimes, when you think/thought you knew that person, but hey no !!!! from out of nowhere it suddnely hits you in the face.
yes, things will change in your realtionship, some for better. some for worse maybe but, youve both taken a step forward, in seeking help, and its going to take your SO awhile for this to sink in im afraid. she's just had a major shock, and her world has been rocked, so gently does it bit by bit. talking is a major key in this, ( as you will come to discover from forum ), sadly its give 'take, finding the "boundries" for both yourself & your SO .
you will get alot of good advice from people here, and everyday will be a learning day for you both with the c/d now its out in open
i wish you both well, & hope that things will/can improve

[Sandra]

You have a long and bumpy road ahead of you and it may not turn out how you would like it to.

Take it very slow with her try bringing the subject up but don't push if she says no. If she will talk about it then be preapred for the questions and answer as honestly as you can, but also the shouting and ranting I'm afraid it comes with finding out.

She will proably be thinking that her world has fallen apart and has no one to turn to and that she is alone in all of this. Tell her she isn't you could suggest this forum but so early on I would be careful doing that, she is welcome to e-mail me is she so wishes to have a chat.

[SandyR]

Welcome to the forum Candy! I think the girls and GG's have posted some sound advice. All I can add is be patient and try to put your self in the wifes shoes (or heels has the case me be). Feel free to look up some of my past post on this subject......

Hang in there!

SandyR

[cindychan]

All I can say is good luck because it only gets worse. From my exprience with my ex I learned there is a bit more to it. I revealed practically from when we first meet that I was a CD. She was cool with that and everything was perfect for many years. One day she flips and admits everything I've done with her was wrong including the CDing. She leaves me, and tells everybody, including my parents and friends about it. I was devastated and ruined. Now I'm picking up the pieces and starting over with my life. On the up side this whole thing has brought me closer to my family and they told me its none of their business what I do. My dad confessed to me he CDed when he was younger as well, which I thought was funny, then he asked me how much female impresonators make. lol.

[Andrea Nicole]

I agree ... it's goin' get a LOT worse.
It's the dressing, plus you were not honest and sharing with her. Marriage is based on mutual trust. You didn't keep up your part.
I don't have a real bright outlook on this one.
Huggs,
Andi ...

[JulieC]

And the words of caution yet again to everyone reading this who HASN'T told. This is the fire you are playing with. You think it would be bad if you told her? Take a wild guess how bad it would be if she found out on her own.

I can't tell anyone what to do; everyone has their own situation, their own sense of what is right and wrong. But, I can tell you that I've never seen a situation be *better* because someone let their spouse find out on their own (and you do let them find out by not telling them; eventually they will find out on their own and *poof* goes the trust).

[SandyR]

Thats what I like about this place, honesty! I am one of the lucky ones, she is supportive, but it took sometime.

SandyR

[Michelle123 GG]

I just went through a similar situation with my husband. I found a login name with an odd email address and found out that he was searching different sites about CDing. Hang in there with your wife, it's a big shock to get use to and it may take a long time for her to get to a full level of acceptance.

I know in my situation I'm about 95% okay with everything and 5% scared to death. I just found out about a month ago, so it's all new to me. At this point I don't ever feel comfortable enough seeing him in my lingerie and he says he's okay with that. It's all about compromise...I hope you both find a comfortable middle ground.

[CandyDarling]

Wow. What a reasoned, well spoken and compassionate bunch ! I am so glad to have found this forum. Thank you all for your reply's. Like they say the waiting is the hardest part. Like many of us, I presume, I want it all fixed right now. I'll lay back and give her space.

I have been so ashamed and guilt riddden and scared and stuffed for so long -it really is a relief to be out to her and to have you all to come out to !! Now whatever happens happens in the context of the truth and not a lie by omission. My favorite Buddhist Nun - Pema Chodron says that, "fear is a natural reaction to comming closer to the truth."

Thank you I look forward to getting to know you all.

[AllyM]

Candy,

It is important to understand what a blow it must have been for your wife to find out, especially the way she did. My wife was shocked and I told her face to face. Add in the surprise element of finding a picture, I can imagine she was devasted. I suggest you take it one step at time, giving her adequate room to absorb it. I know this is difficult for you, but keeping her feelings in the forefront is important to do.

Focus on her right now, she needs it!

[Tina B.]

I told you we have some great GG's hanging around here!
Tina B.
They know, they have been there! For us CD'ers, we really can't talk for their side of it!

[Sheila]

Candy,
hi and welcome

similar situation to how I found out about my cdr........... discovery not revelation...............if she wants to talk ask for my email address amd I will send it you

Jess

[Holly]

Candy, I think you are on the right track. Maybe you got there kicking and screaming but you are on your way. You need to start preparing to answer her questions and you must do so candidly and honestly. Let her set the pace. Be willing to negotiate. Conversation involves both speaking and listening. You need to be the best listener you have ever been. If you don't understand something that she says, then ask for clarification. Lastly, trust your love for her and her love of you. Some damage has likely occurred to your relationship but IT CAN BE REPAIRED as long as both parties are willing to try. Best wishes to both of you.

[Glamourgirl GG]

Candy, as a GG who got the shock of her life when her husband of 7 years told her, the best advice I can give you is to really be patient with her. She is going through a ton of emotions and sometimes she will feel she is ok with it and sometimes not. Her emotions will confuse the heck out of you--just be patient. If she sets limits, abide by them and don't take an inch. If there are things you want to do, be open and talk to her. Make sure she knows that you care about what she thinks and feels. The worst part for us GG's is feeling like we are in the dark about it all. I know for myself it is something I cannot at all comprehend and my husband has watched me run the gammet of emotions with it. Just as you want understanding, so does she.

Also, understand that she may feel a sense of betrayal. Maybe right now, maybe somewhere down the line. Be as truthful as possible when you talk to her.

Good luck.

[lahr]

Hello and thanks for sharing. I eased into CDing with a fem articles of clothing, shoes, ect. At first she thought that it was kinky sex. Today my limited way of Cding is every day life. No breast forms, make up or wigs ect in front of my wife but I count my blessings. May you and youre wife find peace.

[Alyshia121]

I'm sure this is a big shock to you as well, considering how long you've been CD'ing. I have to be honest, though. I know I'm younger and fairly new to the forum, but I don't know if I or anyone else would agree to your joining a support group. I'm imagining that she's treating you as having a mental disorder.

Now her attitude might change over time, or it might get worse. It might be her initial reaction that's doing it. Like I said, I really don't have a lot of years behind me, but I've seen and heard enough horror stories about CDing, homosexuality, transgender issues and other things along that line, and, as it's sort of obvious, we've all been through similar things.

All that I can say is that I hope desperately things work out between the two of you.

You know you have accepting and open arms here

[sissystephanie]

Candy

I am older than you and have been a CD longer than you have lived.

Your story is a classic example why I tell all my CD friends to be Honest and UPfront about their CD activities, preferably before the marriage.

I told my fiance right after we got engaged. On our wedding day we wore matching white silk lingerie. Doesn't get much better than that! We had been married 49 1/2 years when she passed away 2 years ago. The only restrictions she put on me was never dressing around our kids, or out in public with her. I wore panties and a nightgown to bed most nights, and panties during the day.

Your wife has already shown some acceptance, so just hang in there. Don't push her, let her set the pace. Remind her every chance you get that you love her as a woman.

Things will get better!!

[kathy gg]

Candy I was hoping someone woudl have written this...But I did not see it in a reply.

First I want you to think about this:

You have had your entire life to figure yourself out and you said in your second post " I have been so ashamed and guilt riddden and scared and stuffed for so long". So if YOU, yourself are the crossdresser and you have felt these feelings...and she has known for what? ten days.....did you, or do you expect full aceptance, enthused participation?....because again ...and I quote "I think I'm lucky but I long for more from her. God grant me patientce"

Wow...that is pretty heavey.....considering she has known for a whole ten days.

I am guessing you have been married more than ten days...right?

Okay, trying to inject some sarcasm and humor...hope it comes off that way.

But seriously, I hate to bust your bubble, but if she has agreed to some boundaries and terms and even counseling....wow! You are like a gazillion steps ahead of alot of guys on this forum. GUys who carefully told their wives and had educational material ready, guys who thought they were prepared...and yet still have zero tolerance.....aceptance? they wish...more like icy cold indiference and no desire or want to ever go to counseling.

Also, by her finding out, okay...not being told...you were busted...to msot wives that indicates a desire on the husbands part to have no want for disclosure. So....what that probably means is you are actually miles ahead of what you had ever planned...right? If you planned on not telling her....am I making sense here?

The second thing I want you to think about is this:

THis business about no sex for ...what ten days
? Sadly some women do lose their desire once told this info. It can really dampen the image and fire that their husbands face brings in their mind. Also..for a guy complaining about sex....shaving seems more important...I mean if you know it is a turn off...why do it? I am not saying to NOT shave...but you will see that sometimes a person has to give up one thing to get another.....ie ...no shaving might = sex. Just an idea.

I woudl hate, I meam HATE....to see a nice maried couple with kids have their marriage slowly sink into a bog of "pink fog"....which is something that happends once the desire to crossdress outweighs the desire to be a husband/father/man.......

I say navigate these next few months very very cautiously. Most wives don't go looking and seeking a man who is a crossdresser....most guys have to work with-in what was sold from the get go. You sold yourself as the man, and unless you want to pull up stakes...think very carefully about the decisions you make regarding your femme self.

THis is not the time to think about what can you get out of this deal....but think about how your actions, your words, your needs are affecting your partner. Once she has reached a plateu of acceptance then you can re-evaluate what you woudl like to accomplish. I think you will find that compassion, commitment, honesty, and time will work on your side...if you let them.

good luck

Hi - I'm brand new here. Lifelong 55 year old cd. About 10 days ago I got a call at work - it was my wife saying. "I'm sitting here looking at a picture of you in drag. Would you like to explain this?" I think you all know how I felt. OMG the blood left my face. I rushed home and spilled all to her. Told her how much I wanted to tell her - that I'm not gay that its been all my life etc etc. She FREAKED and withdrew. Later she came and said she thought could deal with it but the vision of me in drag was a huge turn off. She said - As long as this is not every weekend and never happens in from of the kids, I can deal with it. She agreed to a counselling session and we went to my gender therapist in Providence and it was such a relief. We negotiated permission for me to attend a cd support meeting and started talking about letting me go to Southern Comfort. Now I feel scared to bring it up again - tthe subject has gone cold - ice cold and she has no interest in me as a sex partner. ( My newly shaved legs really really disgust and upset her) - We have gone to lunch together and shopping (for her) and had wine and she said - "You know - you have always been my best girlfriend" I think I'm lucky but I long for more from her. God grant me patientce and all of you here please tell me your story and give me advice.

[Dixie Darling]

Candy,

Is your wife agreeable to look at some material on the internet? If so, why not have her read some of the appropriate posts here on the forum. Also, she might see things in a better light if you can get her to agree to have a look at my website. There's a lot of material there that just might turn on a few more lights for her, as well as information that YOU might find to be beneficial. Neither of you need to have any concerns about finding any embarrassing material there - just some down-to-earth information for the heterosexual crossdresser and his wife/girlfriend. It's worth a TRY!!!!

Dixie Darling -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd