Questions from a mum

[, LouiseW]

Hi, I have some questions that I hope you can answer or offer some kind of opinion.
Some of you may have read my other posts relating to my teenage son and how to approach talking about his crossdressing.

So, is crossdressing a daily thing for you or would it be if you had the opportunity?

Is it a private thing for you, do other members of your household know or do you wish they knew? Would life be better and happier if you could openly dress.

I have discovered "under dressing" in my research and although I understand the concept I wonder how helpful that is in managing the need to crossdress. Is it a compromise or really good way of day to day dressing.

Finally if you are not able to present as female outside of your home do you generally dress from head to toe when you get home or would you get home and just change your trousers for a skirt?

[kimdl93]

Louise, there are a range of possible answers to each of your questions. Some cross dressers prefer to keep this aspect a secret and prefer to engage in cross dressing in private, while others crave the opportunity to express themselves more openly. Underdressing is very common and may be satisfactory in and of itself or for others, as a way to crossdress while preserving the secret. And as for dressing from head to toe, you will get as many answers as responses.

The best answers will come from your son. He may be shy or embarrassed to talk. In that case, just let him know you are always there to talk and will be supportive of him. If he is more willing to talk, then the two of you can discuss what feels right to him at this time.

The teenage years are a time for exploration, for trying things on, sometimes literally. He will be a very fortunate person if he can engage in his exploration in a safe, supportive, and shame-free environment.

[Genifer Teal]

A good way for you to start is to create a friendly environment, a safe space. Let your child know it's s okay to be how they want without actually coming out and saying it. There's no way to take away the awkwardness from any direct conversation with your child. Any time you show obvious support it will be suspected as intentional. It's best to keep it indirect. Kinda like how people's general comments can give you an idea of their political feelings without them. Actually saying this is how I feel politically. Know that any time the subject matter comes up in anything in real life. Whether it be watching the news a TV program. A movie whatever they will likely scrutinize your reaction to see if you are supportive.

You have to figure out what they want kind of without asking and let them know it's okay without knowing what they want to be okay. How you treat others will be an example of how you will treat them in this particular situation. If they see you are generally accepting of things that are different and people just being themselves, they will feel more comfortable being themselves around you without you coming out and saying, I really don't care how you wanna dress. If you did say that it would be kind of awkward.

If underdressing works, I suppose it could be helpful. It seems like a compromise to me. Another way of reinforcing we need to hide this.

This brings us to another question which is also not good to ask. What is the point of all this? What is the goal. It's probably unknown at this point. Trying to figure it out, Might be too much at an early stage.

This is where I will suggest the idea of counseling. I was dead set against it in my teens and I never actually went to any formal counseling . In retrospect. I can say that I figured a lot out on my own over time and it has worked out okay for me. Nothing in that moment could have convinced me that counseling was the right idea back then. looking back if counseling got me to the same end result sooner I would have saved a lot of time. Time is something we can't get back. To go through this and be younger could have led me on a different path. I always think what that path might have been.

This brings us to the even bigger question. When is too soon to help a child figure this out? We can say that Dealing with this at an older age necessitates a lot of undoing when transition becomes the goal. Sorting this out at a younger age Can make that an easier process.

There's nothing to suggest how far your child wants to take this. Just a thought if that turns out to be in the future. Best of luck trying to sort this out And decide how to be a helpful parent yet not too helpful.

[SaraLin]

Louise, I'll try to answer your questions - from my point of view.
I'm sure you'll get a lot of responses, and all from differing perspectives.

So, is crossdressing a daily thing for you or would it be if you had the opportunity?
I'm always in panties, and sleep in a nightie.
It would definitely be more, but my wife and I negotiated what's OK and what's not, before we made anything permanent.


Is it a private thing for you, do other members of your household know or do you wish they knew?
My wife knows. My sister knows. I have a couple friends who know. There are a few others who I have lost contact with over the years.
I can't say that I wish that others know, but it sure would be nice if I didn't feel the need to keep it private

Would life be better and happier if you could openly dress.
yes - in a fantasy world. The real world is different
At home, I positively love what freedom I do have.

I have discovered "under dressing" ...<snip>... Is it a compromise or really good way of day to day dressing.
It's different for everyone. I hardly ever wear "boy" undies, and it helps me. I can't really say why. It just does.
and yes - for me, it's a compromise.

Do you generally dress from head to toe when you get home or would you get home and just change your trousers for a skirt?
I'm basing my response on the days when I lived alone, and had freedom to do what i wanted.
I'd have to say "it varies."
Some days, I wanted to see nothing less than a woman looking back at me from the mirror.
Other days, it just seemed like just a skirt or something would do.
Still others, it was "why bother?" and I'd stay in my male things till bedtime.
Back then, I was VERY deeply in the closet and lived in dread of being discovered. I never ventured outside.

Bless you for your love and support for your child. We should all be so lucky.

[bridget thronton]

Everyone is different - but here are my answers to these four questions

Cross dressing is close to every day for me
My family knows (my daughter, granddaughter, and wife live with me) - life is better without hiding
I wear panties all the time (but do not wear a bra or stockings under my boy clothes)
I would rather dress fully when I get home (but sometimes just adding a skirt is enough)

[Suzie Petersen]

Hi Louise,

Those are great questions for you to ask and I am happy to offer my perspective on this.
I do want to start out say that, this is going to be long and you will likely get many responses!

A couple of things up front:
1: The answers will depend on the age of the person, and since a lot of us here are getting a little older, and we unfortunately do not have a lot of young people saying much, you might get some differing ideas from this.
2: We are all very different in our needs and in how we deal with this!

"So, is crossdressing a daily thing for you or would it be if you had the opportunity?"
My wife of 40 years does not approve of this, so no it is not a daily thing for me, far from it. She used to be tolerant of it, but it was still not daily and I did not need it to be. Back then maybe a couple times a month, sometimes a lot less.
If I had the opportunity, well at the moment I do as I am away from home and have a house to myself. I have a couple recent posts about that, including in the Pictures area which I don't know if you have access to yet. You need to make 10 posts to get there and other areas.
This might be the last time in my life that I have an opportunity like this, so in all honesty, I am taking advantage of that and have been dressing and living as a female 24/7 the last 4 weeks.
If I did not have the restrictions, I would likely spend a day dressed maybe 1 or 2 times a week, but it would all depend on what else was going on.

As a 14 year old, thinking back, it was not very often I could dress, maybe once a month, but again all depending, and always sneaking around. As I got older the need changed in both directions, there were years in a row where I did not feel the need, and other times where I could not stop thinking about it.
I hate to admit it, but to this day, if I suddenly realize I will have the house to myself for any amount of time, even 10 minutes, the very first thought in my head is that I could dress if I wanted. It is very powerful.

Over the years this need has had a huge impact on me and on those around me, without them knowing it. The things I have done to create opportunities for me to dress up is just crazy. I know I have missed out on a lot of things like family time, time with colleagues on business trips, and many other things. If I had had the freedom to just incorporate the girl side and just do these things but presenting as a female without any judgement, I would have had a much better life.


"Is it a private thing for you, do other members of your household know or do you wish they knew? Would life be better and happier if you could openly dress."
Because of the stigma associated with this through my lifetime, it has always been a big secret that had to be protected at all cost. As you can read in other threads here, the consequences of getting found out can/could be enormous, and for some of is they have been absolutely traumatic.
The suicide rate within the TG community is high and many of us have lost friends to this, all because of other peoples lack of willingness to understand us. Sorry to bring this up, but it is unfortunately part of the equation you are trying to solve.

I told my wife to be about this 2 weeks after we started dating. She was fine with it, even enthusiastic, but over the following 10 years that changed dramatically. At this point we cannot talk about it and completely denies it ever being there. While I have tried to stop, I just can't. It is very powerful and even though I can make my self not act on the need, it is always there.
Yes, for me life would be a lot better and I believe I would be a better husband, father, friend actually. I think I would allow myself to express feelings, cry when I needed to, be more involved with my wife and with others. As it is, I tend to internalize feelings and button up emotions completely. I am of course (tongue in cheek) the one who has to remain in control and cannot afford to be seen as weak, ever, right!

Growing up, nobody knew and for many years I did not know that any other boys had similar feelings and needs. I may have been in my 20's before I realized I was not alone in the world! Think about that for a moment.
I honestly don't know what it would have been like if I had the freedom to chose to dress and act like a girl sometimes, without restrictions and condemnation! My life would likely have turned out very differently and I could see myself having lived large parts of my life as a girl/woman. Not that I am unhappy being a male, not at all, but given the easy option to explore, I think I would have.


"I have discovered "under dressing" in my research and although I understand the concept I wonder how helpful that is in managing the need to crossdress. Is it a compromise or really good way of day to day dressing."
Many of us do underdress somewhere between Now and Then and Daily. For some it is the only thing they do, for others it is not worth it and doesn't do much, for some it is just fun.
I have underdressed a number of times years ago, to the point of wearing all female under garments under my suit and in front of important people. It was exciting, but for me it was just fun because "If only they knew", but it didn't fill my need to "be" a girl/woman.
Growing up I would do it sometimes, but not often as I remember. Right this moment, I don't remember when I last did.


"Finally if you are not able to present as female outside of your home do you generally dress from head to toe when you get home or would you get home and just change your trousers for a skirt?"
I have gone out fully dressed many many times through my life and in a number of countries, starting as a teenager and continuing for years. Because of the stress on my wife, I stopped going out as a female several years ago, but the desire is always there. For a while, which is part of what drove my wife over the edge, I had a social life as Suzie, was getting together with CD/TG friends several times a year, would go to a CD/TG conference some times, and other times I would just spend a day as a woman and go do something. I even for a while was helping this older couple with chores around the house and whatever they struggled to do them selves, sometimes just visiting with them, and I don't actually think they ever knew I was not a woman.
I absolutely loved those times and it gave me so much, but it had to stop.
During this trip right now, again possibly the last time in my life, I am considering finding time to spend a day out and go to the ZOO or a museum or something. Not sure if I will yet, but it is very tempting.

If I had the option anytime, I think I would sometimes come home and change to woman's clothes and , most importantly, to my female presentation, attitude, and mindset, for the rest of the day, but because it for me is important to present completely as a female, it takes some time to both get into and out of the role, so most days it would not be worth it. I would more likely pick times when I could spend a whole day or maybe two and just shift to girl mode.
I do now and then, if there is a short window of opportunity, wear a pair of my heels or boots with otherwise male clothing, simply because I so enjoy the sensation of high heels. But never any other single articles on their own.

Growing up, I think again if there were no restrictions at home, but the world outside would not understand, I think I would have changed completely rather often when I got home.
Being young again today, and with the option at home but not free to go outside, I dont know but likely change quite often at home as well.

If the world was totally accepting (wishful thinking for a moment), and being young or old, I would likely be a very feminine male and often be just doing my thing but presenting as a female.


This is going to be a lot for you to take in, and you really have to think through the replies you get, including mine, and pick and chose what you feel matches your situation. It is not a one size fits all, and the world is not accepting, no matter how much we all want it to be getting at least a little better.


EDIT: Oh and one more thing: This is something that develops over time, and as a young person, we just don't know what it is or what it means to us. To this day I still have no clue why I feel like this, or what it actually means, and I have yet to hear anybody, Anybody, explain it to me.
When my wife to be asked me what it meant to me and for us, I could only answer from what I knew at the time, but of course, I didn't know that I just didn't know!
So when she later said "But you told me this, now it is different" I had not been lying to her, I simply didn't know the whole truth at the time.
Keep that in mind when you talk to your son. He likely knows a lot more about this than most of us did at his age, but he doesn't know yet what it actually is or means to him.


All the best
Suzie

[Keremy]

Thanks Mum for reaching out and sharing and asking.

Can I first say that crossdressing is not the same for any of us. Some are trans somewhere on the journey to some just like the feel of nylons or under dressings but are still fully male and everything in between. Some will never have to desire to go out in public and some will freely do so. I would encourage you to allow him to guide you. My concern as I look at our current culture is that the open acceptance of people may be turning people into people they are not.

From when I was in preschool until now I have always loved to wear certain articles of women?s clothing. Probably would have worn them out in public if it was culturally acceptable but never felt the need to wear shape wear or forms. Yes I like to wear dresses, panties, nylons, and heels. but I am a fully heterosexual man with a well groomed beard and able to do hard labor all day down in the dirt and grease and would never have wanted to change that.

You asked ?Would life be better and happier if you could openly dress.? Probably for all of us the answer is ?yes? because it is who we are inside. My mom has seen me dressed but we have that kind of relationship. I have the best dad anyone could ask for but I don?t feel the need to share my crossdressing with him. I don?t know if mom told him but it?s not part of his and mine relationship.

To conclude let your son guide you. What is it in him to do. Is he trans stating on a journey or simply a man that likes to wear women?s clothing and is still fully male. I don?t mean for you to stand aside and let him make blunders that will hurt him. You are the parent and have years of experience to help guide that he will need in this beautiful journey we call life. Help keep him safe from himself. Clearly you love him. Just as if he were a daughter if she was going out in public in something unacceptable, didn?t fit or go together you would say something, right? Same for your son. Let him tell you who he is and guide him through that.

I hope I don?t sound like a know it all cause I?m not these are my thoughts and opinions. Listen to advice from those whose opinions you respect and do what you know is right in your situation.

Love and hugs
Keremy

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Sorry for all the long responses but you ask some deep thinking questions!

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Sorry for all the long responses but you ask some deep thinking questions!

[Jenn A116]

Some really good questions here. You'll likely get a large range of responses some of which may or may not apply to your son. For what it's worth, I'll give my answers:

So, is crossdressing a daily thing for you or would it be if you had the opportunity? No, for me it's a once or twice a month kind of thing. That's basically because of other real-life considerations. If it weren't for those, it would be more frequently but definitely not a daily thing.

Is it a private thing for you, do other members of your household know or do you wish they knew? Would life be better and happier if you could openly dress. It's fairly private for me. Basically, it's just me and my wife. We are both retired and live in our own home. I'm not out to the neighbors. I'm comfortable with the situation as is.

I have discovered "under dressing" in my research and although I understand the concept I wonder how helpful that is in managing the need to crossdress. Is it a compromise or really good way of day to day dressing. I don't under dress so my response is that I think it's a compromise.

if you are not able to present as female outside of your home do you generally dress from head to toe when you get home or would you get home and just change your trousers for a skirt? I do occasionally go out presenting as female outside the house. When I do that it go all the way with the intention to blend in with the rest of the female population in that particular venue. So, clothing that is comfortable, fits my augmented shape well, and is something that any lady would wear for the occasion. On days when I do dress at home is usually a full outfit but I skimp on the hair/makeup aspect.

Hoping you are finding our feedback helpful. Just remember that we are all different and so is your son.

[Michelle1955]

In your 1st post gives me some insight.
I suspect this started at a very young age.
Ie before puberty, so possible some deep issues.
But there are many possibilities it is an individual thing.

Daily may 2 cents probably wants to underdress daily.
But number of factors prevent daily.

Myself/my belief:
Started at a very young age like 4 or 5. While at a neighbor house my friend and I switched underwear and panties in her bedroom.
So 1st crossdressing experience.
But before that I do believe it was in my brain long before that age.


Always dreamed / desire to be a girl.
Puberty was extremely hard on me, my brain said I basically was in the wrong body.
Ie should have been female.

Married many years, 2 kids, grandkids.
Do I still feel in the wrong body:yes 64 years later.
I accept my condition, I will say my pacifier is wearing panties every day.
And my love for bras / forms helps on bad days is my medicine.

[Jasmine23]

Hi Louise,
Firstly everyone is different, for some just wearing panties from time to time is enough, while others will have a complete makeover when they get the chance. For me, when I was a teenager it was always whenever I got the opportunity, house to myself for a few hours, would try on some of my older sisters clothes and shoes, did attempt make-up if I knew I had plenty of time. I was always careful to return everything to its place. Sometimes I might dress up a few times a week, other times maybe once a month, depending on my urge or if I had the opportunity. I often fantasised about my sisters giving me a proper makeover, but, in reality I'd have hated if my sisters or mum knew.

Personally I'd have died of embarrassment and felt humiliated if my mum asked if I was crossdressing, he's not doing anything that's causing anyone any harm, so it's not something you should really worry about, just let him continue in ignorant bliss, maybe make it easier for him to dress up, e.g. subtly leave some clothes out, don't make it obvious and give him more time to dress up. Unless you think it's affecting him negatively, don't bring it up and if you do, emphasise that you're OK with him crossdressing and that you'll support and help in anyway you can, maybe ask if he wants his own clothes, make-up or makeover etc., don't involve other family members unless he's OK with this.

In an ideal world we could all dress as we please, but, unfortunately that's not possible for most. I think if I could dress up when I liked I'd probably get it out of my system completely, but, part of the attraction is that it's forbidden or taboo.

[Cheryl T]

So, is crossdressing a daily thing for you or would it be if you had the opportunity?

When I began many, many years ago it was something that was only possible on occasion as no one knew and I felt no one could know. My clothing was very limited and I got to enjoy dressing on rare occasions when I was alone for enough time. Fast forward to 20 years ago and my coming out to my wife completely. She was willing to try to understand and accept and said I could dress when I desired. Due to family constraints and work that was once or twice a week possibly.
Now being 20 years into this with her and being retired I dress nearly every day. It does not interfere with other things. Some aspects of our life require me to present as male, such as family interactions and that has never been an issue. I no longer feel such things to be an interruption as I know I can dress when ever I desire.

Is it a private thing for you, do other members of your household know or do you wish they knew? Would life be better and happier if you could openly dress.

It was a private thing for a very long time. Now my wife is as much a part of this as anything else in our lives and it makes it so much better. We talk about clothing, makeup, decorating and many other things that I could never show interest in for fear someone would be led to believe I was a crossdresser. We shop together and have taken "girls only" vacations. I'm free to be me in all things and it has removed the last traces of guilt and shame I felt for so many year.
I do openly dress, both at home and in public and it has made me happier. We are social creatures and need the interaction with others. This is true no matter how we are dressed, but for me there was a definite drive to be around others while dressed, especially around others who dress.

I have discovered "under dressing" in my research and although I understand the concept I wonder how helpful that is in managing the need to crossdress. Is it a compromise or really good way of day to day dressing.

Underdressing was something I did early on. Not having many opportunities to fully dress it gave me at least a "taste" of dressing. There was also a bit of excitement, not from the clothing but from the knowledge that I was wearing something feminine, be it panties, pantyhose or whatever and that no one knew. All that is gone now. I do wear panties only and have for 20 years so I don't consider it underdressing. Also, the majority of clothing I own are from the women's section. All my sock, jeans, most t-shirts, etc are women's. It's what I wear every day so it's no longer underdressing it's just my clothing.
Underdressing does provide a way to have some of the experience when you can't have it all. For many it is a compromise, for many it is all they do.

Finally if you are not able to present as female outside of your home do you generally dress from head to toe when you get home or would you get home and just change your trousers for a skirt?

I am able to present outside the home and do frequently. At home I am either in male or female mode. I do not mix the two as you suggested by just wearing a skirt. The only variation for me is that dressing at home I didn't find it "necessary" to wear a wig or makeup. I don't wander about finding every mirror in the house. My wife however said once "you need hair". That's because of that darn male pattern baldness in my genes. I can't grow my hair or I would and be done with wigs for the most part. If I don't wear a wig she sees Me dressed in women's clothes while I don't feel that way. Now I wear one of my wigs all the time when I'm dressed so that she can see Cheryl and not feel strange about my dressing.
I am someone who is basically all in. I don't mix gender styles like just donning a skirt. It's not what this means for me. I've always wanted to be female, although I don't believe that I feel I am. I'm still working through this part of my life.

I hope this helps you in some way. Acceptance isn't always something we can provide, support is.

[Suzie Petersen]

Louise,

Just thought on another thing you can do without any negative implications.

If you don't already, make it a habit to call home and let who ever is home know that you are on your way. Make him do the same thing, just basically use the opportunity to check in with each other and let the other(s) know when you expect to arrive.
It is a good habit regardless, but in your case, if he knows he can ALWAYS (important!) expect to know when you will arrive then he doesn't have to stress about it and knows how much time he has available.
Keep a calendar with your schedule, and just make it a good habit that you all are up on plans and changes to the plans.

For me and I think many others, the fear of someone unexpectedly showing up at the door is the worst thing, especially someone with a key who will be inside seconds after the first sign they are at the door. It makes you paranoid and listening for any little sound, and you end up pacing to windows to always keep a lookout. Without that fear, everything would be so much more relaxed and stress free.

Suzie

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Louise

These can be difficult to answer but I will explain as I answer them.

So, is crossdressing a daily thing for you or would it be if you had the opportunity?

It is now but when I was a teenager it was not possible. Opportunity and social pressures made it difficult.

Is it a private thing for you, do other members of your household know or do you wish they knew? Would life be better and happier if you could openly dress.

I hid this side of me for many years but now all of my close family knows. It was not easy coming out.

I have discovered "under dressing" in my research and although I understand the concept I wonder how helpful that is in managing the need to crossdress. Is it a compromise or really good way of day to day dressing.

I would say its a compromise but would never have done it as a teenager. Its too easy to get caught out if your not careful.

Finally if you are not able to present as female outside of your home do you generally dress from head to toe when you get home or would you get home and just change your trousers for a skirt?

This would depend on time available. It may be just a skirt and top. I would also be thoughtful of how quick I could change, depending on unexpected visitors and what time family members may be due home.


Finally I know this is a lot of information to take in but I hope you find it useful

[sweetdreams]

Hi Louise.

First off congratulations on being open and willing to embrace this side of your son.

Here is my opinion/experience (of course there will be a wide variety of opinions):

So, is crossdressing a daily thing for you or would it be if you had the opportunity?
It's not daily right now. It has changed over time. In my younger years it was very occasional and usually underdressing. Middle ages I wore panties 24/7 for a while (a form of underdressing) and dressed up (dress, stockings, heels, etc.) more occasionally. Then I stopped wearing panties all the time. Now it's more of an occasional thing for me to dress up but I do it more completely. I'm quite a bit older (i.e. retired). I could do it more often but haven't felt the need so it does change/fluctate a bit for me. It comes and goes and I tend to just go with it. Sometimes pink fog can get strong if I haven't dressed for a while.

Is it a private thing for you, do other members of your household know or do you wish they knew? Would life be better and happier if you could openly dress.
Wife knows but no one else. Our children were never aware of this side of me. I didn't feel the need/desire to expose them to this. Being able to openly dress at home, to express this side openly and freely as desired would be ideal. This way it can change over time as needed rather than having some sort of artificial rules and regulations enforced.

I have discovered "under dressing" in my research and although I understand the concept I wonder how helpful that is in managing the need to crossdress. Is it a compromise or really good way of day to day dressing.
Under dressing has been part of my journey. At times it was all that was needed (i.e. wearing panties all the time, occasionally stockings and a garter belt). As I grew into this, it's changed. With maturity, being more accepting and comfortable with dressing I started to super size this by getting into makeup, wigs, and full dress. For me being able to blend and pass has been a goal. Sure underdressing is a bit of a compromise, but it's a lot lower stress and effort than getting fully made up. I still feel a certain draw to underdressing as a low stress way to express this side of me. Underdressing doesn't compare to full dress though. Full dress is awsome. I guess for me there are three levels: underdressing, full dress at home (minus wig and makeup), full game to go out.

Finally if you are not able to present as female outside of your home do you generally dress from head to toe when you get home or would you get home and just change your trousers for a skirt?
At home it tends to be full dress but no wig or makeup. Outside the house, I do all I can to pass/blend. Dressing at home is occasionally (i.e. maybe once a month). Outside is even rarer, usually some sort of special occasion (i.e. Halloween is really a great way to get out in a low stress way - this might be something to keep in mind somewhere down the road).

Hope this helps.....

[Gillian Gigs]

LouiseW, these are very valid questions to ask when desiring to understand where your son may be coming from.

1. CD'ing is a daily thing with me. it has been that way for over 20 years. Question 3 will go into more detail.

2. It is a private thing for me, only my wife knows about it. Life has been much happier/better since I have had the freedom to openly dress at home. My wife is accepting of this part of my life.

3. Underdressing is an essential part of CD'ing for me. My CD'ing started out with lingerie being the major influence for many years in the beginning. Underdressing is the essential ingredient to the whole thing. I have not worn men's underwear in well over 25 years, before that I would go in cycles of 6 weeks to 6 months to a year before, taking a short guilt break. Then I would come back to underdressing with a vengeance. Underdressing was my stabilizing force to me finding my equilibrium.

4. Once I found my equilibrium, I realized that I didn't have to go the whole nine yards. I found the comfort zone I wanted to get the most out of my CD'ing desires. That being, I like wearing nightgowns to bed, I underdress all of the time, and like to wear hosiery, and skirts as often as possible.

If I didn't enjoy the experience, I would have stopped doing it long ago. Considering I have been doing this CD thing for 60+ years, I guess I'm enjoying it!

[Fiona_44]

"...is crossdressing a daily thing for you"

Yes, I live full time as a woman and am out in public doing everything and anything a genetic woman would do. Most of my friends and acquaintances now know me as Fiona.

[Kitty Sue]

Crossdressing has never been a daily thing for me. I generally have gone through phases where I dress, followed by periods where I don't. No specific amount of time with either. I don't believe I would dress every day. Before I married I certainly had the opportunity and I did not dress every day.
I have not dressed fully for about 12 years. Infact I have hardly dressed at all over the last decade. In saying that I am slowly getting back into crossdressing again.

My wife knows I am a crossdresser and bisexual and is supportive. However, she has never seen me dressed and I have no desire to dress around her or my family. I have told several family members I crossdress and that I consider myself bisexual.

I used to underdress a lot. I may do so again, but have not done so in a couple of years now. For me it can help alleviate the need to dress fully.

Before I married I would go out dressed.

No matter what, you and your teenager are not alone.

[Bea_]

So, is crossdressing a daily thing for you or would it be if you had the opportunity?

I started late, in my fifties, with panties and gradually experimented with various items to find where my sweet spot is. Since retiring 6 years ago, I am dressed virtually every day. Dressed for me is as a bearded man wearing various women's clothes. I know that I am not the usual crossdresser on this site but I have no desire to look like a woman.

Is it a private thing for you, do other members of your household know or do you wish they knew?

My wife and my therapist are the only ones who know. I have ventured out in androgynous or hybrid mode and so strangers have seen my style.


Would life be better and happier if you could openly dress.

If general society accepted people like me without so much fear it seems like it would all be good. But, knowing a fairly large number of people would react negatively makes it hard to predict better or happier.


I have discovered "under dressing" in my research and although I understand the concept I wonder how helpful that is in managing the need to crossdress. Is it a compromise or really good way of day to day dressing.

I started dressing by wearing panties and rarely wear men's underwear. It's just the natural choice for underwear so doesn't feel like a compromise.

Finally if you are not able to present as female outside of your home do you generally dress from head to toe when you get home or would you get home and just change your trousers for a skirt?

I have gathered a fairly extensive collection of femme items over the years and I just choose whatever catches my eye on any given day. Like I said, everything is worn "as a guy". I do wear subtle makeup in otherwise male mode and I keep my legs shaved and groom most other body hair. I wear my hair to my shoulder blades and have a full beard.

My assumption is that it's all experimental for your son and he'll slowly come to decide where he fits. He doesn't know enough about himself to make any hard decisions at this point.

[sweetdreams]

I like the point Bea makes (the last sentence). I should have mentioned it in my post above:
Your son will need to experiment a bit with a number of things to see where CDing might fit in his life. At this point he hasn't experienced much and going ahead in life he will probably try a bunch of stuff. At this point he may have only tried wearing a few lingerie type of items.

• There's a question of frequency.
• There's a question of extent (Is it underdressing or is it more out in the open. Is it just in the privacy of his room or beyond. Is it just lingerie or does it extend to dresses, skirts, wigs, makeup, etc.).
• There's a question of keeping it in the house versus taking it out in public.
• There's a question of keeeping it very private (in the closet). This might involve discomfort in sharing this with his mom too. This could be something you will have to work on. He might just shut down when you bring it up. Many of us have guilt and shame around CDing. It takes time and patience to grow into accepting this, even for those of us who do it.
• There might even be a question of transition (sex change).

Any and all of these things can change over time. They won't necessarily be static, likely won't be decided once and done.

[Opdresser]

Hi. Unfortunately I have not seen earlier posts and don?t know much about your circumstances. However, i started dressing?at home when alone in my teens. I would very much liked to have shared it with my mom. At that age I had no desire to go out in public? just dress at home.
I started dressing again about 10 years ago though still only occasionally. I would like to go out dressed now but circumstances make it difficult. I hope this is helpful

[Philipa Jane]

With much respect to the GG's who have posted here I fear that you as mothers are looking at this as though you have the special knowledge of what goes through our heads.

Some things you have said ring true.
To be in possession of clothes that have not come from within the household has the implication that they have been acquired through nefarious means. Shop lifted or stolen from a washing line.
The suggestion that this has a sexual component could also be true due to his age. However as was stated he has been trying on clothes from an early age which gives rise to the idea that he prefers girls clothes for another reason.

Does he gravitate to boy sports and are his main friends boys? How does he interact with girls as friends.
The reason I am asking is that as a young boy I was in his position.
At an early age I tried on my sisters clothes and as I grew to big for those, my mothers. I never got caught but the guilt and fear about what I was doing was always in the back of the mind.
I had a hidden cache as well.

Because of the lack of knowledge I had no idea about crossdressers and did not have the means to find out.
This was back in the late 60's.
Unlike now when one just goes on Google.

I played boys sports at school but I interacted with lots of girls and would much rather have been talking and playing with them. At home I often did with my sisters friends.
In my later teens I felt that I had "grown" out of this phase and girls held other attractions but I can clearly remember looking at what they wore at clubs and wondering what it would be like to wear that dress or that pair of hot pants, boots etc.
I cant do the hot pants anymore but skirts and dresses are a go.

Getting married and working very hard in a foreign country left little time for crossdressing but the urge was still there and where there is a will there is a way.
I came out to my wife in my 50's. Things went downhill for awhile.

Now that I have laid some groundwork and getting back to how that young person is thinking
The feeling I get from some of what has been said is that "mothers know best ". Not so IMHO.
The GG's have an opinion but can never have experienced what we feel. You cannot put yourselves in our shoes and assume it is a passing phase.

To suggest that we now fantasize about what could have been and that we are deluding ourselves here is probably true. I doubt many on this forum would have wanted to be discovered by their mothers.

For myself the feminine attributes are a wonder and a pleasure and they are something that should be allowed to develop in the young person at his own pace.
I am inclined to think that some underwear that would fit and left discreetly would be a stepping stone but this really depends on how close your relationship is with your son.
In my day I probably would have died with embarrassment but it is a whole different world now and attitudes have changed.

I have a GG friend who's son (Harry) now Harri has always known she was in the wrong body and was allowed to be herself. At 17 she knows what she wants but still has much difficulty in being comfortable around the friends she grew up with at school. Going out socially the boys are cruel and she cannot rise above this. It is not an easy path at such a tender age. Her mother helps her with clothes but I feel it is an androgenous look.
It is a mine field so please tread carefully.
I wish you the best of luck.

[kimdl93]

I hope Louise comes back to report on how things went with her son. And I hope it went well, however that may be defined in their situation.

[, LouiseW]

Thank you for your replies.
Wow it's certainly not a one size fits all thing is it.
It's been very interesting and enlightening to read your comments, they have given me a great insight into the needs and motivation around cd'ing

They have really helped me to see how I can best help him.

I will keep you posted and let you know how it goes when I broach the subject with him.

[kimdl93]

Thanks, Louise. Very best of luck to you both.

One last bit. Years ago I came out to my psychologist after avoiding the subject for weeks. She looked at me and calmly replied, “its not against the law, you know.” Despite her many reassurances that crossdressing was not a mental illness and not a reason to feel guilt or shame, part of me couldn’t shake the feeling that it was, if not illegal, still shameful.

[SylphDevine]

So, is crossdressing a daily thing for you or would it be if you had the opportunity?


Definitely daily. I wear something every single chance I get

Is it a private thing for you, do other members of your household know or do you wish they knew? Would life be better and happier if you could openly dress.

It's private, except for here. My wife knows (has always known) and it's a safe space as far as what I want to wear, when I like(need). She only goes as far as the MIAD though, no makeup, wigs or padding. Last time I did that she got jealous and mad at me because I passed better than her. She did my makeup and helped style the wig and said I looked better in my lingerie than she does when she wears hers. so while the crossdressing is fine, the "passing" is not. No one else knows. Probably my kids know, but they're also bi/poly/queer even though they currently have stable hetero relationships. They have all come out to us. I have not come out to them. No one in my real life knows or suspects otherwise.

I have discovered "under dressing" in my research and although I understand the concept I wonder how helpful that is in managing the need to crossdress. Is it a compromise or really good way of day to day dressing.

I have just started wearing panties under my clothes when I go out. This helps reduce the seemingly constant "need" somewhat but it upsets my wife, because "What if you get into an accident" or, "what if someone sees your panties when you're bending over doing something" If push came to shove and I had to give up dressing to keep my marriage I'd keep the marriage.

Finally if you are not able to present as female outside of your home do you generally dress from head to toe when you get home or would you get home and just change your trousers for a skirt?

I dress when I can. Never been out, not even for Hallowee'n. (bucket list would be a full makeover and a date)