Reality check

[Jill]

I agree with everything that you said and I think that you make some excellent points. Personally, I have never even considered living full time as a woman. I couldn't do it, I couldn't pass, and I'm sure I wouldn't like it. There are a lot of things I love about being a man, and to me, that's the idea behind dressing, being a guy in girls clothes.

I agree though that anyone that wants to get SRS should spend at least a couple of months living as a full time woman. That's a big decision. I also agree that a lot of people that want to live 24/7 as a woman don't know for sure what it's all about. Good thread.

[Trissia]

...dressing as a girl is not a main desire for me...i know so much that i have a girl's brain managing my body and behaviour,that i do not need to add a special appearance...i really feel like a woman every minute...i could even say that i am careful to act as a guy most of the time, to avoid comments ...am i special?...

[Stephenie S]

Dear Mitzi,

I think you need to remember that we are all different.

When you say, "I'd always thought the vast majority of crossdressers were like me, satisfied with our male lives, but compelled to CD for reasons we don't understand, as a part of our sexuality.", you are leaving me out.

My CD is not a part of my "sexuality" but more how I want to present to the world.

Also, there was not a TG who "had a chance to live full time as a woman for a couple of months or so before the surgery". Living full time as woman for a year is a minimum requirement of ANY reputable SRS. She was participating in the Standards of Care for just that reason, so she could decide if it was what she really wanted.

Forgoing the "the minis, the high heels, sexy outfits" is not an issue for me because I have absolutely no desire to dress in that manner. I am an adult and I want to apear as an adult to the world. At my age (don't ask, dear),if I were to go out dressed as a teenager I would look absolutely rediculous.

I guess I just feel unfairly judged when you want to know why I am not more like you. I would love to be able to live as a woman 24/7. I am certain that I would not "tire" of being able to present to the world as I know I am inside. However, I, like many of us here, have other aspects in my life which make this difficult at this time.

Saying that I am just "fantasizing" seems a bit judgmental to me.

So, as I climb down from my pink soapbox .......

Lovies,
Stephenie

[tekla west]

There is a one year "life trial" or "Full Time Living requirement or period in the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care. But all docs do not follow the HBSC. Its a guide, albeit one that is widely used - but its only a guide, not a requirement. Inside the TG world there has been a lot of discussions about the HBSC and its not universally accepted as the only valid way.

I'm not even sure what I am anymore. The door was thrown open some five years ago and all the things in my life have changed so much that I'm not even sure anymore. I would say I do 24/7 but you would be hard pressed to tell. When I'm at work I dress in black (traditional), I wear women's pants/jeans, lingeree, shoes and sox (I get ever so much wonderful grief over my pink shoes and sox) - but stagehands dress as stagehands, not as boys and girls, and you would be hard pressed to pick us out just by our clothes. And my coworkers know about the CD deal, I've even recruited a few of them to work past Cotillions and some of my parties. But they also know the pink has just as much to do with rockNroll Elvis as it does with CD.

The rest of the time I'm mostly SF Fem, or what passes for it. Lots of Fleece, Columbia Sports Jackets, canvas flats & tennis shoes, yummy thick sweaters and long (ankle length) skirts or leggings. - OR - a little black dress, whichever is more appropriate.

Around the house its robes (I love robes, I got a bunch ranging from full cowl floor length robes that make me look like a Trappist to a little pink Japanese silk gown that is a bit less clerical.)and gowns, or during the summer when I'm out in the country, little sundresses for the deck.

I always dress very fey, very light, and very soft.

But I'm not going to transition. No need of drugs, or surgery, or doctors. Nor do I make any excuse for not transitioning, and not taking that "involved vs. committed" deal that I see so much on the net, but very little in real life. When people ask if I intend to transition, I look them in the eye and say "No, I indeed to evolve." (And I intend to drag everyone I can, kicking and screaming if need be, along with me.)

The change in the gender variance community has been huge over the last five years. Breathtaking really. You don't need to transition if you don't want to, if you do, there are lots of services out there for you to use.

Certainly ladies, we can all agree that this aspect of our live has been in as much constant change as the other aspects. It comes, its goes. Stronger, more public, inner, more private - whatever, its MOVING, changing, evolving and all that. So where anyone is on their journey at that time is just that: "Where they are at that time." Since no (wo)man knows the time nor the hour - which is just Jesus' fancy way of saying "You don't know the future Fool!" you don't know where its going, where its leading.

I would hope that you have other such forces in your life too. Dressing has been one force in my life, one that that other things have brought both good and bad things into my life.

I could never have imagined I'd be where I am now. Perhaps had I known I would have ended it all many years ago. Perhaps had I known I would have held on tighter at certain times. Perhaps, had I known I would have still blustered through, "rumblin', stumblin' bumblin'" as it turned out anyway.

I never thought I would get my Ph.D. No one who goes to grad school does, we all feel highly inadequate. I never thought that after 30 some years kicking around second-rate shows and third-rate nightclubs, with 4th rate bands that I would get a chance to be a stagehand at the preeminent rock and roll hall in the world with Dream Theatre, Joe Cocker, The Dead, Dylan, Emmylou Harris, Willie Nelson and Metallica (to name drop a few).

I will all but guarantee you that I never thought I would be part of a major civil rights struggle, much less put my real name to it, show up in person and all - in nice girls clothes - and give public testimony. Nor did I ever thought as part of this work that I would wind up descending deep into the sex industry (in a dress) to try to help people find a way out. That is not what good catholic boys do - however it is what Jesus would have done, I'm sure about that.

I never dreamed I would have Trannyshack, Bondage A Go-Go and the Slick events to be able to go out and be out in the extreme. I was so stuck in front of my little mirror that I saw little beyond it. When the mirror was taken away (D-I-V-O-R-C-E) I found I had to look elsewhere, and oddly enough, I found somewhere else.

Who know where it will all lead? Bilbo told us that "The road leads ever on." So it goes.

[Melanie R]

I am having a reality check recently. Over the next months and possibly years my life will be changed forever as well as my wife. Since Peggy, my wife, and I agreed to be featured in a documentary on crossdressing which will air in September everyone will know about Melanie also about Peggy's acceptance of Melanie. We completed this past Wednesday over 40 hours of filming. Now comes the editing and the final product that will no doubt end up being 30 minutes of film. 20 years ago I would never have thought of the reality of Melanie being filmed pushing the vacume cleaner or Melanie being on her feel in high heels for four hours with take after take and my feet pleading for all this to end. When this documentary airs on national television we know we will be rejected by family members, some friends, neighbors, etc. There could even be threats on our lives by some "religious zealots". We do know that from what we have seen so far this will be a quality, professional prersentation on the facts on crossdressing and the total transgender community. This producer commented today that as she watched the edited filming she cried and hoped that acceptance from society of the transgendered population would be furthered by this documentary. Those high definition cameras make me look so fat! As the camera man said the camera adds 50 pounds to everyone.

Hugs,

Melanie

[LaceyDee]

I also love the advantages of both worlds.

[julie w]

I think we have to face reality ,even if we have all the srs hormones face
surgery we are still tg very few would be able to work with and join womens
fitness clubs with out them knowing you used to be a man ,so why go through
all that cost and pain ? just live as a women as best you can , alot of
post srs tg s still hang out with other tg s. not real women ,If I could pass 100% all the time
I would live as a women

[CarmenG]

i love the feel, the anticipation, the looks, the cat calls, the feel i get when others see me and think i am a woman. i can live with that, but to do it full time? i believe i would lose that excitement the inner gulps i feel when i go out and change in the car or in the hotel room and then people i don't even know (men) notice.... if they only knew lol.i think i am doing just fine at the moment, but would to try it for a week......

[Siobhan Marie]

I'll be honest and say that I am happy as I am as I get the best of both worlds and have no desire to transition. If I could pass I'd love to live as a lady 24/7.

Anna x

[Mitzi]

Thank you all for your input.

I found very sobering, CharlaineCadence's desription of what day to day living as a woman was like for someone who'd lived as a male all those years.

To SSMITH, I apologize if you were offended. I certainly didn't mean to imply that all TG persons are, or should be, like me. I've known enough pre and post op girls and all "flavors" in between to know that ours is a diverse community. Nonetheless, I still believe most crossdressers are not "true" transexuals.

If a girl is truly committed and willing to accept whatever consequences come with living full time as a woman, go for it. But my sense is that a large number of the girls who say they want to live 24/7 forever, are simply fantasizing.

I'm a bit surprised more GG's hadn't responded, not as a spouse of a TG, but with insight into living day to day.

Mitzi

[Stephenie S]

Dear Mitzi,

Maybe I was a bit cranky last night when I wrote my answer to you.
As I thought about it later, I realized I possibly misinterpreted your point. I wasn't offended, so please accept my apology for running off like that. It was a good thread and we all got to thinking, which is always a good thing.
We are all different and we all do get along.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Mitzi, I think one factor is that there are a lot of folks who aren't able to dress as much as they want, so I think there's a bit of pent-up desire speaking (as well as a bit fantasy about what being a woman full-time is like). Doing your make-up every morning gets old, you discover that pants are often more practical, etc.

While being single has sucked in other ways, one advantage to living alone -- and consequently being able to dress pretty much when I want to -- is that it's helped me find my CDing equalibrium. The fact that I don't dress constantly tells me something.

BTW, I agree with Niya, there's definitely people who look at transitioning as a magic bullet -- only to discover they've still got all other problems that they ignored. A point "Transamerica" made nicely.

[Raychel]

I think that living full time although a fantasy, should remain just a fantasy. I would bet that some of the excitement of dressing would wear off as time passed. Not to mention that my wife and kids would no doubt have a very hard time dealing with it. For now a few hours at a time is just what I need. Maybe later when the kids have moved on I can get more time to be the true me. That is a guy who likes to play dressup.

[TGMarla]

Being a woman is probably only about 5% fluff and frills, the stuff we love as CDs. When I give myself some girl time, I want high heels, pantyhose, dresses, makeup.....you know, the works. And many of us lament that we as men are not allowed to indulge in this stuff, and think, "Gee, I wish I was a woman, so I could wear dresses all the time!" It's just not the way things really are. It's the old "be careful what you wish for" syndrome. I imagine I'd have enjoyed living my life as a woman. But it didn't happen, and I'm okay with that, too. As a CD, I get to have my girl time, and then get on with my life.

[~Kitty GG~]

I'm a bit surprised more GG's hadn't responded, not as a spouse of a TG, but with insight into living day to day.

Mitzi

Well I AM a spouse of a TG.. but I'm also a GG.. I dunno what insight into living day to day you're looking for. Its just normal for me. I love being female. I love every aspect of it from dressing up to be a bride or prom.. all the way to going through labor. I of course don't like the pain of periods or labor.. but its part of the big picture. I'd be a hypocrite if I whined about the more difficult parts of being female but wanted to keep all the good stuff.

So I'll keep it all. And my wish for everyone in the forum is that they find and live the life that suits them. Happy is sooooooooooo much nicer then unhappy.

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~

[BeckyCath]

Reality Check? Isn't that different for everyone?

Well, for me, I live 24/7, and have done since easter (so not that long really), but i have been jumping the gender divide for a long time before that, and was living socially full time for about 12 months before hand.

I was getting more and more depressed, and finding that living whilst presenting a male facade was harder and harder for me, and once i'd taken the first step and got out in the wide world as a woman, there wasn't much of a choice!
I saw my doctor in sept 2004, and saw 2 different consultant psychiatrists over the next 12 months, and both of them confirmed Gender Identity Dysphoria, and it was then Jan 2006 before i had an appt at the GIC. So, this period of time helped me truly work out what i wanted, living "part time" as a woman was a great help, in that i had to work on my passability, my voice, my presentation. Some would say i was living a transvestite lifestyle, but i was more than happy to get the practice in!

So, how has living day to day changed my reality? Well, in many ways, it's easier to be a guy and just chuck some clothes on and slouch about all day, but then in other ways, for me, the mental anguish of living as a man is now reduced. It takes me about 20 minutes to shave, (yes, i can't afford laser hair removal at the moment) make up and do my hair every morning. I make up because i have to, if i want to pass i need the coverage and foundation!
I feel that i need to "re-inforce" my femininity to the public, so, and this is a psychological thing with me, I usually wear skirts or smart feminine cut trousers. (but then i do wear jeans at work because Jeans are work clothes, and since i work in a engineering factory, it's just not practical to wear much else.) I prefer being smart as a woman, i was a hopeless unstylish slob as a bloke!
Day to day, I find that i can cope with my life, my gender presentation is now "right" , and matches how i feel inside and i don't have to act anymore, i can be naturally me! I also find that when others treat me as a woman it feels so much better than when i was called "sir".

I've never been one to wear mini skirts and "flimsy" clothes, i find i have much more choice now, I can wear trousers skirts or what ever i want really, but they're just clothes, and being a woman isn't about clothes, make up or an external image, "being woman" is internal, and friends have said that i am so much a woman in the way i react to things, the things i say and do!

I have 2 children, and they've taken to the new me very well. My youngest(he's not quite 5) told my parents a few weeks ago "I love Becky, she smiles and is happy, my daddy was never happy" I haven't lost my children or my parents, maybe i've been lucky, but if my kids think i'm happier as a woman, then, well, why should i torture myself and remain constrained within my birth gender?

At the end of the day, I'm happier now than i ever was, is that so wrong? I don't miss being a bloke at all, he was a miserable fat slob, I am a happy, confident out going woman!

Rebecca

[Mitzi]

Well, good for you, Becky...

You've expressed what I believe to be a "true" transsexual point of view...clothes, makeup, etc. are just accessories, the peace of mind and happiness, and acceptance of yourself are the real rewards.

Mitzi