O U T ! revisited (Let's be honest...)

[uknowhoo]

As many of you know, I came out to my wife several weeks ago. When deciding to come out, I resolved to a) be completely honest with my wife; and b) try not to take things too quickly. Unfortunately, those two goals can be inconsistent, especially with my wife who moves very quickly emotionally. She wanted to know all about everything right away. She asked to see me dressed on the second day, said it was OK to shave, even bought me a swimsuit on day 4! That would qualify as positive reaction!

Her motivation (other than her love for me, and wanting to support me) was her desire to get to know Tammi, this other side of me she had never known. Therein lies the rub. Interspersed with the positive steps were some emotional, and difficult conversations about the "real me." She was not judgemental about the dressing really. What gave her a hard time was the fact that her husband, her life partner, to whom she had been a completely open book for twenty years, had a whole other secret life which he (I) had never shared with her. I came to understand that, while I had many very good reasons to do so, not confiding in her about my femme side, who I really am, was a greater breach of trust than not disclosing that I happen to enjoy wearing skirts, heels and make-up.

So how 'bout you? Is it only about the clothes, really? Do you pretend it's only about the dressing? Or, to those who aren't out to their spouses, are you, too, hiding not just the dressing, but an important part of who you are?

I know that may sound judgemental, though that certainly isn't my intention in writing this. I was in that sameboat for too long to presume to judge you. I simply want to challenge you to take a hard, honest look at yourself. Doing so has been quite helpful to me.

Thanks for reading, and pondering.

Love,

Tammi

p.s. As far as an update is concerned... my wife presently does not wish to see me dressed, she asks some questions, and is struggling to come to terms with the whole deal. She's getting there, in a 2 steps up, 1 step back kinda way. God bless her, she is trying her best, as am I. While difficult, we are both committed to working through it, and to our marriage surviving and thriving.

[linnea]

Thank you, Tammi, for a very thoughtful and thought-provoking challenge. I have been considering coming out to my wife for some time. I have told my daughter a little and I think that I will tell her more. I'm still very uncertain.
But you've given me some very important points to consider.

[Just Plain Kay]

When I told my wife after five years of marriage, it was all about the clothes.

It was only over the next few years that I came to understand that there's much more to it.

She's been there with me as I struggled to sort things out, and she's convinced that I will transition some day. But I feel no need to do so.

[Sweet Jane]

Tammi...

I tried to come out to my wife about 13 years ago...I told her about my wearing womens underwear and the like, but not the "full" story. I never told her about the outer wear and makeup and heels etc. The reason I didn't divulge it all was that she did not take it overly well, (but then she didn't spin out either), so I chose to leave it there. Of course it gave her big insecurities, thinking that I was going to leave her, thinking that I may be gay, and no doubt there is this "new" rather strange" to say the least side to me that I had sprung on her which she was trying to comprehend. She did offer to buy me silk boxers!!?

I am aware that she married a "man", and possibly has no wish to have a CD as a husband, and therein lies most of our problems...I don't know if I want her to see me dressed. I don't know if that would embarrass me, her or both of us. I have thought long and hard about another more open and fully truthful talk with her, but I know that once it's out, I can never take it back. I don't think anyone that loves someone truely wants to risk it all, but, I know that she loves me too, and I'm sure she would be able to accept me for what I really am. I know that I would rather not be hiding who I am....it makes me feel "dirty", it makes me feel like a cheat.

Tammi, I'll be interested to see what others think. I'd also be interested to hear a GG side. It's just that at the moment, again I am lacking courage to do what I know I should do...and that's to talk openly with the one person I love more than anyone. I will get there one day.

[Sky]

I resolved to a) be completely honest with my wife and b) try not to take things too quickly.

As I was reading this I was thinking "danger - red lights..."

Unfortunately, those two goals can be inconsistent...

Told ya!

So how 'bout you? Is it only about the clothes, really? Do you pretend it's only about the dressing? Or, to those who aren't out to their spouses, are you, too, hiding not just the dressing, but an important part of who you are?

Of course it's not only about the dressing. Yes, I don't want to share everything I am with her. But there also is a lot I do want to share with her, and therefore it's worth staying together. I know it's against the "majority accepted" morality. I don't believe in such a thing. I also know it's not a perfect solution. But I don't believe in perfect solutions either.

Good luck in your coming out process!

[erica12b]

i have not told anyone in my real life .just my online world, i do not dress very often, and its more of a hobby than a life style for me, but i have been trying to find a gg that i can meet in my area, that will have talked to erica before she meets the male half , truth /reality

[Karren H]

Luckily or unluckily depending on your point of view, my wife didn't want to get to know Karren... And she doesn't even know I have a fem name, or seen me dressed or seen a photo..... An she knows I still dress... So honestly, as long as she's happy and I still get to dress then we have a system.. May not be perfect, but if does avoid a some of the problems you just described..

And winning back the trust of decieving her for 30 years is still an ongoing process..

Each person has their own way of dealing with things!! Right or wrong..

Love Karren

[Sophia Rearen]

So how 'bout you? Is it only about the clothes, really? Do you pretend it's only about the dressing? Or, to those who aren't out to their spouses, are you, too, hiding not just the dressing, but an important part of who you are?


p.s. As far as an update is concerned... my wife presently does not wish to see me dressed, she asks some questions, and is struggling to come to terms with the whole deal. She's getting there, in a 2 steps up, 1 step back kinda way. God bless her, she is trying her best, as am I. While difficult, we are both committed to working through it, and to our marriage surviving and thriving.

Tammi,
Great question.
It can't, only be about the clothes. The dressing part is attached to or derrived from a deep emotional need. So, outwardly, we may convey an aura of it being about the clothes, yet, inwardly it is much more complex.

How are we expected to open the can of worms we have been concealing for so long? All those years of suppressing our inner most feelings are supposed to just freely flow through my painted lips? Not an easy thing to do, yet, I've done it. How are we supposed to share with our spouses or significant others our true selves, when we are not sure, who we really are? I thought I've figured out myself and then I go and surprise myself by having new feelings of liberation just this past Saturday night while out enfemme.

Join the crowd moving forward 2 steps and back 1. It's the ebb and flow that Marla GG, once wrote of. Although, I know your situation has its own unique challenges. I wish you, and all of us, the best as the CD tide rises and falls.

[Karen Donna]

My wife does not know of my CD. I shutter to think what would happen if she caught me in a dress or panties and a bra ! She would not be very understanding.I do hide my "Stash" in an unused closet.

[Eugenie]

When I told my wife after five years of marriage, it was all about the clothes.

It was only over the next few years that I came to understand that there's much more to it.

She's been there with me as I struggled to sort things out, and she's convinced that I will transition some day. But I feel no need to do so.

My experience in that domain is fairly similar to yours: I told my wife a few years after we were married. And then it was "all about clothes". Actually even more precisely it was all about women underwear... My wife took it rather well, while she was convinced it was just a sexual fantazy.

But when she "came to understand that there's much more to it" she didn't like the idea anymore.

So the second part of your story differs from mine. My wife tollerates my X-dressing but doesn't support it.

However just these past few days, I have done some house work, remaking the floor of our bedrooms(we sleep in separate bedrooms) and rebuilt a closet to hang my "femme" clothes". She was far more cooperative on this occasion than ever before... She didn't even make snappy remarks about my dresses or skirts...

I consider that I'm rather blessed to be in this situation. I don't have to hide my stuff from her, just be discrete about my X-Dressing so I don't make her feel bad.

Eugenie

[Annaliese]

Tammi you have made some good points on why to come cleen, my wife found out when I came home from a conference with make up still on. We talk for a long time an to this day I wish I had told her many years before.
You have given the girls here some good thing to think about. I understand why many do not come cleen, if my wife had not seen the make up I would still be hiding it from her, but I did not have this site back then either.
Thank you for a great thread.

Anna

[myMichelle]

My wife and I will have been married for seventeen years on Saturday. I told her about my crossdressing--or, more accurately, told her about as much as I could given my understanding of my femme self at the time--after we had known one another for only two weeks. Although it was probably the most difficult thing I had ever done up to that point, I figured that if things went badly, it wouldn't be too difficult for either of us to walk away from a two week relationship. Fortunately, my wife (then girlfriend) was fairly open to the whole having a crossdresser for a boyfriend thing. Of course, she was curious and she had a million questions, but we talked about things openly.

Over the course of the last 17 years together, I know that my lifestyle has definitely added an atypical "twist" to our marriage, but we've always managed to survive. Having said that, there have been many times when my wife has told me that I lied to her all those years ago. She says that I have changed--and I'm sure I have. I think we all do; I wasen't the same person twenty years ago that I am today. Neither was she.

All of this is to say that my wife and I have always somehow managed to work through our difficulties. And I can rest a lot easier knowing that I never lied to her. For me personally, honesty has always been a priority. I understand, however, that we are all different, unique individuals. We all have to do what works best for us individually.

Maybe reading this will give a little bit of inspiration to anyone in need. For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing, Tammi!

[MJ]

hi Tammi
all i can say is you have guts thats all.. my wife of 20 years was not overly happy. well she was mad.. i would be careful what you say. your wife may be getting information for her legal rep ... it's funny if my ex could have put up with my CD-ing we may still be together. but she could not forgive me for keeping it secrete for 20 years . she said she could have forgiven me for being with another woman!!!. but because i sometime become the other woman she could not. i hope you relationship is strong enough to get through this. remember she is in shock right now how she deals with it well thats what you have to worry about..and remember woman tend to talk out there problems so who do you think she is talking too... someone out there knows your little secret too and who is she going to tell.. and so it starts

f y i my ex found out on a Sunday night by Friday night she ask me to leave that night and Sunday at church i found out she told everybody there you should have seen the looks and smiles i was getting i did not find out until after service and i got out of there real fast and never been back so much for friends..so i can totally understand why a lot of you wont tell your SO

[SherriePall]

First -- My wife hasn't seen me. Every so often she says that maybe soon she would like to. But it never happens. And I don't push.
Second -- I think it is more than the clothes. I think the clothes are just a manifestation of some inner feelings. We are different creatures because of it. My wife understands that without the dressing (or the need to), I am not the same. We tried once for a short time (after I told her) to completely hold back on the femme and to accentuate the male. It was not a pretty sight.

[Jasmine Ellis]

I love wearing the clothes, love being Jasmine, but most of all love my wife to bits

[michelle-h]

When My wife first found out, it did not go very well, but we tried to sweep it under the rug and move on. Later when it became obvious that it was not going to go away we got some counciling, and once she had the truth and the whole truth, she was able to accept it. What hurt her the most was the deception. Now she is wonderfully supportive. I think she understands that it is not just about clothes, but that it is a need to be femme sometimes. She has seen me dressed and says I make a very pretty girl. I think sometimes that she is actually a little proud of how good I look. If we didn't have children, I am sure that she would be OK with me dressing more often than I do. She seems to enjoy our girl talk sometimes, and is perfectly open to any suggestions I may have on her makeup and clothing. Overall, I know that I am extremly lucky, and I wish every girl here could have the same support that I do.

Michelle-H

[Janice Ashton]

Go back to your first (original) thread and read my second post, I have a strong feeling I can see a few things coming your way, (maybe) as there seems to be a similar pattern that a lot of SO's follow when presented with this situation. Coming out is a great relief to 'us' SO's think a lot differently than the way we do. I hope it works out for you both.
Louise

[SatinSarah]

Tammi,

a great post and sets out all the dangers - yet at the same time the need to be as honest as possible as quickly as possible in a relationship. we are all different and our wives GGs are all emotionally different too so there is no one size fits all here.

I came out slowly to my wife after we were married. I started telling her I liked the feeling of her soft silky underwear against me - then one night wore one of her teddies (I had bought her) and told her how much fun it was - then slowly came out more nad more over the weeks. We grew with it togther until she was buying me clothes, we would shop together and I could go to bed most nights in a nightie. She even bought me breast forms and a wig. I thought we were sailing along and although I knew she was never 100% happy with her husband in her bra the compensation of having a loving, (very sensitive) husband who sometimes looked a bit strange was ok. Unfortunately I broke the rules by pushing and pushing for more. One weekend she traeted me to a weekend away in a nice hotel and dressed me up for the night. Instead of being grateful I wanted more onthe second night plus a day of girlie shopping. I was selfish and did this and got fully dressed as Sarah. I htink seing me as a Sarah for more than an hour scared her into thinking where will this stop? Will I keep pushing?
She freaked an refused to have anyhting to do with this for the last 2 years. Recently she allowed me a bra in bed and then a couple of times recently a nightie.

I went away for 2 weeks and we realised how much we love each other and she independently said she wanted to get back to where we were 2 years ago.

The lesson? Be as open and honest as you can both take. Set and agree some ground rules at each stage. Accept set backs. Rebuild and be patient. Talk about emotions and fears. Talk about desires. Communicate and compromise. Better a shared bra and pants than sneaking off and trying clothes on your own. The feeling of sharing dressing with my SO is 100% better than sitting alone in any outfit. I know it doesn't work for everybody but where there is some acceptnace keep working at it and don't get selfish. Its a long way back!

Love

Sarah

[Juju GG]

I found out about my husband liking female clothes a few years ago now, I can't remember exactly when. I think he was a little nervous over what I'd say but I just said OK without a second thought, I've always had an open mind.
Years later I still have no problems with it.

My views on it? I feel that cross dressing is a way of expressing yourself, it doesn't do any harm to anyone and thinking about it, us females wear jeans and trousers which is ok, so why not the same for males in tights/skirts/dresses?!!!!
I think that wigs aren't nice, theres nothing like natural hair, I don't wear make up as I like the natural look and so does my husband and I don't wish for my husband to change to the opposite sex.

[sophie69]

My gf knows about my dressing but does not want to be invloved. Real shame and a missed opportunity! I She lets me do it (or i tell her to have a night out with the girls!) and I stay in and have some real fun! She will have to learn to live with it though cos I wont be stopping for her!!! Soph

[tall_brianna]

We're still good friends and even now that we're not married I can't tell her!

I almost did Friday night. She came by to pick up mail and ended up joining me for a bottle of wine and Battlestar Galatica. After my 3rd glass I was so going to do it. I asked, "What if I told you I had a great secret that would be almost impossible for you to keep, but you had to swear to me that you'd keep it even from your family?" She said, "I think you should just keep it then." After a minute or so she started itching, made concessions, tried getting at it with questions.... I told her it was just a hypothetical situation.

I could totally tell her, but her family??? Heck no. We grew up in the same suberb and know a lot of the same people. All it would take is her sister's fat mouth to tell a few people.

I think I need to either just tell everyone or tell noone. I have never told anyone largely because I thought it was just all about the clothes (and the sexual stimulation derived there from ) and didn't see the need to make anyone feel awkward just because I had a fetish. I mean, do I need to know if my friend is into licking the bottom of feet? Do I want to? You guys will argue the SO's right and need to know, but I don't see it happening.

-brie

[sophie69]

brianna, I agree totally. my current gf and my ex wife are the only two who have ever seen me dressed (and now you girls on here! - lol). the problem is people just dont understand, but there is nothing odd about what we do, nothing wierd, its just fun and really sexy. i recon going out for a night out dressed though would be amazing!!!!

[MJ]

I found out about my husband liking female clothes a few years ago now, I can't remember exactly when. I think he was a little nervous over what I'd say but I just said OK without a second thought, I've always had an open mind.
Years later I still have no problems with it.

My views on it? I feel that cross dressing is a way of expressing yourself, it doesn't do any harm to anyone and thinking about it, us females wear jeans and trousers which is ok, so why not the same for males in tights/skirts/dresses?!!!!
I think that wigs aren't nice, theres nothing like natural hair, I don't wear make up as I like the natural look and so does my husband and I don't like or agree with surgery for cross dressers to change to the opposite sex

juju gg
and I don't like or agree with surgery for cross dressers to change to the opposite sex:
oh and please tell me why it better be real good ?. :mad:
f.y.i I get my letter for surgery tomorrow

[tall_brianna]

brianna, I agree totally. my current gf and my ex wife are the only two who have ever seen me dressed (and now you girls on here! - lol). the problem is people just dont understand, but there is nothing odd about what we do, nothing wierd, its just fun and really sexy. i recon going out for a night out dressed though would be amazing!!!!

Yeah I definitely see it now as something more than a fetish. It does fill certain needs and going out dressed up for the first time a few months ago (after the breakup with the ex) was absolutely amazing.

I didn't replie to your other thread, but you should definitely get out Sophie and have a good time.

[sophie69]

Brianna, I will, but I think it will be an organised thing with some CD/TS friends.... I have not acually got any real life ones yet, sob sob other than all you on here.... which is a fantastic start! I know it will be great, but I will need to make sure its right.... Soph