When a life is in your hands....

[battybattybats]

What to do?

My girlfriend (as some would know from my introduction post) suffers from some sort of depression by her own admission but she won't go to a doctor or any such. Well things have been getting progressively worse between us and my confession more than 18months ago that the desire to dress had occassionaly been returning (I made sure she knew I'd done it in the past from very early on) is one of the big issues. Today she says that if I were to ever do it again the relationship would end, if the relationship were to end she will kill herself.

Now I've been on a psychotherapy waiting list for some time, mostly to see them about anxiety/panic attacks I've been having but intending to also see them about a whole range of issues and today I found out I'll only have 1 to 2 weeks more to wait.

There is no way to reason with her, nothing I say makes any difference to her. To make matters worse as I am disabled (Myalgic Encephalomyalitus aka Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) I am substantially reliant on her. I tried suggesting to her she spend some time with friends/family till we can better deal with some of the issues we have and she says that if she were to leave she probably wouldn't come back and if that happened... she'd kill herself.

Even if I thought I could give up dressing and somehow get rid of the desire to dress I'm certain something else would come up as there were other problems before any of the current ones came up, it seems cyclical.

I have called her best friend and hopefully she and my girlfriends sister can do something because I can't think of anything else.

[Joy Carter]

She's obviously in control mode by you description here. I have dealt with people in a limited basis with those kinds of problems you can't figure them out even the pros are wrong many times. It's long road and they often dig holes for themselves that they can't get out of. All I can say I wish you the best and I hope your therapy goes well you deserve a life without such problems.

[Tracy_Victoria]

Today she says that if I were to ever do it again the relationship would end, if the relationship were to end she will kill herself.

.

You can't hold yourself responcible for others actions, however you can be a friend in her times of need. From what I have read here, this is boardering on emotional blackmail, but it also seems a very strong case of Depression, and she needs medical help for that! (you can't just leave this, it will not go away!)

Sadly you can't have your life dictated to what you do, and don't do by others, but you can make agreements not to do things to help others, Ie my partner does not understand my dressing need ie why I do it, but she understands I need to do this so she gives me space to do so, when I need to. it return I don't shave my chest as I do look like have a fem torso when I do, due to a few (okay lots of extra pounds) but these are things we do for each other to make both our lifes here work more easy.

You need help here, and leaving this will only increase the pressure on the both of you more, certainly if this is no idol threat, and from the way you write, it doesn't seem the case. See your own doctor, make him aware of your GF claims (your doctor will be well aware of TV, and will treat you in a professional manner without an ridicul, he will also be able to tell you where to go for help, I would presume things like the Mind Website would be a source of help also, but most of all, don't leave this!

for the sake of you own mind, you can't restrict needs you have to comfort others, no matter what there claims, in the end your'll only screw up yourself, and her as well due to the pressure and resentment that will surely follow!

good luck!

[Jamie M]

You can't hold yourself responcible for others actions, however you can be a friend in her times of need. From what I have read here, this is boardering on emotional blackmail, but it also seems a very strong case of Depression, and she needs medical help for that! (you can't just leave this, it will not go away!)

What more needs be said ? Tracy hit the nail right on the head with this one for me. Obviously there ust have been some sort of love or at the very least attraction when you started your relationship but from what you're saying here , i'm wondering if there is anything left ? You're GF seems to know she's got you right where she wants you , knowing that you're dependant on her help , knowing something secret about you and now threatening to harm herself aswell.

I would predict that the longer this state of affairs continues , the more unhappy you will be until it gets to a point of being unbearable and who knows what the outcome may be then. Please , please don't let it get that far , do something now . I'm not saying get rid of her of anything drastic like that but please do go to your own GP and explain what's happening and how desperate it's making you feel. Failing that , even try talking to your family/friends about it , but what ever you do you need support in this and to my mind you cannot continue with this state of affairs.

Really batty , i wish you all the very best and i pray for your health and wellbeing , just remember that if you've got no-one else we're all here for you and that you're not alone.

[Jean GG]

Now I've been on a psychotherapy waiting list for some time, mostly to see them about anxiety/panic attacks I've been having but intending to also see them about a whole range of issues

I am disabled (Myalgic Encephalomyalitus aka Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) I am substantially reliant on her.

I am a little confused...who is the depressed one??? If you suffer from CFS and anxiety/panic attacks...and she has admitted to being depressed...than I would suggest that you both do. It is good that you will be getting help in a few weeks as that might eventually help you enough to then help her...and she can continue helping you.

But, how is she helping you...if she emotionally blackmails you??? Do you currently feel a little stronger than her? If so, are you able to reassure her? Is she threatned by your cd for other reasons other than your dressing???

My impression is that there is a lot more going on here and the situation is serious enough. But it's difficult to give a little help without knowing what is really happening. I am not curious, just trying to tell you to do the soul searching necessary so that your heart can lead you in the right direction. I sincerely wish you both well...jean

[Kate Simmons]

The fact that you are disabled clearly puts her in control of the situation and subsequently in control of you. If you know her well enough, you will know for certain if her depression is genuine or not. Either way, dressing notwithstanding, I see two choices. #1. Stay with her and give up your femme self. What is more improtant, your femme self or your survival? #2. Tell her you will not give up being yourself and call her "bluff" that she will end her own life. They are tough choices and I don't envy your decision but leaving things the way they are is definately not helping either one of you. Whatever you do, you have to have courage to see things to the end. Ericka

[Kimberly]

I hope things resolve for you. I can't really offer any advice on this matter... having never de-valued my own life, or had problems with a partner as you describe. My thoughts and hopes go out to you though. xx

[battybattybats]

Thanks everyone.
Small but positive good news, the waiting list got drastically shortened and I have my first appointment tomorrow.

I am a little confused...who is the depressed one??? If you suffer from CFS and anxiety/panic attacks...and she has admitted to being depressed...than I would suggest that you both do. It is good that you will be getting help in a few weeks as that might eventually help you enough to then help her...and she can continue helping you.

Oh no, as far as I know I don't (currently) suffer from depression, I've had medically diagnosed CFS for over half my life and I've been upbeat, optimistic and well balanced the vast majority of that time, my symptoms are physical in origin (at one point my body started to dissolve my own bone and muscle tissue as it would if I'd been starving!) and I've had lots of expensive medical tests that diagnosed this. The anxiety/panic attacks could be entirely biological in origin or maybe not. The help I'm after is to help me cope with possible psychological consequences of suffering a deteriorating biological illness, to help me manage the cognitive difficulties (or to use a quaint medical term 'brain fog') and I though it'd help me learn how to deal with my dressing and girlfriends problems.

But, how is she helping you...if she emotionally blackmails you???

Well, she does almost all the housework, manages bills, cooks, drives etc that is very difficult to do on my own.

Do you currently feel a little stronger than her? If so, are you able to reassure her?

She won't accept my reassurance or anything I say anymore for that matter.

Is she threatned by your cd for other reasons other than your dressing???

It's possible I suppose, an ex-boyfriend of hers eventually turned out gay but she is still friends with him. She has no problem with gay people, nor transexuals... but a straight crossdresser must be 'sick in the head' 'have something wrong with them' and is 'disgusting and unnatural' according to what she said yesterday.

At least I'll be able to talk to someone qualified tomorrow and maybe her friend and sister can help her.

Bats

[cute_cd_paige]

your in a tough spot hun perhaps some reassurence that shes not going to lose u to a man if u do it and that u love her just the same while in femme will help . My wife went through some depression and worry when i first told her i guess its the fact that we all love to be as feminine as possible and to alot of cds it also means being with men mabye thats one of her big problems with it im not sure but it cant hurt to reassure her that u love her and dont want anyone else if thats the case

[battybattybats]

Unfortunately no ammount of that reassurance will convince her, I have certainly tried.

[rosiegurl]

You also need to start gaining your own independence from her. You can not help yourself or her if you are trapped in a situation where you are dependent on her for every need. This is one of the things you should talk over with your therapist tomorrow. Are you on disability? What resources do you have? Even if the resources are not the best or wanted under normal circumstances.

In the mean time. I would ask you a couple of simple questions..

Did she know of your need to Cd before moving in together?

How long have you been in the relationship?

Has she ever been supportive of it?

She has a right also to choose what kind of realtionship she wants and some women can not get over this need of their SO in their life needing to dress as a Woman. And that is ok. I know before rosie I just never even thought about it. But it just never has been a big deal about his need to dress.

Life is too short and has too many issues for me to be concerned with the small stuff. I stress about too much as it is.

I wish you well in your jouney in life and peace especially.

Mistress Thorny

[typical_guy]

It sounds like a very codependant relationship. You should just tell her that you dress up and that's just part of who you are and that won't change. If she says she's going to kill herself, call 9-11 and tell them that your girlfriend told you that she's going to kill herself then she'll be placed in a hospital and will be forced to get the help she needs. I recognize that this sounds harsh but it really does sound as though she needs help. Why is she so against you crossdressing? I mean, if she knew from the start and didn't like it she should have stopped dating then. Isn't that the whole point of you telling her from the begining?

[GG Vanya]

I have one word to say about this: MANIPULATION

[Marla GG]

I think that you are doing the right thing by turning to her best friend and sister for additional support. Someone needs to convince your girlfriend to see a therapist or at least a medical doctor.

Depression makes it nearly impossible to think clearly or focus on anything other than the pain you are in. Right now it doesn't sound like she is in a place where she can even begin to deal with the CD issue. If she gets some help with her other problems, she might be in a better to position to appreciate how important it is to you.

This is a really sad situation, and I hope that your upcoming counseling appointment will help you to build up the inner resources you will need in order to change things. I hope things improve for you.

Love, Marla xx

[Carroll]

this is a hard subject to deal with, and something I personally know about. What I am about to say will not be easy in anyway, and may result in her leaving you or loving you even more. Like I said, I have been where you are at. Based on what you said:

My girlfriend (as some would know from my introduction post) suffers from some sort of depression by her own admission but she won't go to a doctor or any such. Well things have been getting progressively worse between us and my confession more than 18 months ago that the desire to dress had occasionally been returning (I made sure she knew I'd done it in the past from very early on) is one of the big issues. Today she says that if I were to ever do it again the relationship would end, if the relationship were to end she will kill herself.

you should call an ambulance for a involuntary evaluation. Tell them exactly what she has said and her actions. In cases like this the police most likely will come for the safety of everybody involved. Make the call out of earshot. Ask for a silent approach fearing she will run or hurt herself. When they get a hold of her, all hell might break lose. She will fight anybody that nears her, and the police might take actions that you might not like to control her. She will call you names that you may have never heard before. Make a note that she will most likey tell everybody that you CD. This will be very hard for you but you must remain calm and tell her repeatedly how much you love her. She will be placed in a Behavioral services ward at the hospital for a mandatory 72 hour stay. During that time do visit her, telling how bad it hurt to see what happened, but you did it to help her and because you love her. She might be there long depending on her evaluation. Though my wife never mention my crossdressing, I have had to deal with this same issues twice with my wife. It is NOT easy and really wish you the best sweetie.

Carroll

[Pamela girl]

I have been told I have a heart made of ice, but life is to short to live trying to do whatever it takes to make everybody else happy with the way you are living your life. Life is to short to spend with someone who emotionally blackmails you.
I have been in a similar situation (not involving cding) and informed more than on gf, we are through I wont be treated like this. One I had been with for 4 years. When she started apologizing and trying to reconcile I told her to find someone who cared to listen to it. The last gf who tried emotional blackmail with me is no longer around either, and neither will the next one who tries it.
You can't make someone like this change you can only prolong the inevitable. I know one person who had his gf threaten to kill herself and he told her I will be right there, he picked up another freind and took with him, showed up made him a drink sat down and told her "Ok we are here go ahead"
As I said mabey I'm just blunt but I wont put up with this shit!

[typical_guy]

Wow,I don't think that's "cold blooded", I think it's knowing what you want and not settling for less. I can totally respect that. I had such a messed up relationship the last four years and I'll never do it again. I've learned a lot in the last four years that's for sure. I think part of accepting who I am and my crossdressing factors in also. The thing is, the more I can accept who I am, the more I realize what I want and the less I'm willing to "settle for less". If I date a woman (or man although I'm definately by far more attracted to women - but it would go for either) and they did not accept my crossdressing then we would not be dating for long. It's part of who I am. If they want me to change that then they might as well ask me to change my eye color because I can't change that through force of will either. I'm a lot like you now, I know what I want and I'm not going to settle for less. Unlike you though, I doubt I've accepted myself as much as I'd like. I'm still working on that and trying to figure out who I am exactly.

[Marla S]

A lot of good advises so far.
Just one thing: If she has deep depressions, and it sounds like this, she needs professional help (there is no way out (maybe both of you)). You can reassure her as you want, you can leave or do this and that, you can even jump in circles ... it won't help. Best would probably be a combination of a therapy and medication (to make her open for the therapy). Don't use antidepressants without consulting a therapist.

[battybattybats]

Thanks everyone!
I am thinking very carefully about all the options and all your advice is welcome and well worth pondering. The first meeting with the therapist went very well and I got every one of my big issues out on the table. Hopefully they will be able to help me make the best decision on how to go about it over the coming weeks.

[Calliope]

you should call an ambulance for a involuntary evaluation.

Speaking as a former mental health counselor (over 10 years), I would say Carroll has got the bullseye here. Crossdressing can wait, survival comes first - and that means you need to extricate yourself from your partner. Now is the time to be heartless - your life is at stake. Appeasing her by going into the closet won't buy you much time; she is addicted to controlling you, babe, and she'll always find a new angle. I can relate to much you speak of, I do not drive and am - completely - financially dependent upon my SO (itself a prime archetype of the fem experience, better and worse) but now you need to pick up some living skills, and fast. Ask your professional to help you formulate a plan for independence. After that, you can dress 24/7 and have a blast. Best of luck to you.

[Gurly]

Hmm, interesting situation. It certainly does sound like your girlfriend suffers from depression (I as well suffer from it). However, it is very selfish of her to lay the mortality of the relationship (not to mention her LIFE!) at your feet. She obviously needs help but if she chooses to do nothing about her situation then you cannot let yourself be dragged down by her. Life is too short. As cold as this sounds, you need to get out of the relationship. You should never deny who you are or what you want just to appease others. If you had children then it would certainly be a different story. Support for people who suffer from depression is out there and you shouldn't have to stop dressing to save her. That doesn't mean your cannot help her because you can. Bottom line is get her to a support group or someone she can talk to.

[~Kitty GG~]

see two choices. #1. Stay with her and give up your femme self. What is more improtant, your femme self or your survival? #2. Tell her you will not give up being yourself and call her "bluff" that she will end her own life.

I see one more option. #3. That she must get help for her depression to even consider continuing the relationship. She has given you her ultimatums and it is ok for each of us to have limits. That means that you are entitled to your own limits.. and her continuing to ignore an obviously life threatening case of depression is just not acceptable.

If she's getting help then there's a chance that you can find a workable solution to the other issues. Without help, even if you never dress again.. she's still unwell. Any other issue could be enough for the threats of suicide to pop up.. afterall.. its working well this time.

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~

[tekla west]

These problems are like cancer or a heart attack, they need to be looked at and helped by professionals. Here in Cali we have what is called 51/50, which is when you get locked up for an evaluation because its been deemed that you are a threat to yourself or others. I'm sure most places have similar statues.

Don't mess with this on some posting board. Find professional help. Please.

[GG Vanya]

I'd also like to say your thread title is totally incorrect...

her life is not in YOUR hands. Her life is in HER hands. Don't let her put this on you. The problem is hers, she owns it.

Whatever happens, and even if she does choose to end her life, it will have been her decision. As long as you allow her to put the onus on you, she will control you body and soul. She is making you her puppet and you will dance to her string pulling until you decide to cut them.

I don't intend to be harsh here, but I've walked in your shoes, in a previous relationship, right down to the threats of suicide. I cut the strings, never looked back, except to see that he's still breathing today, years later!

If one earned frequent flyer miles doing guilt trips then I could circle the globe. No more!

[battybattybats]

Hi all,
I've finally had a chance to get online and let you know what's what.
With some sound advice from my therapist and being willing to draw a line and make some hard sacrifices I've managed to get my girlfriend to a doctor who has started her on antidepressants and to a counsellor.

Whther or not many fundamental issues can be resolved is another matter but at least there is some change and good change at that. I still have to be very careful at the moment so as not to risk disrupting things till they've had a chance to work but all in all things are better.