before acceptance

[michelle19845]

i would like to know,if anyone is open to share,what kind of person were you like before you accepted yourself as being ts and not just having a dressing thing or awkward personality? i used to think i was more of a cder or at most androgynous,but i later begin to see a connection between how i am as a person,my interests and the way i view things in life and what has made me more happy.now that i am accepting and pursuing my self as being in the ts spectrum i have been a lot less stressed and happier with myself and not so secretive and hiding.i've come out to 2 friends and they are very happy for me.also more closer to them.as for family i'm working on it.


thanks for replies,
michelle19845

[Deborah757]

Since I have accepted myself I no longer feel the stress of hating what I am. Other than that, I don't really think I have changed at all.

Also, I have taken hormones for a while and I don't really think that changed me either other than possibly reducing a quick temper. My likes and dislikes, and even my emotions seem pretty much the same.

When I was young I was very shy and introverted. Now I am not really shy and while still probably introverted have no real problem with public speaking or other social situations. However, that change really came with age and experience and had absolutely nothing to do with self acceptance or hormones since both of these came later.

[GypsyKaren]

I am a totally different person since accepting myself and coming out. I used to be painfully shy and afraid of everything, to the point where it was hard for me to function as a person. I always hid in the corner and hoped I wouldn't be noticed, to afraid to even speak. That's pretty sad.

Now I'm the total opposite. I live full time now as a woman, and let me tell you that takes a lot of guts. I enjoy being with people and interacting with them. I feel like I've been reborn, and I'm finally soaking up some sunshine...it's just the best!

Karen

[Trissia]

since i was a child, i did not like all activities boys like...the first time i loved a girl i enjoyed her sweetness and feminity and i soon hated that thing between my legs...though it was useful ...i think i was an androgyn...but i do not remember i tried to hide this...in the opposite i felt like proud of being different...i soon felt i was special...i soon enjoyed feminine activities, and collars and rings...as it was the "wight island" and hippies period, i could wear anything (often ridiculous) that pleased me...that is the reason why, i think i did not make a fixing about dressing as a girl...i must say also that i became soon a bit "exhib"...though i am not a gorgeous beauty i like my body..
and also i soon realized that many girls liked my behaviour...i could give much love without being a "macho", so they could enjoy me with no fear and quietness...and i remarked that some of my (boy) friends, felt somehow troubled about me...i mean that what they called friendship was more sexual than they imagined...
so i can't say that i've had "one" special day or coming out...
of course it happened that i had some need of going out dressed as a girl: so i did it everytime friends had parties in which we can disguise...they laughed at me, and admired my "courage" though...and some silently thought they would love to f.... me!!!!
but for others it was but a joke...so i was free of doing all i imagined...(and many things happened ...)
but i must add this: my body is feminine enough but my face is a problem, though i have no more beard...it is a man's face and it needs too much make up...when i "dress" i must be fair with myself: i am nobody more than a disguised man...and i am ridiculous...that's why dressing is not a permanent will...(and i already have wrinkles ah ah ah)
i began to use "estreva" one year ago as i was curious to verify if it could change a thing......i admit that after a few months i remarked that i had a very very very little more breasts...but very sensitive insted...a few less body hair, and i am now more sensitive ...i easily cry, mainly when i feel happy...but i am not sure it is the result of that use or of the placebo-effect knowing i use it...
am i "off topic"?....i just try to explain (with my poor english) that we may act naturally according to who we are...though it may be confused in the mind we soon know we are different, probably because we have a special melting of testosterone and oestrogens since we were born...i am also certain we have special pheromones ..i mean that i do not think we change or have to change...since we do not build a real problem in our mind, it is not one...
for instance: the day i felt i could not stand anymore my body hair, i decided i would depile me...i said "hey i have invented a hair-remover and i have to try it on myself::" the result is that i finally really made one (that also removes beard) i use every day (too bad i found only one society that would intend to display it, but i still wait...ah ah ah)...but this way i am smooth from feet to head....when they see i have no more body hair, i say "yes i still have to try my invention ah ah ah"...noone is surprised anyway and now i am as hairy as an egg...ah ah ah!
i mean this: to feel free in mind don't try to make others accept you are a woman...be more malicious than they are, become a woman as you want, like if it were a joke, and the day you're one they won't even realize you changed something and they will integrate you as "you"...and you will enjoy double pleasure..believe me i did it!!

oh sorry mes cheries, i am such a talkative person....!!!!

[~Dee~]

hmm .. good question.
what was i like before i accepted myself?
i was my dark shadow version of myself today.
i sometimes sit down and think to myself just how much of a change something like this has had on me.

i used to be miserable a lot of the time, closed off to the world .. i was secretive to the nth degree, not to hide things from people at times - just because i didnt like to share.
i didnt like people becoming too close friends with me .. i liked to keep a distance from people. i didnt speak much at all, its not that i was overly shy or didnt like public speaking (i won awards for public speaking), i just didnt like talking to people all that much.
and i for sure didnt share any information with anyone. my info stayed with me and me alone. my problems were for me to sort out in time, i didnt seek help with issues i was dealing with. no matter how crappy i was dealing with it.
hmm .. what else .. oh yeah .. i was deceiptful and manipulative.

i think that about covers it
yeah .. i was a total git.

but now im almost none of those things.
i still like a little bit of distance from the world, but whereas before the public used to walk around me to get to Kitty and ask her to get something off the top shelf ... now, people actually talk to me .. Kitty says that it shows .. i look a lot more approachable.
but i do any of those things i used to.

sometimes i wonder if ive just switched one personal shame for another.
i hate looking back to how i was before .. its a constant source of hurt for me. but i did do those things, and now i have to live with my choices. such is life.

[Kimberley]

I'm not sure I have really "changed" as such. I am still introverted and self conscious and always will be. For me acceptance is a daily thing, not something that just happened overnight. Every day I wake up I have to give Kimberley a hug.

I am still the same person with the same value system and opinions. If anything I am less conscious of hiding Kimberley. I think that over time I have allowed more of my feminine characteristics surface. (physical mannerisms, speech mannerisms etc.) No one has ever made comment, at least in my presence.

As to dressing, I am very much into androgenous looks. If anything I think this gets second glances. I wear silk shirts almost daily. Many of these are quite bright and feminine in their patterning. Regardless, I still dress for comfort not for a fashion statement.

I used to hide everything, keeping Kimberley buried as I went overboard to show the "real" (uh huh, yeah right. If only they knew.) me, the male. I guess now I am at a stage where I just dont care what others think. My family (even those who dont know about my being TG) just look and think that I am expressing the artist. Partially true but only slightly. (They'd be horrified if I loosened the laundry). Anyway, work would be another story. To return to the workforce would require a return to the old ways just for survival.

Anyway, today it is just me being me, less confused and tense over my gender identity, certainly more proactive in my needs, and could care less about what others think of me for this. (Of course, challenge my values and the gloves are off) LOL


Kimberley

[Maria D]

Let's put it this way: Darth Vader asked me to join the Dark Side but I refused, because it was too liberal.

I wasn't nasty, I just hated myself and, thinking the world would hate me, I hated it back. I drank so much that, when I lived at home, my sister would cry listening to me vomit in my locked room when I got home from the pub. I was sarcastic to the point of upsetting people and would hate myself more because of that, and because everyone seemed to manage to like me. I WANTED them to hate me! I deserved to be hated, I was a freak.
I'd go into tizzies when I just couldn't cope with the pain and punch walls; my knuckles are scarred, I have cigarette burns on my arm and cuts too, and a neat triangle scar on the top of my left hand where I let someone burn me, because I could.
I was dark, but never evil and I didn't set out to hurt anyone except myself. I kept my trans nature totally hidden, and as manly as a short arse can be, especially in attitude. You never caught me saying 'eew, I'm not touching that, I'll get dirty'. I even grew a beard once hehe, not sure who I was trying to convince

Since moving forward I'm much happier, but even now the darkness seems comforting sometimes, when I'm down. I still get depressed occasionally, I'm not as stable as I'd like, and some days I feel so ugly I could claw my face off with my nails. But who said life was all smiles? I'm moving in the right direction, and that'll have to be enough for now.
As Granny Weatherwax knows, the harder you stare into the light, the stronger the temptation to turn around and look at how long your shadow has become. Well, I'm still trying not to look, I know how long my shadow is.

Take care

[Marla S]

I am just on the way to come out, therfore I only can tell about my first impression - things change rapidly.

All I can say is that I didn't have a very happy life, though the circumstances would have allowed it, very often felt miserable, had (still have) difficulties to deal with problems and rather resiled than to fight the problems. This made my prity alone and isolated and finally I got depressions. I don't know if all this is related to TG but all the guilt, shame and doubts obviously contributed.

Right know I am feeling freed and since a long time (if ever) I think that life is worth living and fun. Hopefully it will last a while, because I think I gaining power to get a grip on other problems this way too.

I kinda can't believe it and I am awaiting the bubble to burst every minute (hopefully it is of diamond and will last a while).

I don't know anymore which label fits for my, but it is more than clothes as I think I am happier rather to live a feminie lifestyle than a masculine one.

[Ms. Donna]

What was I like before... Hmmm... Probably not radically different than I am now, but there are some differences.

The main difference was that I never liked myself. And while I had rationalized the hell out of my feelings and actions in a moribund attempt to be 'normal', deep down I hated who I was. When it came time to discuss starting a family, having kids, I was ambivalent at best. I couldn't see bringing a child into the world and them having as screwed-up a life as I had. Why would I want to do that? No, one of 'me' in the world (I also felt quite isolated) was quite enough.

My rationalization was that I was just a 'regular guy' with a few kinks. The 'regular guy' part was important - as I said, it allowed me to believe I was normal. The fact that I had already been integrating woman's clothing into my regular wardrobe was just a part of the 'kinks' and I tended to discount this wholesale as irrelevent. (Yea, right...)

I was also somewhat self destructive, managing to get my self into a bit of a legal altercation wherein my wife had to come bail me out. It was all so painfully stupid on my part and did nothing to help things. In fact, it only served to set up even greater tensions between my wife and me.

When all this TG stuff came to a head in 1997, I became quite obsessed with regards to 'what to do' - and consequently was a less than ideal husband for my wife (slipping from bad to worse.) She needed me to be there emotionally and I wasn't. In retrospect, I treated her like crap and eight years on, I'm still 'reminded' of this when things go south between us. I hurt her and she has a right to be mad. It took a good two years to 'find myself' and rejoin the living. However, both my wife and I paid the price.

Things are much better now: I accept who and what I am. I like who I am and I'm not afraid - or ashamed - of it. Trans, TG, TS, Genderqueer, CD, etc. - all fit to some degree or another and I do not attempt to hide who I am - often to the dismay of my wife. She has come to accept / tolerate most of this, but would rather not have to deal with it. Overall, I feel I'm a better person than before, but that's my perspective and I could be biased in this regard.

Before I accepted myself, I was an ersatz version of what I thought I was supposed to be. Now, I'm that which I was ment to be all along.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[heather_nouveau]

Hi Michelle:

Although it's still early days for me, I guess I can say that I feel like a huge weight has been lifted as I've come to accept myself. The past couple of years, I've been very bitter, argumentative, and angry. I think keeping all my true feelings and desires a secret was becoming unbearable. Now that I've begun therapy and have begun making changes in my life to reflect who I am; I am beginning to feel calmer and more hopeful about the future.

Hope this helps,

Heather

[Joy Carter]

Simply said I loathed my very existence I never smiled always had a negative attitude and suicide was an option I considered many times. Now I'm a happy gurl and the So while glad that I'm happy (not the gurl part) is more at ease around me. Life is what you make of it had I known that self acceptance is all that it would take I'd come out to myself years ago.

[Stephenie S]

I try not to think about it too much, but I know I was not a very nice person. I can remember some times when I was a real s**t to others close to me, but I thought I had to be like that to convince others of my masculinity.
I hope I am a better person now that I am not hiding myself behind a macho mask. I know I am at least trying to be a better, kinder and softer person who does not take up as much space (that's not quite what I want to say, but I can't figure out just what I mean). I don't spread out so much, I guess.
I try not to hog both armrests in the theater, etc.
Mr. Macho was always right, no other opinions need aply. I know there is still some of that left, but I am concious of it now and try to be more empathetic and understanding of others.
So, I hope I am a better person out from under my masculine facade. I hope we all are.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Priss]

I had always known I was different than the other boys, since a very early age. I used to try to convince myself that maybe it was just a fetish, just a cross dressing thing... Then one day, it all just hit me like a ton of bricks. Not that I was really a woman, but that I could actually do something about it. I had been reading a story in one of the scandal rags about a TS who had found some sort of sugar daddy to pay for her surgery, when my inner child spoke up and said "I wish I could do that". It caught my conscious self off guard, because I happened to be listening at the time. From there it was a day or so of soul searching that got me to take the first step on the path and find a therapist to help me through all of this.

[pattyme]

I hid a lot and like most of you was (and still am) shy and introverted. What I have come to realize is that I hid from myslef and used any excuse to rationalize it. Now I am a social neophite and have a lot to learn. No matter where this journey ends at least I have goals that are my own - thats a big change. The other big change is that I have come to realize that I don't have to learn to love myself but rather have to learn to let me love myslelf.

A long way to go, love you all for being here.

Patty.
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