Who's come out to parents and how?

[Chrissycd]

K, the time has come for me to come out to my Dad, and I hope those of you who've gone before me will share your experiences, good and bad and give me any advice you think will help me. Our family is one of those that never really talks about anything serious much at all, so I'm trying to decide how to go about this. I came out to my eldest sister a year ago and got no support at all. In fact, at the time, she said telling my Dad would probably put him in his grave. I was surprised by that reaction from her b/c I always thought she was the most open-minded person in the family. This is easily going to be the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. I don't want to hurt him, but I refuse to live any other way now. He has been asking me alot of questions lately about "what's going on" in my life though, so he's got to be wondering what's up. I need to do this soon though b/c I'm going full time in June and I need to have this behind me. Help!!!
Chrissy
ps - for those of you who remember me, I'm soooo glad to be back on the forum! It's been a long ten months since my last post.

[tori-e]

Hi Crissy,

I haven't come out my parents as they have long since passed.

However, I recently had the experience of coming out to my adult son and then his wife. I was a bit forced into the situation because he works with me and my business partner was starting to notice my frequent disappearances for "appointments". I was getting quite nervous that he would start asking my son if I was sick. So we had to tell him before any rumours came his way.

See this thread if you want to know more...
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=27847

I think the smartest thing we (my wife and I) did was the FAQ. If you are interested in it, please ask I can PM it to. Or I can post it here if anyone is interested. Although it is quite long.

Tori

I hope those of you who've gone before me will share your experiences, good and bad and give me any advice you think will help me.

[Sierra]

They probally allready know if your serious ,be honest and then listen they may say: some things they prefer not to know.

[Clare]

[SIZE=3]Hi Chrissy.

I'm going through this same dilemma myself. Although I have no intention to go 'full time' anytime soon, I'm in a spin just trying to work out how to reveal I'm a crossdresser, let alone more than that!

I gather that he must suspect something if he's asking you questions about 'your life' more so than is normal. Perhaps your sister may be there for your Dad when you tell him? At least he'll have someone else to confide in I guess?

I wish you well - I just don't know what advice to offer you except to be honest and sincere with your Father. Give him time to let it sink in and be prepared for lots of questions later![/SIZE]

[Jeanette TS]

Well this is a good one. I cam out 2 years ago to mum and dad, but it was not me it was the sister that did the deed. I had told her with in 1 day she told mum. and mom told dad So i had a easy time of it. and what a time mom said why dud i not tell her years age, she would have helped me then making me hall. Well that was a turn up for the books and dad oh well are you OK can we do anything for you it was that easy for me. I do know some of the girls have it bad and i do feel for you all i was one of the very luck ones we are a very close family and still are we have a joke about it all now.
Well that's my bit to this one

Lov Jeanette

[Helen MC]

Would have been a total disaster and a crass folly had I done so. Bear in mind I started to CD it was 1965, Homosexuality was still a criminal offence in the UK and we had only scrapped Military National Service a couple of years before. The liberation, sexual and otherwise of the hippy age was yet to dawn.

My father was and still is although he is now a very old man and harmless to me, a hardline butch male, head of the household, in his day ruled with a rod of iron. He hates what he calls "poofs" and to him there is no difference in a man who wears women's panties as I do but is otherwise Heterosexual and a full blown Homosexual "Queen", he hates all who are not your bog standard macho, butch male. My mother stood in his shadow and was an easier going type but stood in his shadow and had she been aware of my CD activities, even just wearing my sister Anne's knickers instead of Boys' Y Fronts, she would have considered it her duty to inform my father with terrible results for me! She is no longer with us so the question cannot now arise. I do not know if Anne was aware , I never told her although I feel she would have understood and would not have shopped me up. She went to University and turned out to be a Liberal person in her adult life.

So I would advise exterme caution in "coming out" to parents especially if you still live in the parental home and are legally a minor, (in the UK under 18). My advice, "Never ask, never tell"

[AnnaMaria]

I told my mom almost 2yrs ago and she has been totally supportive of me. Of course part of the reason is that she would have probably transitioned herself if she had grown up in a later generation than what she did. She told me that she has never been comfortable in her own skin and has always felt more masculine than femenine her entire life. Of course my dad doesn't know even now simply because for the past few years he has been dealing with the aftermath of a serious stroke and I am afraid that he would let slip the whole truth to other members of the family that would not understand and that would be the end of my family life such as it is. I know that he would accept me no matter what that is just the way my parents are.

What you have to consider is the type of people your parents are when you tell them. You should know by now if they will be accepting of you or not. But since you are planning to go full time in june I would tell them soon so that they have time to digest the situation before it happens simply because it might make things easier in the long run. Especially if you have a close relationship with your parents which it sounds like you do.

I would plan for the worst in any case so that you are ready for any thing that happens. If you plan for the worst and it doesn't happen then you will be better off than if you plan for something else and the worst does happen. If you are mentally ready for anything then it will be easier for you to deal with emotionally. Just do it soon because the clock is ticking and it will probably be harder to deal with for all concerned if you show up as a girl one day without any warning.

As far as your sister is concerned I am not sure that she would be my choice to have around when you tell your dad. If you have another sister that might be a little less course about the situation I think that would be a better choice but I do think that it would be a good idea to have someone else there with your dad when you tell him so that as Clare suggested he will have someone to confide in after the fact.

My prayers are with you. I hope that all goes will. But remember that we are here for you no matter what the outcome all you have to do is ask.

huggs
anna

[Lisa Scott]

Hi Chrissy,
I came out to my Parents, sister, her long time boyfriend and most of my friends 2 years ago...I just couldnt continue hiding everything, and thankfully they have all been incredibly supportive, and I felt like a huge wieght had been lifted, it was such a relief that everyne who mattered in my life knew the real truth about me and they had no problem with it...

Unfortunately I am in a position at the moment where my girlfriend knows everything, but the truth about me is not disclosed to her parent or sister. We have discussed this many times and believe it is best that way, but it does feel a little like a backward step after the huge relief of coming out to everyone just 2 years ago.

As regards advice, I unfortunately can offer very little, as I planned everything in preparation for telling my sister, then my Mum, then Dad etc...but life has a funny way of not co-operating too well with your plans...

I told my sister and she was amazing. She was so supportive, and we are closer now than ever before...I couldnt have wished for anything more and I love her so much for how she handled it... especially since we work together in a large office and going full time could have significant implictions for her at work.

She suggested I just tell my Mum as she is pretty understanding, and she would help to tell my Dad...this wouldnt be easy as they had just moved into their new home in Spain...

To cut a long story short I ended up telling Dad First as Mum was out , and he took it really well...he told my Mum and they called me back later that day to discuss it more and ask how they could help...

The only advice I recieved when I was asking people the same thing, was that there is never a "good time" to tell someone, and you can never really guess how they will react untill you have told them... so the only thing to do is pluck up the courage and do it, then hope for the best..

I wish you all the best...

Lisa x

[~Dee~]

i told my parents before i really started telling my friends.
as far as i saw it i didnt want to hold it in to myself anymore and so sooner or later id have to tell them .. and i was tired of stressing about it... so during a little chat in the afternoon, i just told them straight out.

then we met up for dinner that weekend in order for them to have some time to think about and then be able to ask me questions.

my dad is still my biggest hurdle .. accepting, but with a tiny little bit of reservation ... during the dinners discussions, he was very confused and tried to find out why "he" was doing this.
but since that time, he has learnt more and come to the conclussion that if its what i need to do, then its what i need to do.

i also had to tell someone else who is a big part of my life, like my second father. and he was hard to tell .. cause hes a big rough army man kinda guy .. and we sort of work together too .. so it was very hard to come to terms with actually taking the step and potentially losing him from my life.

but the more i told people, the more i knew that just getting it over and done with was so much nicer than stressing about it for weeks.
so the next time i caught up with him and he was alone, i pulled him aside and just said i have news - that im TS.
his exact response was "and?.... oh, am i supposed to be shocked or surprised?"

so, people can surprise you ... and no matter how long you worry about it, agonise about the outcome or fret about what the future holds, it doesnt change the fact that they are going to react one way or another.
so, the way i look at it .. the sooner you tell people, the sooner you know how they are going to take it and you wont have to worry about how they will take it.

they might have a hard time accepting it .. but the sooner you can get to work on helping them understand .. hopefully, the sooner that will come to grips with it all and be able to support.

sometimes, it just takes time.
sometimes, its just not meant to be and you just dont look to them for support... but that doesnt mean you have to write them out of your life.

good luck

[Maria D]

I told my parents at Christmas. It was so hard to do, and I was sure I'd hurt and lose them. I told my step-dad first, and I was struggling for the words. He said 'Shall I help you out? You like to wear women's clothes.' That helped me enough to explain that it was more than that, and he was fine and supportive, but didn't know how Mum would take it.
I practiced what I was going to say over and over in my head, and that really helped when I did tell her. It meant that, rather than freezing up, I just 'said' what I'd practiced. I collared her just after she went upstairs to bed before she could settle. I don't remember what I said now, it was along the lines of 'I need to tell you something. I'm transgendered, it means I feel am a woman, I've always felt this, and I'm taking steps to become a woman as much as I can. Telling you is the hardest part of this, that's why I've kept it secret, but I can't hide who I am any more.' I was nearly in tears by then and she gave me a big hug.

Of course I understand that not all parents are accepting, and that's so sad. Ultimately, being TS is not something you can hide if you choose to transition, so they'll have to know if you do; how they take it is unknown and will have to be handled as it happens. As I like to say, I'll burn my bridges when I get to them.
My fiancee's parents will never accept me as a person, and if they were my parents I'd have lost them. That's the risk I took telling mine, that I could lose them, and I took that risk. I had to. Do you?

Take care

[Priss]

Hi Chrissy. I rember the name. You've still got more posts than I do...

I came out to my mother about 16yrs ago. At the time I thought she took it well. I was to find out later on though that she really had some problems with it. Once I found that out, it only got ugly from there. I made the mistake of allowing her to control the news to the rest of the family. I think if I were to have to do it again, I might want to get as many in the same room as possible (immediate family that is, and not at a special occasion), and just tell the tale... Once you tell, there's not really much you can do. Answer their questions, and be there for them when they need you. In time, if they have problems with it to begin with, they'll eventually see that you're really the same person they've known all along. Some may never come around, but hopefully most will atleast be civil to you.

It's been said that we only tell, when the fear on not telling finally overcomes the fear of telling. I hope your tell turns out better than mine did.

[Sarah Smile]

This is really a tough question and I'm afraid I'm in a similar position to you... I have no idea how I will tell my father. I know I will have to tell him eventually, because I am sure I am TG and probably TS also (i.e., would like to transition at some point). Fortunately, it was easy to tell my mother, because he is an FTM TS, but he is part of the reason I am unsure about my father. My father had a really hard time when my mother came out to him (though they had been long divorced by then). He seems to finally have accepted it and "put it behind him", but I fear that if I tell him it will be too much for him, on top of that. He is very understanding about most things, but he has a few blind spots. *sigh*. So the long and the short of it is, I don't know either, but I know how you feel. :/

[Cathy Love]

Hiya Chrissy,

I've told just about my entire family recently so I can guess what's going through your head at the moment. Well saying ’I told’ is a bit of a fib. I knew I had to tell them, but in case I chickened out, I wrote up a letter to give to them instead. I gave the letter to my mum and she passed it round. So far most people have been great. I won't repeat the entire story as it's all rather long winded and boring - but it is posted on my blog if you're curious.

Given that you sister’s response was pretty disheartening in it's negativity you could use it as a yard stick to gauge what kind of response your father is going to give. Though I guess you already knew that. I've no idea what your family/living situation is but you should ask yourself what are you hoping to achieve by coming out? Are you in a situation, where, if your family does turns it’s back on you for doing this you have a support system in place to help you deal with the fallout? Do you need their support to do this? If not, well you should be ok. Initially there might be some awful hassle, but in the end, once the dust has settled everything should go back to normal….may take a few years though.

There's not much I can say with regards to hints/tips about how to come out, but I will say that looking back it turned out that the actual idea of coming out that caused me more stress then actually doing it. Once it was done, that was it, for that bit anyway.

Later,

Catherine.

[Chrissycd]

it sounds like the feeling is that you gotta do what you gotta do, and you can't really control the results no matter what you do. I spent the whole day yesterday composing a letter b/c I just couldn't see how I'd bring it up in conversation and my family is famous for changing the subject or getting up to use the lou in order to skip out on real conversation.
It's 3 pages long but it's in big print b/c my Dad's getting toward that age. I got it the way I wanted it and then this morning got into an argument w/ him on the phone about something unrelated. Then, I sat down and wrote another version that was motivated more by frustration and anger than anything. I fought the impulse to drive down to his house and stuff it in his hand today. Writing it served its purpose, but I still plan to use the first one. I'm going to see him on Thursday and I want to give it to him then. I'm not going to say anything to anyone else in the family ahead of time now though b/c I don't need anyone causing me to second guess now.
Cathy ~ thank you for your insights and suggestions. Luckily, I do have good friends who support me (including girls like you, of course) so that is helping me already.
Amber Dawn ~ I feel for you, honey. This is really hard. What I do know though is that I've come to the point where coming out isn't a choice anymore. It's a must. I just can't live in the closet, pretending to be what I'm not, anymore. It's time. You'll know when your time is, too.
Dee ~ I think you make lots of sense. Thanks!
Priss ~ The interesting thing is that I'm NOT the same person I've always presented to the world in the past. I'm ten thousand times happier, more social and more fun en femme b/c I'm not all caged and depressed anymore. I hope they'll be open enough to me to see that it's a change for the better. The friends I've come out to are so much happier to hang out with Chrissy than that sad sack they always knew in the past. PS - I remember you, too!
Maria ~ Yes, I do. No doubts. It's time.
Lisa ~ I wish you luck w/ your SO's parents now. I'm divorced, but always got along well w/ my in laws although they don't know about this. I think they'd be wonderful about it though. Still, it IS difficult when it's your SO's parents and not yours. I wish you well w/ it. It does come down to plucking up the courage and knowing when it's just better to come out.
AnnaMaria ~ I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. My Mom suffers from Alzheimers, so I know a bit about your situation. I think my sister would just prefer that I never tell my Dad at all b/c he cares for my Mom and his hands are full already. I just feel that I'd rather he knew who I really am now. My Mom will never know me now and that's a sad shame. To think my own mother d/n even know me for who I really am really stinks.
This is getting really long, but thank you all for your thoughts, girls. I'll post again later this week with results.
Stay tuned.
Hugs,
Chrissy

[Deborah]

I think it's when i was on messenger with my Dad and i told him i wish i was born his daughter instead of his son. Think he got the message then.

[luky charm]

the only thing my mom said to me when i told her was, "i already knew".
my step dad was really the only one who caught me, and he was fine with it too. i guess i got lucky, i can't imagine hiding such a big part of me from my family.

charmed

[Sarahgurl371]

Chrissy,

I am in a similar situation as well. Both moy parents know that I am a CDer. My wife told them about 2 years ago now, as she was having difficulty with all this and needed someone to talk to. My parents have always been pretty open minded people, so I told her she could talk to them if she needed to. I guess it was a cop out on my part. IN the end they have both expressed some support, their love, and an "its OK" attititude.

What they don't know is that I feel there is more to the story. And telling them that is very scary. I think my Mom would be OK with it, but my Dad, I am not so sure. Over the past couple of months, I have tried to broach the subject with each of them, but always stop short of telling them I think I am TS. I can see the discomfort in my Dad's face when this gets too deep. I think in his mind if its just some kind of fetish its OK, but the TS thing would probably be not well received.

My therapsist says that I should wait a bit, to go out as Tammy, and make some friends, to gather a support group in case this goes badly with any of my family. BTW I am pretty sure my brother will not accept this at all. He has made somany comments about people on TV, or movies.

So I can not offer any advice either, as I am still in the "how to tell it" phase.

Good luck to you though.

[Maria D]

My Mum and sister both made comments about gays and CD/TS people, always did. Indeed, the day I told my Mum she had spent several minutes criticising David Walliams (from Little Britain) for 'being strange and effeminate, I mean, look at him, he doesn't know who he is, he's just so odd'. I nearly told her then and there during the arguement. She's always been like it, not watching Eddie Izzard 10 years ago because he was 'one of those', until she actually did watch a video and found him funny.

Strangely though, when it was me, it was different, because she already knew me, and she's been great, if finding it hard to handle. Of course, that's my Mum, not yours, unless you're my sister. I offer no assurance that you're Mum's will be be ok with it, but I do offer my hope that they are.

Take care

[Lisa Maren]

Hi Everyone

I am at the point where I'm planning to tell my mother -- but at this point I will only tell her that I am still crossdressing and that there's a therapist I wish to talk to in order to understand it. I'm thinking of not yet revealing that the therapist's specialty is gender issues or saying that the therapist is a specialist with crossdressers (true enough, but implies non-TS/TG so slight fib there). I would also not tell her that the therapist is herself a post-op, to boot.

The primary reason for this strategy in my case is that I feel too confused to feel certain and what would happen if I told her I was TS/TG and turned out not to be? That would result in her worrying about many things and all for nothing.

Why tell them at all right now? I live in their house. I have enough private space and they don't violate my privacy but they always taught my siblings and I that it's a good idea to let someone know where you're going so that you can be located, just in case. Hence, we have always done that, so this became quite established as one of our family norms. In turn, if I now refrain from telling her where I'm going they will know that something's up -- and my mom is rather pushy.

My parents may well have a difficult time digesting it/coming to grips with it, but they won't abandon me or stop loving me nor will I ever cut myself off from them or stop loving them. Perhaps, in the end, that will save us all.

Hugs,
Lisa

[HaleyPink2000]

I have fought in a War, had Kids, Grand Kids and been through terminal Cancer. That said, I still did not have the Guts to tell My Dad before He died last year or my Mother even now. You'd think at 55 I could do that. But no way. I will not burden Her with that. She's very Christian Woman and I could not do that to Her now. She's almost 80.

PS Nice thred, Thanks!

[JeanneF]

Why tell them at all right now? I live in their house. I have enough private space and they don't violate my privacy but they always taught my siblings and I that it's a good idea to let someone know where you're going so that you can be located, just in case. Hence, we have always done that, so this became quite established as one of our family norms. In turn, if I now refrain from telling her where I'm going they will know that something's up -- and my mom is rather pushy.

Sounds like the same boat I'm in. What I do when I go out (especially out of town) is leave a note taped to the front of my computer. My mom (dad passed away a few years back) doesn't come into my part of the house, AFAIK. If she did, she already knows about me, since I don't make any attempts anymore to hide my clothes, makeup and such. I figure this way if something does happen, she'll at least have a lead on my wherabouts.

I'm still trying to find a good opportunity to tell my mom. We're very close, and she's about as openminded as a person can be, but it's still something that's hard to articulate. I guess my big concern is just find the "right" time to tell her. There really isn't an easy way to say "Hey mom, I like to dress like a girl, and I think I may want to become one".

[joanlynn28]

I ended up telling both of my parents about it with my therapist when I was in the hospital going through a sexual addiction program. I was somewhat shocked to find out how excepting they were about it. Told me no matter what I end up deciding to do about it that I am still their son(who would rather be there oldest daughter). I am fortunate to have very open parents who are accepting and loving. I guess that it also helps that my mother does have a number of gay friends too.

[Chrissycd]

comforting to hear everyone's experiences either in hindsight or in planning. Often, I wish I'd come to terms w/ myself at a younger age so that I could have gotten this on the table so much sooner b/c my parents are in their 70's now and I sometimes wonder if it'd be better to let them exit this life w/o knowing. On the other hand, I think it'd be a sad thing if neither of them ever knew why I've not been social for all of these years. I'm certain that they came to the conclusion years ago that I've grown up to be selfish w/ my time and unconcerned about them and their lives. So, it's been a tug of war. I really wonder though, if I do come out, will my optimism that it will bring us closer turn out to be true, or will it only make him think I'm antisocial and disturbed? There's only one way to find out though, I guess...
Isn't it sad that being honest about who I am is such a hard thing to do w/ my own parents?
Ug!!!

Chrissy

[Rachel_740]

I simply (ok, it took me several attempts before I actually said anything) went round and told my Mum. From that point I was committed to telling Dad because it wouldn't have been fair to leave it to Mum. I've always been closer to Mum, so I told her when I managed to get her alone.

I thought about letters or the phone but decided that wouldn't be fair and also I wanted to see their reaction first-hand.

Mum said it's my life to do with as I wish, and after a short pause Dad said the same thing.

Rach
xxx

[OniKoneko]

I told my parents at Christmas. It was so hard to do, and I was sure I'd hurt and lose them. I told my step-dad first, and I was struggling for the words.

...


Of course I understand that not all parents are accepting, and that's so sad. Ultimately, being TS is not something you can hide if you choose to transition, so they'll have to know if you do; how they take it is unknown and will have to be handled as it happens. As I like to say, I'll burn my bridges when I get to them.
My fiancee's parents will never accept me as a person, and if they were my parents I'd have lost them. That's the risk I took telling mine, that I could lose them, and I took that risk. I had to. Do you?

Already took that risk. Their ship is sinking almost faster than they can poke new holes in it. My parents are highly religious nowadays, and apparently god can't put girls in male bodies (or vice-versa) for whatever reason because a puny mortal says it wouldn't.

It scares me, though... Not that I'm losing them, but that... That I'm losing them and I just cannot bring myself to care that I'm losing them. I tried. I truly did. We had long discussions about it, all ending in a thinly veiled attempt to convert me to a religion based on pigment placed on strips of dried, dead tree pulp. They say I am selfish for wanting to be myself and not thinking of how my family would react to it. They try to guilt me into renouncing who I am. They try to fill my head with ideas that my head was filled with ideas that this is the way I am. They scream, they shout, they cry. I feel the harsh, cold indifference wrap itself around me yet again as I realize I just do not care anymore.

They are losing me, but I have already lost them. I still hope, though, that other "adults" might be able to bring them 'round to reason. My psychologist and doctor might be able to help them cope. Their daughter calls to them, and they deny her and insult her by calling her their son.