Reasons to not come out?

[Siobhan Marie]

There have been numerous posts about coming out in general, and particularly to your SO. All of the reasons are valid of course and I believe that any of us M2F or F2M in any “category” would prefer to be open about who and what we are, free of all the negatives. However, there are many, many reasons for staying closeted, and they are equally valid. Here are a few of my thoughts and please add to them.

While a few of these are ones personal to me, others are not.

Love of family and friends. To come out could or would destroy these relationships. Contrary to popular opinion, not all relationships can withstand our gender issues. It becomes a personal choice to hide this aspect of our lives.

Career. Again, many (particularly those who are older) are well established in careers and putting our CDing out there would halt it from any further advancement or ostracize us from many of our coworkers. Not all organizations have diversity policies. This of course could render us ineffective in our ability to perform.

Self Esteem. We simply have not the confidence in ourselves to put ourselves out there.

Safety. Like it or not we are lumped into the category of being gay by homophobics.

Privacy. Simply this is our deeply personal lifestyle (if you want to call it that) and we have absolutely no desire to share it with anyone. Period.

Comfort. “I am comfortable with who I am and see no reason to involve others.” Selfish or fact?

Please add to this list. I am sure there are many more reasons.

with everything you have said Kimberley and can add no more to it, even though I have commented on this before.

Anna x

[Allie931]

I definatly agree with you on those reasons...

The biggest one for me at the moment is my relationship with my GF

All though all those reasons are good, i would be more comfortable with myself if i could come out.... its just a very hard decision

[immike]

Lucinda;I am a 42 yr old single,unmarried crossdresser.I would be petrified
to be found out by family,but kids would be the worst.I am a closet
crossdresser,and I am guilty of wearing my mothers clothes,namely her
dresses,heels,etc.I am further guilty of dressing in her good business suits
and silk blouses,with pantyhose&heels.

[Michelle_cd_girl]

I worry about my kids, and perhaps moreso about my stepkids and the potential fallout from their father who would be naturally homophobic and potentially ballistic. My wife knew about my alter ego before we were married, so it's a real relief that part is not an issue for me.

Although my young daughters would love to see me in a princess getup, I think the boys would feel betrayed, confused, and like they had lost a male role model, and they lack the experience and wisdom to process it.

I have come out to a couple of longstanding male friends as well, who were very accepting.

I guess in being selective and coming out in a controlled environment to a select group, you can have support without all the fear.

Michelle

[Ms. Donna]

The more we hide, the greater the likelyhood we will be discovered: eventually, all secrets become know - intentionally or not.

If you choose to share this part of your self, it is on your terms: you are in control the situation. If, however, it is not your choice, then someone else is in control - not you. The best for which you can hope is to mitigate the damage as you will have lost the advantage.

The art of war teaches us to rely not on the likelihood of the
enemy's not coming, but on our own readiness to receive him;
not on the chance of his not attacking, but rather on the fact
that we have made our position unassailable.

-- Sun Tzu --

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[michellecd9999]

I have not told my wife because, while I don't think she would leave me, I think it would cause some problems in our relationship and would put a lot of stress on her. I would NOT tell my sons or other family. I would not come out to anyone that knows my male side. I would (and have) come out to other CDers in the area at a Tri-ess meeting, but none of them know my male side.

[carol ann]

Kimberley

I am with you 100%.

[Sky]

Love of family and friends. To come out could or would destroy these relationships. Contrary to popular opinion, not all relationships can withstand our gender issues. It becomes a personal choice to hide this aspect of our lives.

While your list is already comprehensive, I'd like to add a point to the "destroy the relationship" concept: our wives / girlfriends / significant others did not choose us for how great we looked in pantyhose. While some may think it's only natural for us to come out and let her know what we kept in our closet for all these years, she has all the right to feel betrayed. I'm not saying she "has to", as many cd's maintain a healthy relationship after coming out to their SOs, but she has the right to. To believe otherwise is to be selfish: "well, she has to understand and love me for what I am". Not really, unless you had the balls to tell her the moment you met her, in which case she would have had the option to say "no, thanks!" and run away.

[~Kitty GG~]

If you asked me, I would move out pretty soon but I'm not really aggressive enough to seek a job (part of my girly personality), and pretty easygoing anyway. I usually stay home and do creative stuff like writing.

I think if that's a "girly trait" 99% of people would profess to be girls if it means none of us have to accept the responsiblities of being adults and making a living.

I don't see sponging off others as a girly trait.

~Kitty~

[Cheery GG]

I live at home with parents that are kinda unenlightened about the whole matter (and don't know I dress) and think crossdressers are the same as gays. 0.02 If you asked me, I would move out pretty soon but I'm not really aggressive enough to seek a job (part of my girly personality), and pretty easygoing anyway. I usually stay home and do creative stuff like writing.

I am quite upset by your remark to be honest....im sick of standing on the side lines here and watching gg's be ripped to peices.....i do believe you are getting mixed up with the words ...'aggresive'...and 'assertive'.....

Being aggresive gets you nowhere in life, absolutely nowhere, it just makes enemies.....however being assertive can and does make positive differences if used in the correct manner at the right time and place.

maybe you should consider educating yourself....on basic english....for a start and then maybe educating your parents too, on the reasons why men need to crossdress......

If you think being a gg or being a woman or being 'girly' as you put it means that we cant get jobs or get through life because we are not aggresive is a completely incorrect statemtn in your part.

I, for one have two children, have had to rebuild my life twice due to failed relationships....and am now single handedly raising two children and studying for a batechelor of science degree.....So dont tell me because i am a woman that i get cope with agrresion.....

Always cheery
xx

[Sky]

I am quite upset by your remark to be honest....im sick of standing on the side lines here and watching gg's be ripped to peices.....i do believe you are getting mixed up with the words ...'aggresive'...and 'assertive'.....

You're being a little too hard on bulma. He seems to be a young person, still closeted, a little insecure of where are things going now, and that is a condition the vast majority of us can relate to, at least at some point in our lives. If he is fully closeted he may need somebody to talk to, and that's what this forum is for. And I don't believe he had any intention to rip gg's to pieces.

[Sharon]

Well..., Bulma did say creative writing was an interest, and, besides, this particular member hasn't been on site since the post was placed a month ago.

Maybe she's studying to enter high school this coming Autumn?

[connie rotten]

The closet can be a thrilling place to go. The whole suspence of it is the risk of your secret getting out. Gving up that much totally selfish fun is a lot to ask.

[Sky]

Well..., Bulma did say creative writing was an interest, and, besides, this particular member hasn't been on site since the post was placed a month ago.

Maybe she's studying to enter high school this coming Autumn?

Which raises the never-ever answered question: how much of what we read here is true?

I have to leave now, just got a call from Hollywood to replace Angelina in a movie.

[Tamara Croft]

I would move out pretty soon but I'm not really aggressive enough to seek a job (part of my girly personality), and pretty easygoing anyway.

I could think of other ways to phrase this, but I'd have to ban myself

I can't add anything more to what Kimberly has said, but I think the main fear is losing ones family/job. I first heard my Tam say this last year and it was quite heart renching listening to him on the radio saying how coming out could affect his life.

[Stormgirl]

You're in the military?