Ask a GG - Three

[Dutchess]

I agree totally with everything said here . ^^^^^^^^^^^

That being said my history with men since 1975 has HAD to include men who are very androgynous so somehow they didnt get the message that it wasnt ok to dress as they want ,,most VERY flamboyantly with every color and pattern and fabric under the rainbow , have VERY long hair , wear make up , nail polish , pierced ears and yes lots of body art in my case . I have had no shortage of men like this . So when I see CD'ers and even some transfolk complain about this I just dont understand . Men have been doing their own thing for eons . Its often in the persons mind that they cant wear XYZ .

If you choose boring menswear thats up to you but you can actually wear some really extremely glam stuff in male mode if you open your mind, step outside the box you put yourself in , look in alternative places and stop "blaming society ". Your employer might care , yes ,but general society does not .

The only times I have had a reaction to a cd'er in public is when they are dressed SO inappropriately that I am not shocked or offended but actually question the persons mental health . The last one I saw like that was last fall in a very busy grocery . Wore a one piece backless halter top bathing suit with obvious forms , a short short dance skirt over that , shimmer panty hose with black pumps and he was around 60 . Anyone who wears something like that IS going to get looks . Period . This person simply carried on as normal .

[Stephanie47]

There is a thread open in another section concerning wearing makeup during the extreme heat in Texas. Personally, I do not know any women who use full makeup during an extreme hot weather event. The forecast for today in my area is 105 F. What do you GG's do when it is extremely hot? On a non-event day? Or when there is some social function? No matter what time of the year or occasion my wife is down to lip gloss/lipstick, period!

[Dutchess]

Hi Stephanie ,
Alo of people here know I was born and raised in Texas , 8th generation and I tell you the make up scene there is cultural also . All my female relatives , friends etc wore and wear ALOT of make up no matter the weather . Now that I have lived away from there and the culture a long time I have changed drastically how I wear my make up . They really lay it ON back home and that makes me look much older and is not a good look but again its as much cultural there as anything .

I am 58 now and if I wear foundation its going to be a tinted BB cream (tinted moisturizer) nothing more . If its too hot - its been over 100 all week here and will be 112 today - Ill just wear a liquid concealer under my eyes , sides of my nose , my chin and forehead LIGHTLY , nothing else on my face . Ill do my eyes however I want and I always wear just gloss . You get a certain age and lipstick just looks heavy, gives that funeral home appearance ,plus it feathers and I am not putting on any lip base stuff . I haven't worn blush in many years although I loved our 70s looks . Used lots of blush then but not today .

[ReineD]

I understand that it is a great loss of confidence. What advice could you give her?

From your point of view, what could I do to reaffirm to her that I am still the same person as always?

A woman would lose confidence when she finds out her husband is a CDer? She would lose confidence in what, her femininity? I disagree. What her husband chooses to do or not do has no impact on her innate femininity. Or did you mean something else.

In terms of being the same person as always, yes you are - but you’re not the person she THOUGHT you were. So I would ask her what she needs in a husband outside of any crossdressing considerations, and prove to her that you can give her what she needs.

What do you GG's do when it is extremely hot? On a non-event day? Or when there is some social function? No matter what time of the year or occasion my wife is down to lip gloss/lipstick, period!

I wear no makeup at all. I take care of my skin and do my best to keep it looking healthy; not clogging up my pores with makeup helps. For special outings (maybe once per month or two), I wear a light foundation to even out my skin tone with a bit of bronzer on the cheekbones, I darken my eyebrows a bit with an angled brush and eye shadow to match my eyebrow color, and wear a bit of mascara. I smooth out my lips with lip balm, no color needed. It all takes under 5 minutes.

[confused_cathreen]

Topical question, the simple answer is no. But then, I have rarely done. I am just not investing time or efford in things like that. That's my personal stance at least, which doesn't stop me smiling when I see kids dressed up and excited. My thing is Christmas!

[jessicabf]

Looking for advise. (Background, my SO is fully supportive of my CDing, so much that I would say she has been the instigator more than I have.) She spent a weekend with her sister and niece and really enjoyed ?girls night out?.

Any advice on activities and ways that will help bring this to the evenings when she and I ?go out? (even when I am guy-mode)?

I realize I could ?just ask her?, but kinda wanted to bring things that she may not be expecting. A pleasant surprise. 😁

[Di]

Any advice on activities and ways that will help bring this to the evenings when she and I ?go out? (even when I am guy-mode)?

I realize I could ?just ask her?, but kinda wanted to bring things that she may not be expecting. A pleasant surprise. 😁

That really would depend on what your wife likes.
Sherlyn and I were really into the music scene and we went to concerts, plus local places for live music.
I liked getting pedicures so we did that together a few times. We also lives in a rural village so drove in to enjoy the things we liked to do.
Hope you find something fun.

[ReineD]

Jessica, when hanging out I do the same things with my female friends as I do with my SO. Going out for dinner and/or a movie, or having coffee in a bookstore/cafe, or going out for a drink. If there is a good concert in town, that is always fun too, or art galleries are wonderful if you enjoy art. I’m lucky that both my SO and my female friends love art. I’ve also gone for short hikes out in nature with both female friends and my SO.

The only thing I don’t do with friends or my SO is shop. I hate shopping with people because I like to go at my own pace and I don’t like spending any more time in stores than I have to. lol

So like the other ladies said, just do whatever you both like to do.

And last, there is one thing that makes the difference between a girl’s night out and going out with my SO (no matter how my SO is dressed), and that is the person I am out with more than what we do. When I’m with a female friend we talk about our SOs (lol), which is something I can’t very well do with my SO. Conversely, I can talk to my SO about my female friends, which is something that I can’t really do with them.

[char GG]

Your wife is just letting you know how she feels. It's only natural that it's on her mind a lot.

I don't know how old your wife is, but my experience was quite similar. Girls HAD to wear dresses/skirts from the time I was in kindergarten until my senior year in high school. In elementary school, the girls soon learned to wear shorts under their dresses. The boys would like to come behind us and throw our dresses up and yell, "it's dress up day". Swinging on the swings, playing on the monkey bars, sliding down the slides, and most of the playground equipment wasn't meant to be used while wearing a dress. At my grandparent's farm, if any girls had on a dress (which my mother made me wear), we couldn't climb the apple trees or play in the hayloft. Dresses were also required for winter. Most of us had to walk to school, so either snow pants or some other pants were required to avoid frozen legs by the time we got to school. For those of us, like your wife, who remember how limiting dresses can be for a child. Boys didn't have that limitation. Some of the early CDer boys might think it's all fun and games to hide in their room with a bra and panties taken from mom or sister's closet, but it was not fun for little girls to either be left out of outdoor fun or have to adapt (like wearing shorts/tights) under their dresses.

As we got older, many of us were teased by boys because sometimes a bra outline could be seen. Until pantyhose came along, garters dug into our legs when we sat on those wooden school chairs. I could go on, but I think you get the picture.

Personally, I had to take a stand at home and refuse to wear a dress when I saw an opportunity for more fun by wearing pants/shorts. Not all girls could get away with that during that era.

So, not to make this answer about me, but I sympathize and understand what your wife is saying. What I think she means is, she doesn't really understand the attraction you would have to women's clothes. You were not socialized as a girl (I assume), so to you may find CDing to be tantalizing and a bit risque to dress like a girl. But to some women, it's just curious as to why they would want to. In your case, your wife finds it "insulting and degrading". We don't really have to understand to accept that some men just have that proclivity to dress like a woman. Your wife is going to feel how she feels and there is nothing you can do but try to understand that her life growing up was not your life. My hubby got to do a lot of things as a child growing up, that I had to take a stand against the norms to be able to do as a girl.

Also, this may be a shock to some on this forum, but many girls were not and are still not interested in makeup and fashion. Some ladies think that stuff is frivolous and vain. I don't know anything about your wife, but she may possibly struggle with what she might feel is the narcissistic nature of CDing. Not to say that you are that way, however, if she has done any research, she may get that opinion of CDing in general.

I think that the only thing you can do is to listen to her. You can explain how YOU feel but you can't make her life experiences from the past any different. It's just a matter of understanding other's perspectives.

One more thing... I don't know how long your wife has known about your CDing. It sounds like a long time, but you said that you recently have "up'ed your game". You know her better than any of us, so only you can help her with her feelings. Sometimes our "demons" come to us during the night, when there are no other distractions. Your wife is as you said, "struggling". All you and do is keep the lines of communication and trust open.

[Miel GG]

Char has already given a lot of relevant information.

It is not clear for me if your wife was struggling with your CDing before or after you started to "up your game", because buying a wig and heels can be a stressful signal for a wife. Were these purchases discussed together beforehand ? Did she have the opportunity to express her concerns about these purchases ? (I don't know the terms of the agreement about CDing between you two)

About your wife finding CDing offensive... These thoughts are fairly common among feminists who call out to men in general and to CDs/transwomen in particular about the stereotyped images of women and femininity that they (not all of them) enhance and perpetuate.
But you seemed to understand that point already Mary Loo.

I totally understand the feelings and thoughts of your wife, I was very upset when my hubby came out to me for that reason too, especially because I cannot understand why he stands for woman's rights on one hand and why he "emulates" a stereotyped woman from another time on the other hand. I guess your wife doesn't really want you to think about these things nor stop CDing, but it has been comforting for myself when, after a lot of discussion and exchanges, my hubby and I agreed on the fact that he was not trying to emulate a true GG but an archetypal female when CDing. I hope you and your wife will find a way to calm things down.

[Mimi]

I definitely feel like many CDers are emulating the styles of the 1950s and 60s, and wish that women would still dress that way. It is degrading and insulting, especially when they imply that women who don't care about makeup and hair styles and stockings and high heels are somehow less feminine, and that the CDer is more feminine, or knows more about being a real woman. I think it is narcissistic to obsess about nails and hair styles. I don't feel at all flattered if someone says they are wearing a girdle or heels or a tight mini skirt as homage to how they think women should behave or dress. If they want to say that they like the vintage look, that's fine and a personal preference, but don't go saying that all women should still dress like Donna Reed. Don't expect us to thrill to your teenage fantasy of what the high school prom queen back in the 60s might have worn. If you want to go out in public dressed as a woman, then dress to blend in, not stand out.
,

[Dutchess]

Id looked at this for awhile trying to find the words I wanted but Mimi said almost word for word what I wanted to say.. I agree with Char and Miel also..

If I had anything more to add it would be that I see CDing as a very masculine activity..no matter how some protest to the contrary I see them as emulating the type of woman that turns them on .....past or present ..... With that If eel that sometimes because most real women don't wear these things, then fine , the cd'ers will just BECOME what they want..so no room for me there or I get left behind for the obsession ... so you know,I'm certainly not going to be interested in such a scenario/person anymore.. I used to be able to deal with that but can't now for whatever reason.

So yeah males made up all the above clothing and if we don't want to look like that it feels/seems like/READS like alot of cd'ers would rather have a fake version of us.


PS To whom it may concern , women don't sit around and cry all the time either and I see that all OVER the forum..we just dont. If Your family drilled unemotional and hyper masculine into your head then fine, thats your family.. All the guys I've been with since 1975 were gentle and not afraid to show emotion . I've never been into cold uncaring men .

[jessicabf]

Thanks for the thoughts! We do regular dates, to keep our relationship at the forefront of priorities. (work, kids? try to stoke our original flame as much as we can.)

It just hit me when she talked about her enjoyment with being with her girlfriends. Trying to decide if I would bring something else to out time to kindle the same enjoyment.

I suppose it just may always be different, like you say.

🤔

[ReineD]

It just hit me when she talked about her enjoyment with being with her girlfriends.

I think that has more to do with the type of relationship she has with them, as opposed to the type of relationship she has with you. It doesn't really matter what is the activity when we go out with friends. It's the conversations we have with them, and I don't mean talking about shopping, grooming, or clothes.

[Kelli_cd]

I was grocery shopping today and the lady in the checkout beside me was wearing a lovely outfit: navy blue dress, gold zipper down the back, and white heels. While we were in line, I said to her, "your outfit is really cute." She took the compliment well, and thanked me.
I almost feel awkward complimenting ladies in the current culture. I'm thankful she took it for what it was, a compliment. My question is - what is the best way to compliment women, without being creepy and without setting things off? I'm assuming that in this case, I did all right. Things can get toxic so quickly, even though there was nothing more intended.

TIA.

[Miel GG]

I was grocery shopping today and the lady in the checkout beside me was wearing a lovely outfit: navy blue dress, gold zipper down the back, and white heels. While we were in line, I said to her, "your outfit is really cute." She took the compliment well, and thanked me.
I almost feel awkward complimenting ladies in the current culture. I'm thankful she took it for what it was, a compliment. My question is - what is the best way to compliment women, without being creepy and without setting things off? I'm assuming that in this case, I did all right. Things can get toxic so quickly, even though there was nothing more intended.

TIA.

Like you said, in our current culture, men usually have an hidden agenda when complimenting women. Compliments on our appearance, even if they are doing it in a kind way as you did, is just a reminder of the way our society treats women. My advice to you is to avoid to do so.

Like a lot of GGs I dress for myself and I don't need any approval from strangers, male or female. When I need an opinion or advice on my look I just ask for it

[Mimi]

I think it depends on the location, situation, outfit,and other things. I have complimented women in line that I don't know on an interesting piece of jewelry. If I'm in a situation where people are all very dressed up, then there's nothing wrong with one woman complimenting another on her put-together outfit or showy dress. I think if the person is dressing and identifying as a woman at the time, and they compliment another woman in a general, social way, that's fine, and if I'm out in a social situation and see someone who I think is a CD, dressed in a nice dress, I'll go out of my way to compliment them because I think it is affirming to them. If a man compliments a strange woman on her outfit--that can come across as hitting on her, especially if there's a power dynamic, or not a time when the woman might even be thinking about her appearance.

[confused_cathreen]

I would avoid doing the whole "complimenting" thing, if I were you. I also am not interested in being assessed by strangers on what I am wearing. Because that's what a compliment is, that you looked someone over and you found them agreable. I think I have done it once or twice (?) where I complimented a guy's suit at a wedding, although they were not a stranger. Think of it the opposite way, would you have liked to be stopped on the street and be told that you have no dress sense? Like the other ladies, I dress for myself. And sometimes (rarely), for the man I am with if the occassion calls for it and he has expressed a fondness for a particular outift. That is a big "maybe" though. If I want someone's opinion, I ask for it. But that would never happen with a stranger, male or female.

[ellbee]

Question for the GG's...!


How do you personally feel about CD'ers using a public women's restroom? Perhaps one that you're in, even?



And a follow-up question, if I may...


What's the general take on that, for GG's as a whole? Have you ever heard anything positive/negative from other GG's?


I ask this, because I know of someone who isn't a CD'er, but is actually officially *transitioning* -- and to my surprise, quite a few of their GG co-workers did *not* want them using the regular multi-occupant women's room!



Anyway, thanks!

[char GG]

I could not speak for what other GG's will or won't accept so I won't even try.

Edit: Most likely, other friends have shared a public restroom with a CDer at some point but didn't care enough to comment. Honestly, I rarely see a CDer in public much less the restrooms. The examples I relayed were the ones women did talk about or I witnessed.

CDers and what they do and where they go, are just not a topic that comes up in day to day conversations.

One more point to add to Reine and Di's suggestions, never take your phone out and take pictures of yourself or anything else in there.

[BustyOlivia]

Just curious how GGs feel about us given the current state of the world with drag queens and everything? Do we infringe on women?s place in the world? Forgive my ignorance please girls

[char GG]

I do not feel that drag queens or CDers infringe on anything that pertains to me.

[ReineD]

BustyOlivia, I’ve seen opinions here over the years from CDers who believe that women feel jealous or are threatened by CDers. Apparently some CDers believe that women see these CDers as competition. If this is what you mean by "infringe", then I can answer with a resounding no. I personally have never met a CDer whom I felt was competition for anything, let alone for the attention of any man that I might have been interested in.

I don’t believe that a guy who would be attracted to me would also be attracted to any CDer - guys can tell whether someone is a woman or a CDer when they talk to them for awhile. Men who want to be with women don’t tend to be attracted to CDers and men who are attracted to CDers don’t generally tend to be attracted to women … in my experience.

So, no competition there!

But if you mean something other than this when you say "infringe on a woman’s place in the world", them please elaborate.

[Di]

Infringe no
Live and let live .
It is disturbing how people that do not understand others do a gang up hate campaign.
Like to say more but rules .
It is really sad , scary and disturbing.

[Miel GG]

Like Reine, I am not sure about the subject of your question. Can you give me some context before I answer ?