I'm Still Here, Just Not Real Happy...

[kathy gg]

Randi

I want to get this thread back on topic....

I have met and known several cd's like yourself. If their wife is not showing enthusiasm or excitement or does not seem into it, the desire even though within you has a hard time finding it's way to the surface.....

But think about this in other ways.....okay, I am really, really into tennis. I take lessons, play on sevearl different leagues, get all excited when I find some deal on a racket. I also like to watch the big Opens on television and go to the Masters we have locally. But sometimes now I have to sort of put tennis on the back burner because I am a stay at home Mom, and it really is not right to 'make" my husband babysit {4 nights a week}, or miss time away from me when I go play. So I sort of pick and choose, I don't always get what I want. I also realize that him coming to watch me play, although it would be nice is something that he is only "comfortable" with doing maybe once or twice a year. I mean, when it boils down to it, tennis is my passion....not his.

And although he knew this when we first married and actually used to watch me play quiet a bit, eventually his enthusiasm leveled off. It is not that he does not want me to play, but does not care to participate.

I have had to compromise and I am okay with that.

Anyway, the point I am trying to make is our spouses won't always be into the same stuff we are into. And although they may initially seem really enthused, unless they have as much passion for this "thing" as we do, is it really right to expect that same level of passion in return? I really dont' think so. I mean, I knew he was not already into tennis...I mean if I really wanted a guy who was as into tennis as me, well I could have looked for one and not been with my hubby right?

But I also have made an effort to explain how important my 'thing' is to me.

If this is really important to you {to crossdress}, it is your responsibility to explain the level of importance, and then accept that ultimatly this is your need, not hers. And if she won't participate then you do need some time to do your thing. We just can't look to our partners to fullfill every void and need we have inside us. If you "need" her participation to feel good then it almost seems you are putting her in a position which is completely unfair. As unfair as it would be to drag my husband to my tennis matches, sit through Wimbelton, and get excited abuot the sneakers I found on special. I have learned to enjoy my source of "pleasure" without his involvement....you may have to as well.

Good luck ....

[SIZE="4"][Hi everybody, haven't posted anything in a long time, just wanted to let everybody know I'm not dead or anything. I'm in a bit of a dark funk, however, as I haven't dressed now for quite a long time (last December to be exact). Turns out my wife wasn't as into it as she initially put on that she was. So, everything's on hold until I figure out what to do about this matter - can't leave her, love her way too much. I didn't think CD'ing was such a big deal, she didn't initially raise any objections to it, but it only took a couple of times for her to look and act "creeped out" about the whole thing, which took away a great deal of my enthusiasm for doing it. Don't get me wrong, I'd still love to get "in character" a lot, but I can't enjoy it if she doesn't like it - know what I mean? Oh well, just wanted to say "hi" and wish my best to all. Later and God bless. [/COLOR][/SIZE]

[Anita Mae GG]

I agree with carol ann, but why is it that the males always have to sacrifice to keep the females happy? I hope some of the gg's sacrifice for the males!

ALWAYS have to sacrifice for us? We sacrifice in many ways related to cding and not. I sacrifice for my kids DAILY......

As far as cding goes......I was brought into this CLOSET when my hubby came clean to me. I cannot talk to anyone in my day to day life about this (outside of the wonderful gg's here) I do not have "person" I can talk to face to face about any issues or feelings I have. THAT alone is sacrifice enough. I have been asked to carry around this secret for the rest of my life and if I have "iffy" feelings about it I cannot call my best friend and discuss it....SACRIFICE.

I have sacrificed my traditional image of a husband and in return have gotten something better but my life as I knew it is no longer....I have been thrust into an unfamiliar world to fend for myself and try and survive the best I know how. THAT is sacrifice.

CDers sacrifice too and so do we....it's called MARRIAGE! LOVE! COMMITTMENT!!

Just remember, some of you have had years to think about and internally address your cding issues....we have not. Most of us were sucked into this vortex without warning....how about we get the same courteousy of YEARS to adjust and familiarize ourselves with this world?

BTW< don't be sorry for your opinion Skinny. Some may not agree but that is what life is all about. Don't be afraid to speak your mind

[Anita Mae GG]

Randi,
Don't let your wifes lack of interest stop you from enjoying cding. She does nto have to participate if she doesns't want to.

Listen to Kathy's post...right on the money. Good analogy Kath!

Good luck!

[ShortSkirt]

Randi

I want to get this thread back on topic....

I have met and known several cd's like yourself. If their wife is not showing enthusiasm or excitement or does not seem into it, the desire even though within you has a hard time finding it's way to the surface.....

But think about this in other ways.....okay, I am really, really into tennis. I take lessons, play on sevearl different leagues, get all excited when I find some deal on a racket. I also like to watch the big Opens on television and go to the Masters we have locally. But sometimes now I have to sort of put tennis on the back burner because I am a stay at home Mom, and it really is not right to 'make" my husband babysit {4 nights a week}, or miss time away from me when I go play. So I sort of pick and choose, I don't always get what I want. I also realize that him coming to watch me play, although it would be nice is something that he is only "comfortable" with doing maybe once or twice a year. I mean, when it boils down to it, tennis is my passion....not his.

And although he knew this when we first married and actually used to watch me play quiet a bit, eventually his enthusiasm leveled off. It is not that he does not want me to play, but does not care to participate.

I have had to compromise and I am okay with that.

Anyway, the point I am trying to make is our spouses won't always be into the same stuff we are into. And although they may initially seem really enthused, unless they have as much passion for this "thing" as we do, is it really right to expect that same level of passion in return? I really dont' think so. I mean, I knew he was not already into tennis...I mean if I really wanted a guy who was as into tennis as me, well I could have looked for one and not been with my hubby right?

But I also have made an effort to explain how important my 'thing' is to me.

If this is really important to you {to crossdress}, it is your responsibility to explain the level of importance, and then accept that ultimatly this is your need, not hers. And if she won't participate then you do need some time to do your thing. We just can't look to our partners to fullfill every void and need we have inside us. If you "need" her participation to feel good then it almost seems you are putting her in a position which is completely unfair. As unfair as it would be to drag my husband to my tennis matches, sit through Wimbelton, and get excited abuot the sneakers I found on special. I have learned to enjoy my source of "pleasure" without his involvement....you may have to as well.

Good luck ....

Compromise and communication are the magic word's of any relationship.

Randi, have you included your wife, or could she maybe be feeling leftout somehow?

[Kerry Owens]

y'all ask a question, someone will answer...might not be the answer you wanted but it's the communication that begins and continues that makes this forum special.
Don't apologize for asking, or answering...and definitely do not flame just because you don't like the answer. That unpleasant reply jjust might be the key to understanding something down the road for you.
All learning is precious.

[Cheery GG]

Well said Kerry, and and tammy your response is a good one too, and right on the money....

em
x

[sparks]

It's threads like this that actually keep me here! The GG's are fired up and giving me insight to what my wife maybe feeling.

I think we cd's are sometimes very selfish in sastisfying our own needs and forget the torment we've out our soulmates through. When I read threads like this one it really opens my eyes to what she is going through. She makes sacrifices everyday for me. And not just towards my dressing. No she is not supportive of and only a little accepting. But she is supportive of me in just about every decision I make. We have always gotten through the tough times together. And that is the key"together".

I get so wrspped up in my needs that I often forget hers. She also need that shoulder to lean on and weep on. She at times needs to be the helpless female and needs me to take charge of life for awhile. We are a team. It takes two adults to run the household. And yep I do need to grow up and realize that my dressing is not just about me when I often do. Not dressing stresses me out and my dressing stresses her out. There must be some balance in here or we won't survive. In todays world to many couple take the easier road and get divorced. It takes alot of courage to hold a marriage together. Joy Carter said some wise words to me "Your family need you and everthing else can wait." Or something to that extent. The jist is everyhting will fall into it's place in time.

God bless this place! WE all find what we need here. If it's not in a thread somewhere message someone that might know or give the advice you need.

[Sandra]

Well I think the other GGs have got the point across so I will leave it there. peace offering

[gennee]

Randi - the important thing is that you realise that your relationship with your wife is the msot important matter in your life. As long as that reamains the case you won't go far wrong.

if occasionally you need to relieve your tensions by dressing, then do it quietrly without bringing your wife into it. if she finds out - well you can explain that you do not want to hurt her and that is why you stay in the closet. I believe she will accept you for trying to make sacrifices for love of her.

Carol has sound advice. My wife doesn't approve of my dressing, either. I do wear something feminine (usually panties) every day. I dress up with other cd's at a special location. I won't dress in front of my wife because she doesn't like it. I won't press the issue unless she brings up the subject.

Gennee

[Seriosilly GG]

Just to make another point about acceptance from an SO, is it me or does it seem like CDs go up and down with their own experience? I mean its a well established point about binging and purging of a CD, so doesn't that mean that for whatever reason a CD is more accepting of themselves/their crossdressing and other times less?

A lot of really good points have been made here. My suggestion to Randi is educate your wife some more, and go slowly about things from now on. Perhaps in time she will get more used to it and eventually be able to tolerate it. But at the same time, lets be honest she may not. I don't know the extent of your relationship, but I've never seen any couple that didn't have things they don't like about each other-- ranging from stupid things to more serious issues. Good luck.

[WendyCD]

Hey - letting your "play nice" face down is exactly why it's so important to me that you GG's are here. For those who don't or can't talk with SO's - this is so valuable. What we imagine our wives are thinking may be different/worse than what they really are. Most of the guilt I feel, these days, is about the sort of things all of you said - not the xdressing itself, but the impact on my SO... I think this forum will help - Thanx!!

[Anita Mae GG]

It's threads like this that actually keep me here! The GG's are fired up and giving me insight to what my wife maybe feeling.

I think we cd's are sometimes very selfish in sastisfying our own needs and forget the torment we've out our soulmates through. When I read threads like this one it really opens my eyes to what she is going through. She makes sacrifices everyday for me. And not just towards my dressing. No she is not supportive of and only a little accepting. But she is supportive of me in just about every decision I make. We have always gotten through the tough times together. And that is the key"together".

IGod bless this place! WE all find what we need here. If it's not in a thread somewhere message someone that might know or give the advice you need.

AMEN to all the above!!

[HaleyPink2000]

Randi Sis:

Hang in there. I believe it's as some others have said. It's just a thing that will pass. Keep communications open, be attentive, mindful, and observant. She is still the same one you fell in love with. So hold Her hand, and try the date thing with Her. Ask Her out to dinner etc. Send Her flowers, be the Guy She married most of the time. That is what She wants. Make Her first in your life and everything else will fall in place. She knows what you want. She'll figure this out, just give it time. She's worth it.

Hgz.

[ShortSkirt]

The GG's are fired up and giving me insight to what my wife maybe feeling.

Bingo. Thats what I got from this thread as well. Something else I picked up on is, how strongly the women and wives may feel...and not say.

So here's a big thank you to all the women that keep their own discomfort and pain hidden, for us.

[KrazyKat]

I have to add one thing that's part of the whole communiction thingy, something that took me severeal marriages and relationships to figure out that what I was reading in self-help books, magazines, other resources is sooooo true!!
We, as humans, can't really read each others minds, can we??
We learn to read body language, and such, but I, personally, spent so much time beating myself up imaging what the other person was thinking, when I wasn't even close. When I found the courage, and the insight and experience of how to communicate what I was thinking, I found that all that stress was over much quicker, and through talking, usually a satisfactory compromise can be reached. It's very difficult to find the words sometimes. HaleyPink, I like your thinking, too!! Getting back to basics, like the first year you were together helped Karen and I come back together and get over some bumps!! Have fun like kids, every chance you get!! Like Trudi said, life is short, enjoy it together! also Kat

[~Kitty GG~]

I read a lot of the posts and wonder why some couples are together.

I wonder, if they aren't enjoying their lives together.. or if one or the other side feels soooo put upon.. Why stay together, but not find a solution?

I see people saying "I love him/her.. he/she's my soulmate.. " and yet here they are whining and verbally bashing that object of their affection.

I see two possible solutions.

1. fix the relationship. find a way for both parties to get what they need and be happy together.

2. get out and let each of you find someone they can be happy with.

I think that for most couples #1 would work. But what's happening now is that they're not working on the relationship but are blaming the CDing or the unaccepting partner for all the trouble. They go off and get their release through dressing or through denial. Leaving the core problem untouched.

The CDing isn't the big bad guy here. And the wife isn't the big bad guy here. We pretty much all accept that CDing or being TS is not going to go away. But are we finding out WHY the unaccepting wives aren't able to accept? And are we working on a solution that addresses both parties needs? Are the CD's looking inward and really finding out what they need so that they have a clear vision of what they need from a relationship and what they have to offer?

Its easier to dress up (even if its in secret) and feel better for the time being.. and its easier to pretend that its not really happening (even if we know where the stash of lingerie is) and our husband is exactly who we thought we married. But is it loving to either our spouse or ourselves?



Yes it takes effort. It may take outside help.

And the final answer might be that you're actually stopping eachother from being happy simply by being together.


I now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~

[Anita Mae GG]

WELL SAID KITTY!!!

[btmgrl6]

a few days ago I posted a thread called "what if" It basically asked that we "put the shoe on the other foot" I got a lot of interesting replys. Not as many gg's as I'd hoped, but good response overall.
The gist was for us to totally swap places with our SO"s. A lot of cd's replied in cd mode, not gm mode......a lot totally missed the point. Now I wonder.

Stepf

[tullyxxx]

[SIZE="4"][Hi everybody, haven't posted anything in a long time, just wanted to let everybody know I'm not dead or anything. I'm in a bit of a dark funk, however, as I haven't dressed now for quite a long time (last December to be exact). Turns out my wife wasn't as into it as she initially put on that she was. So, everything's on hold until I figure out what to do about this matter - can't leave her, love her way too much. I didn't think CD'ing was such a big deal, she didn't initially raise any objections to it, but it only took a couple of times for her to look and act "creeped out" about the whole thing, which took away a great deal of my enthusiasm for doing it. Don't get me wrong, I'd still love to get "in character" a lot, but I can't enjoy it if she doesn't like it - know what I mean? Oh well, just wanted to say "hi" and wish my best to all. Later and God bless. [/COLOR][/SIZE]

hi hang in there dont give up had same problem maybe as much but first wife didnt mind me dressing but i never felt relaxed . so much so i was getting up tight leadint to fights and me drinking to much to kill the pain . but now new wife fantastic can do as i please we understand each other she dosent want sex and i can have all the fun i like if you want a pal to cry on feel welcome love grace

[alexis GG]

Hi Randi, after readin your thread which my partner, The Fallen Angel, pointed out to me, I felt I just had to add my bit. I may seem ignorant to your circumstances but I presume your wife has a lack of understanding to why people want to cross dress?! Why not introduce her to this site? It may help your situation. Though I have no doubt that someone has already suggested this to you. It was just a thought. Take care and good luck.
alexis35

[ChrisX]

Knowing that it was a pretty big deal for a potential girlfriend much less a potential wife, I told the woman I would end up marrying about my desire to crossdress early in our relationship while we were dating.

About once or twice a year, before and after we were married, she'd let me wear something in the bedroom. Less frequently we'd have brief conversations about it.

Otherwise I was "discrete," limiting my dressing to times when she got home from work after I did or when she went out. That wasn't my "dream come true", but we were very happy in the other areas of our marriage.

After over a decade of marriage we recently had some more extended discussions over the past few weeks and have reached the conclusion that she has a strong aversion to being exposed to my crossdressing in any way. Her strong aversion is no more likely to go away than is my strong desire to crossdress.

We have agreed that "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"/"keep it discrete" will be our final answer on the subject, including the agreement not to rehash the issue since there is no reasonable chance of either of us changing who were are in regard to this topic at this point in our lives. We've decided that this agreement is the worst possible one we could have made except all the others we could think of.

There are no issues related to kids or religion: she is very liberal with her only "moral" rules being no kids, no animals and--for us--no other people. I had always hoped this open-mindedness would lead to a greater acceptance over time of my crossdressing, and I believe her when she says that she sincerely hoped the same thing. Instead, we discovered that it is something that she will never be comfortable with at all.

There's a big difference between hearing from your spouse "I'm not interested in participating in your hobby" and being told fairly clearly "I have a such a strong aversion to your behavior in this gender/sex area--which we know is a more important area than most--that I must ask you not to expose me to it in any way, ever." I don't fault her, but it still hurts anyway.

There's also a big difference between "even if the odds aren't great, I can still hope she might really accept this part of me" and "I have no hope her aversion to this part of me will ever change". Again, I know it's not her fault, but the loss of hope is not trivial to me.

I love her, I know that our marriage will survive and I understand that her aversion is really no more a choice for her than my desire to crossdress is for me, but I'm still not real happy with the way things worked out.