Told a downright lie

[~Kitty GG~]

I agree totally with Tammy Marie and would like to just add one point:

If a marriage only has the one issue.. just the CDing. I don't think there are very women who would even consider divorce.

If I were a CD.. I'd fix those other things. And come out of the closet and be the real me to my wife. It truly is amazing to me that we allow so many really bad relationship problems out in the light of day and yet keep this so secret.

Its really an upside down world sometimes.

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~

[Tamara Croft]

You should ask yourself why she would ask you if you are wearing womens clothes in the first place. I suspect she already knows and lying to her isn't going to help. Maybe it's the time to tell her, she already thinks your weird, don't make this any harder for yourself. If she finds out later on down the line, shes gonna be super pissed you lied to her instead of telling her the truth. We teach our children to be truthful, this shouldnt change when you get older should it?

[Kimberley]

... I have quite alot to lose if things go badly wrong; not just my wife but my son also and then a whole lot of my life also.
Fiona

********************
Fiona,
This is the same sort of dilemma I faced. I decided to go back into the closet because of my needs for family first. I have paid a dear price for it but it was the right decision for me.

I wish you all the best in your search for answers.

Kimberley.

[sharifemme]

Fiona...

Been there! Lied for 30 years, dropped the bomb, received trial acceptance which diminished to tentative tolerance due to my attitudes and insecurities. Still it is better that she knows and I wish I had told her before I married her. She deserved the chance to make her own decisions before we got totally involved with each other.

Anyway, whatever happens, you've got friends here.

Sharifemme











I lied and said "not that I am aware of"

What makes it worse is that I'm actually sat here in a lacey top, white skirt, and high-heel shoes so I was doubly-lying

In my defence coming-out over the phone is not the right things to do obviously, and certainly not with such a distance.

On the other hand I think she now suspects that I'm not being entirely truthful which is generally not a good thing but could also be disasterous when I return from this trip with a suitcase full of my girlie stuff.

For one fleeting moment though, I did think that, if she could keep the same tone of voice if I ever actually tell her that I CD then maybe everything will be okay.

I now feel bad, confused, worried, and all those other things that you feel at a time like this.

Fiona[/quote]

[Bonnie D]

Fiona,

I agree that honesty is the best policy, however, it is not a simple matter. The longer the lie has been occurring the worse it is. As many have said, and I whole-heartedly agree, tell her everything before you are committed to each other in marriage or a serious relationship. The times are slowly changing compared to twenty-some years ago when I got married, being gay or a “transvestite” was not something easily divulged or understood, by oneself even. The internet has opened up the world and we are better informed now. But how do you tell your wife? It’s not easy that’s for sure. Your wife has given you an opening, her asking if you were wearing women’s clothes has indicated that the question has entered her mind. You could ask her why she asked that and this could open the lines for communicating.

You also said that your relationship seemed to be going downhill and it’s not about crossdressing. I think it could very well be that. If you told her about your crossdressing or she found out on her own and she didn’t want anything more to do with you, wouldn’t it be better for you if your heart wasn’t completely in her hands. So out of a certain amount of self-preservation you withdraw some of your feelings for her and sabotage the relationship to some degree.

Risk, there’s a lot to lose if she’s not accepting to any degree. Children being number one. Finances has to be taken into account also. Can you afford to live on your own without affecting your wife’s and son’s standard of living or will they be forced to move to? I wouldn’t want that but you can’t live on the street either. Your son is still young so you would miss a lot while he was growing up.

Risk, there’s a lot to gain if she is accepting. Your relationship could very well improve and you could stop having to lie and hide and constantly worrying that your secret will be discovered. The longer you wait to tell her the harder it will be.

I hope all goes well.

Bonnie

[MsJanessa]

While I agree that telling the truth is the right thing to do, I also agree that it is not always the easy thing to do. So before I join the bandwagon about how "awful" it is to lie to your spouse, I'm going to remind all the truth tellers out there that the consequences of telling her the truth can be equally as bad---like divorce court, alimony payments, child custody fights with the wife accusing a person of sexual perversion, public exposure by a spouse who wants to get "even" , etc.---It's really not very pretty and no matter what many of the GGs who post in this site and who are married to TGs out there may say about accepting it, many women are horrified about it and would react in a very negative way, trying to damage the TG as much as they could. We like to think that with patience and kindness, we will all be accepted by our SO---more often than not it doesn't work out that way---the best may be to tell them up front when the relationship is new, but I bet for many of us, the XDing doesn't even raise its lovely head until way after that time---something we may have done in the past but in the blush of a new relationship we have put it away---only to have it come to the fore later. So My advice is to cut Fiona some slack and give her some constructive advice on what to do now instead of castigating her for something that she cant change now---as far as shaving your armpits and legs, if your wife simply can't handle that then let them grow out again---you can always wear outfits that cover them up. If the urge to crossdress becomes so strong that not shaving is unacceptable than you may have to make a choice of whether you want to tell her and face the consequences(whatever they may be) or leave her---I can't tell what your situation is with her, whether you have children at home etc, but it sounds like your relationship is rocky even without the crossdressing, and you might want to consider the option of divorce. Getting some personal counselling would be helpful to you in this regard. Whatever path you chose, I wish you good luck

[fionasboots]

First of all, thank you all again for the words of advice, comfort, reprimand, etc. It's worth hearing *all* points of view as they are equally helpful (though I wish you could all come to a consensus, geez, do I have to make decisions for myself )

I'm flying back home today (arrive early tomorrow morning) so I'll see how things go. My wife has made the odd crack about me shaving myself but nothing unkind or nasty, she just seems to be making light of it.

There will be a few big tests to how tolerant she is; obviously when she actually see what I look like hairless, but before that we've actually got a BBQ to go to and I'm likely going to be wearing shorts (long ones) so other people may see my hairless legs as well!

Their reaction could be 'fun' (hopefully the jet-lag and effects of hastily consumed alcohol will make this easier for me) but my wifes attitude to this could be telling. I think she'll probably want me to cover up (because she is embarrased), or maybe she'll just say something like "well, it's your problem, deal with it" - the second response is better I guess.

Anyway, I hope she can at least tolerate the shaved-look and then maybe I can move (slowly) on from there.

On a more positive note, I hope that I can manage to arrange a long weekend away for both of us (wedding anniversary soon) which might help fix (well start to fix) some of the other problems we have. I think, as some people have pointed out here, that sorting out our other problems and me not trying to distance myself may be a good start.

Wish me luck!

Fiona

P.S. Have (obviously) bought a few presents while out here and these included, at my wife's request, some 'nice' underwear. There's two funny things about doing this, first it was more embarrassing then when I buy things for myself and second ... I've been looking covetously at it, it really does look nice

[SherriePall]

Fiona -- Good luck. I won't add to the advice of the others. Just take the high road -- love and respect her.

[Julie Avery]

I think you're between a rock and a hard place here, and expect you already knew that.

Lying makes you feel guilty, and this could go on for many years.

Telling the truth, if it leads to separation or divorce, may lead you to feel guilty, and possibly for many years, depending on how things play out.

Feelings of guilt about something harmless that you can't change, in my experience, cripple personalities more than anything I can think of except feelings of guilt about behaviors which are actually damaging other people and should be modified, but aren't.

So what's my advice?

Try to make the best choice you can between the alternatives. Bring all the information you have and I don't about your individual situation to bear in that process, and make your choice in good faith. Then refuse to feel guilty about it.

Easier said than done, I know.

[suzanne claire]

Lying will only compound the problem.You will be relieved and your spouse will be happy if you will merely tell her that you are a crossdresser.I do wish you the best outcome in the resolution of this problem.

[fionasboots]

... but I didn't tell her

I have to admit that the thought of confiding all was quite an attractive one and did make me feel really good. However, a suitable opportunity didn't seem to present itself so I chickened-out.

I didn't get too much grief for the shaved legs/under-arms but my wife did say she didn't really like my legs like that. Which is understandable as they were a bit stubbly by the time I got back.

I had a *really* easy time getting all the femme clothes hidden in the loft as my wife has to go out for an hour or so (I was really worried she may want to search the luggage!)

At the moment my wife is rather stressed and agitated (last few days of work and all the hassle of looking after our son) so she doesn't seem too understanding at the moment.

I'm going to try and see if I can persuade her that I continue to shave legs/under-arms. Too be honest it is WAY more comfortable in the heat-wave we're having at the moment! Also I do want to start cycling a bit more to lose weight and that seems a good excuse to be hairless in the leg department.

Before anyway says it: yes, I know I'm just avoiding the issue at the moment. I don't feel *that* good about this and need to work out a good time to spill-the-beans ... I realise that it is more and more likely that I'm going to have to do this as I don't think the desire to cross-dress is going away.

Thanks again for the advice/support, I'll keep you all up-to-date with what is happening and you'll all likely be the first to know (after my wife) when I finally come clean (assuming I don't get the computer thrown at me).

Fiona

[Jessica Brekke]

You do what you have to, Fiona. In the end, none of us know your exact situation as well as you do. You have to go with your gut.

If you ever do decide to tell her, however, please, please, please take my advice and be informed, prepared and most of all, patient. And keep us all informed. It's possible that one or two of us might even have opinions on what the best way to tell her is.

Best of luck with this. It's not an easy decision no matter which way you go.

[nishababe]

Hi Fiona,

thanks for your recent message,I have not been around for a while due to my computer crashing about 10 days ago and I have not had a chance till today to get it going .

Well i looked at your photo's and you looked so good in them ,very convincing I think in fact you look just as good as a lot of women I know and could pass in the high street without too much of a problem !! You also look very happy and contented,so it is obvious to me that your female side cannot be just popped into a box and locked away forever ,anyway more about that in a minute .
I must say that I think you are worrying too much about shaving your legs and under your arms as nowadays a lot of young women and men seem to think that it is fashionable to be fullyshaved all over and there has been a lot of recent publicity about young women and men having the ''Brazillian'' including Chelsea and England footballer ''Frank Lampard'' . So you are not the only person doing it and where I work many of the young men shave their legs and armpits and nobody even mentions it ,they all say they like the feel and most of them do a lot of sport and keep fit and they say it is a cleaner and healthier feeling .It is no big deal nowadays
Many years ago you never saw men with earings but nowadays a lot of young men do it and it is accepted so shaving legs etc will perhaps be a normal thing for young men to do ,in short dont worry about it .Just say that lots of men including lots of footballers and sportsmen do it nowadays , you feel better like this so whats the problem .

When your wife makes comments and digs at you about wearing womens clothes perhaps you should try to make a light joke about it and say that perhaps you could try it as you think you could make a good woman .
A lot of close girlfriends I know have asked me if they could make me up as a woman and and have had great fun and enjoyed doing it without me even mentioning the subject .Then when they have gone that far they have got curious as to how I would look in womens clothes and it has turned them on to put me in their underwear and dresses etc .Perhaps I am just lucky knowing lots of easygoing women !!
Hope you get over your recent problems and have luck in coming to some type of solution for your c/d dilemas .

Love Nishababe