A new experience and some weird feelings about it.

[Camille15]

So today was a big first for me. With my wife and daughter out of town, I got dressed and drove down to Carla's Social Club in San Jose. It's a club where people meetup, as well as where they offer services like makeovers. I booked myself a makeup lesson, to help me improve my look.

I've only briefly been out in public as Camille, twice walking around a hotel lobby, and once going through a drive-thru. Those were positive experiences for me. But I was wondering what today would be like, interacting with actual people closeup, specifically people who are also crossdressers like me.

Driving there was uneventful. As I walked from my car to the shop, a man leaned out of a truck and smiled and waved to me. That was a confidence booster. Aejaie, who did my lesson, was wonderful. She patiently worked with me for 1.5 hours, instructing me, and explaining everything. I had to spend most of the time staring at myself without my wig on, which was a bit unsettling though. Usually I try to always keep it on, otherwise I just feel like a dude in drag. Once the wig went on, I loved the look and smiled. Then Aejaie showed me how to change it to a night look, going more heavy on the eyes and blush. I didn't care for the results much. It was too "done-up" for me, and I was anxious to take it off.

All throughout the lesson people came into and out of the shop/club. All were in drab, but Aejaie referred to everyone by their femme names. It was new and a bit strange to me to see other men like myself, browsing through the collection of dresses and wig products. I ended up talking to a couple of them briefly when I was paying. I found it OK, but strange to be talking to other guys. Firstly, I was en femme, and I've never really spoken to anyone as Camille, let alone men. Secondly, I was talking about crossdressing with them, and I've never spoken to anyone else like me about it, except from behind a keyboard.

After I left, I just wanted to get home and take everything off, which I promptly did. Usually I shower before I dress to "wash the boy away". But this time I showered to clean myself of the experience. Not that there was anything bad about it. Perhaps my brain is just on overaload from so many new experiences at once. But I feel a bit unsettled by it all, especially seeing myself in so much makeup, and don't particularly feel ready to "be Camille" again too soon.

Is this relatable to anyone?

Camille

[Nadine Spirit]

I have had some similar feelings awhile back, but not as strong as what you are describing.

I have no idea about your feelings, but for me shortly after I started fulling dressing and going out, after about 10 years of partial dressing and staying home, I kind of had a tough time with understanding who I am. When I dressed I had this fantasy picture in my head and that things had to be a certain way, like always having my wig on, to help complete the fantasy.

Nowadays though I kind of see myself differently. I no longer have those sorts of fantasies. I accept that I am who I am, a guy who dresses like a woman. When I go out I see myself as that, if others see me differently that is fine, but essentially irrelevant because I know who I am and I am okay with that.

[gennee]

It's not strange to have those weird feelings. I certainly had them when I started out. As time passed and I dressed more I embraced my feelings. I interact with the public all the time. Whenever my wife and I are out together, we are referred to as ladies. There will be those weird feelings but it could be that you are experiencing how deep and pervasive they may be within. Embrace them and go with them. In time your doubts and fears will lessen. There's absolutely no reason to be ashamed or feel guilty about this.

[larry]

I can relate to your story. It takes a lot of self push for me to go panty shopping. And whenever I see another man doing it also it seems awkward.

[docrobbysherry]

Dressing is NOT a fetish for most of the dressers I've met. And, I've met quite a few over the years.

Altho, I may get turned on when I dress alone in private? Sex never comes to mind when I'm out dressed. Either by myself or around vanillas or other dressers.

I think you'll find most men keep their sex habits to themselves no matter how they're dressed. And, while I've never talked about panties with another dresser, discussions about nylons, breast forms and bras, and going potty dressed r quite common and matter of fact. With no "titillating details" being bantered about.

In time, I think you'll get used to it, Camille!

[ChristinaK]

Sounds very much like what I did. I felt like I betrayed my wife and family and felt awful for several days. Didn't dress for a while, but it always came back to an overwhelming desire. Once I found this forum I came to accept myself and the fact that dressing is a part of me and that is okay. Now I have a DADT relationship which is working for now and I go out with my head held high and very happy to be who I am in public. It feels so good to be treated like a woman. I too have sexual feelings when dressed alone, but never when I go out. Good luck with your struggle.

[Teresa]

Hi Camille, If you read some of Reine's posts she explains it very well, basically you pushed yourself out of your comfort zone, we all do it but then we swing back the other way and question ourselves because we wonder why we do it. The next time we push it gets easier, eventually we know what we're comfortable with and just enjoy what we're doing.

[Maria in heels]

Camille...It sounds like you were just overloaded by the experience and maybe a little uncomfortable to take on so much at one time. Maybe Camille enjoyed her time, but talking with the other customers in the store made her/you feel a little unsettled. You say that you loved the look in the beginning, and the night time look was too much ... I think that this is where Camille started to really come out and coupled with the customers, it was just too much too fast....

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Camille, It's always such a wonderful feeling to see a lovely lady in the mirror.

[Beverley Sims]

I was never introduced in such an abrupt way so there was little shock value for me.

Having girls around for support and being young it is fun all the way.

You get used to it and life is just a buzz.

After a few more excursions you may get used to it and more comfrtable.

[Marcelle]

Hi Camille,

Like others have said you were just outside of your comfort zone and that can be a bit unsettling. From what I have read in your posts for you dressing as Camille is a very private affair and while you have shared your experiences here and had brief but truly interactive experiences outside, Camille is a private part of you. You have come to know her and accept her on that level. When you went to the social club you now had to interact on a few levels . . . Camille en femme as you know her, Camille en femme sans wig "dude in drag", Camille en femme with too much make-up, and Camille en femme interacting with other men who share the same passion. Below the surface is you "en boy" and this was probably causing all sorts of "WTF" moments.

I had similar feelings when I first started going out and interacting. I wanted people to see me as "Isha" but I knew in my heart of hearts "not true". As I started going out more, I took the same approach that Nadine took and accepted I am a guy who likes to dress like a girl and how people see me is their business. Keep swinging for the fence, it will get easier sweetie. You just need to process and integrate.

Hugs

Isha

[Camille15]

Thanks all for your replies. Isha, yours was particularly helpful. I think you are right that it was just a lot to process. I'm already feeling like I would dress again tomorrow if I had the time.

I think for now I'll just plan to do another hotel day in the fall, and perhaps do my walk around the lobby. I do like the feeling of turning a few heads, or getting called "miss", but that's about the extent of the interaction with others I feel OK with for now. Perhaps one day I'd go to a support group meeting if there were one in my area. But even then, I think I'd feel more comfortable doing so if both I were dressed en femme, and so were all of the attendees. Something feels a little less awkward about that, versus discussing clothes and makeup with men in drab.

Camille

[Katey888]

Camille,

I too can relate to what you've described... or at least the potentiality of that process and feeling. I can only imagine what it would be like to actually interact with someone firsthand - it's something I desire and fear almost equally, whereas a keyboard and flat screen can be great bastions of anonymity and privacy...

Others have much more experience than me in terms of the feeling of processing what we do and what we want to do... As always, I fear it is the deep thinkers and those with a vivid imagination among us that readily build nightmare scenarios of our world - I'm sure if you take your time, give yourself an chance to process it everything will settle down again - it does for me!

And I do also blitz the shower afterwards, but that's generally to make sure that every last trace of foundation, eyeliner and concealer is thoroughly disappeared! But again, I can understand the feeling of the separation between the two personas that provides...



Katey x

[Nikki A.]

Camille I also sometimes got the same feelings when I first started going out. However it does get easier and in time you may enjoy dealing with the "muggles". My turning point was being invited to a wedding as Nikki, while the crowd was predominately lesbian and gay, there were quite a few straight friends of the brides and I was able to talk to them out on the patio, answered some of their questions on why and what I am. I got to interact with a lot of people, felt accepted and learned a lot about myself also.

[CynthiaD]

This is typical when you push the envelope. You expect certain things, perhaps vaguely, but the experience is always different from what you expect. Since it's all new, you're not sure how to react to it. Then you have to decide if if was a worthwhile experience. Generally I find that most things are a lot more "ordinary" than I expected, which makes it much harder to process. For example, I recently went en femme to a store where I've been many times in drab. The sales staff knows me well, so I was somewhat stressed out. It was exactly like all the other times I've been there. So what was all the stress about? Was it worth it just to do something I've done dozens of times before? I had to think about that for a while.

Of course, I ultimately decided it was for the best. For me, pushing the envelope means freedom. Freedom to dress how I want, where I want, and when I want. That's always worth it.

[dominique]

Maybe it was just a case of sensory overload. That feeling you go out to enjoy it, but it gets too much for you and it will take you some time to come down from it. Maybe in a few weeks time you'll feel different about it.