Reality

[Super Amanda]

A few times over the last couple of years, I have felt like I'm ready to take the step of going full time, and I get all of my courage up, and I feel justified and clear headed.
This usually happens after a few months of converting from male to female after work nearly every day, and in much, if not all of my spare time. After basically living as much as a female as I can, I would get the overwhelming urge to go full time, consequences be damned.
But when I step out of my haze, and re-enter reality, I get really scared and start to worry, and all of that clarity I thought I had, becomes very unclear. So I would stop for a while, grow a goatee and some leg hair. This has happened once a year for the last three.
Times have changed for me and I am actively coming out now. I told my Mom last month, my older brother and his wife know, my ex knows, I'm sure my younger brother knows and my Dad wont be all that surprised.
The thing is I feel strangely calm, almost serene. Most likely the burden of secret is beginning to ease.
I've been waiting for the fear to come back, but it's late in the cycle this time, and it may be gone. I have been very realistic with myself on things where I was not before, like passing and transitioning.
Before, when I thought I was looking good(which in hindsight, I looked just fine)I would go to a store and see a petite, beautiful sales clerk and know that I can NEVER change my height, or hand size, or foot size, I would feel devastated inside , It felt like when someone breaks your heart, in fact it felt EXACTLY like heartbreak because that is what was happening.
This time feels different, I'm very optimistic.
Has anyone ever felt like this? Has "reality" ever crushed you?

[kathrynjanos]

omg, you are describing what's happening to me! I have not been as dramatic in my swings, but it mostly happens that I have been getting more and more accepting.

Amanda, I'm also very tall and as such have large feet and all that wonderful stuff that is associated with being a big man. I am beginning to think about full time, or mostly full time short of seeing my dad, grandmother, and perhaps work. But I don't know.

Right now, I don't think I'd mind living as full time female, I just don't know that I am willing to put the effort in, if that makes sense? I'm a lazy crossdresser.

Anyway, I do honestly think you're on the right track. You look lovely in your picture, and I think if you feel ready this time, then go for it. Maybe it was only the lack of knowing that made the difference to you.

[Angie G]

Yes the reality that I'm got a real girl.
Angie

[Lisa Golightly]

I still have my moments now... I annoy other people by doing my 'but what do you think... No but what do you really think' routine... and I'll have issues with my height... and my voice (damn phone that repeats everything I say in my ear a split second later)... I'll look in the mirror and go bleeeeuuuuuggghhh... Use of a male signifier is the only time I feel small... lol...

Oh, every week has its disasters, but I wouldn't be different because I just feel happy, despite the occassional knocks

[Alice Torn]

Yep. Every emotion in the book, especially sadness, when i see a beautiful, self-assured gg. I used to think i was such a knockout! Now, i notice my huge weathered vein popping hands, size 15 womens shoes, broad shoulders, long jaw, protruding forehead, six feet six frame, and see how vaiv i was. I can only pass, at some distance, and my voice will always be a comedy act! Give it time, friend. Most people, and cds go through big changes.

[sometimes_miss]

Reality has been crushing me all my life. All I wanted to be was normal, and yet there were so many things that I could never change. I think the 'normal' folks out there have no idea what some of us go through. I recently had a long discussion with a distant cousin; she grew up, having such problems like which hair style to try next, how to differentiate herself from her twin, which boy to date (she was pretty and had choices), which clothes to buy when she went to the store, whether to join the cheerleader crowd or contact competitive sport crowd. She went on to tell me how difficult it all seemed at the time, how much time she spent pondering and worrying about whether she would make the right decision. When I told her about my childhood, the sexual abuse, the beatings, being treated like an outcast because of a poorly located birthmark, she said she had no idea of how anyone could deal with it all. But I understood where she was coming from; whatever our problems, they all seem tremendous 'to us' at the time. Even though it seems trivial to older folks when viewed in retrospect, puppy love and broken hearts are serious stuff to teenagers when it happens, and can seem just as devastating as bombs going off outside the front of our house, or bullets coming through our windows.
None of my childhood dreams came true; some, because I simply never had the capability to accomplish them, some, because the opportunities never presented themselves. Some, because I wasn't able to focus long enough to accomplish what I needed to do. I think the most difficult thing was not knowing what to do; there were so many times in my life that things seemed so hopeless, not because I wasn't willing to put in the necessary effort to achieve what was necessary, but because I didn't have the tiniest clue as to how to go about it, and had no one to ask. But I tried my best, and that's all anyone can be expected to do.
Reality is what we make of it. I haven't had a SO in 10 years. I live my life alone. Lonely? Sure. But I get the minimal needed human contact with the few hours of snuggling with gogo girls on my days off. I distract myself from the rest of my life by taking long rides in a sports car or motorcycle. Whenever things get me down, I try to remember that it could all be much worse.

[Shelly67]

This I can relatate to . It goes even further , the pastimes I love ( masculine ) like power kiting and mountain biking now mean nothing to me . I prefer to just let my gentle side emerge , be quiet and feel on the level ......
It also causes so much angst returning to my male persona after being dressed for sometime .
good thread

[JoAnne Wheeler]

You know, I think a lot of us think (fantisize) about living full time as a female

I know I have - but when I come to reality (my senses), I do not think that I

would be happy trying to live as a female full time - the consequences be

damned (PINK FOG at its densest) can cause us to think irrationally (I have) -

Maybe you can pull it off if you really are fully committed, but there are so

many things to think about (all those consequences) - but good luck in

whatever you decide.

JoAnne Wheeler

"I'm an all American Bluegrass Girl and Proud As I Can Be"

[Sara Jessica]

Has anyone ever felt like this? Has "reality" ever crushed you?

Beautifully written post Amanda.

Reality crushes me daily. It's just a matter of how I deal with it. Although I have made the decision that in 99% certainty, I am not likely to transition, it doesn't mean these thoughts aren't with me daily. And yes, seeing the epitome of women in the real world (not even so much an idealistic vision) often brings these feelings to the surface. But one thing you said really resonated with me...

Most likely the burden of secret is beginning to ease.

For myself, I feel that absent the ability to transition, just having more of those who are close to me know the real me would lift such a burden I carry. It doesn't mean that I have to present in a feminine way around them. It's simply that they'd know, and at the end of the day it would become a non-issue, yet the burden with what I'm dealing with would lighten greatly (or so I believe).

But...

for anyone embarking on the road of self-disclosure, might that burden be transfering to someone else? Food for thought.

[LisaM]

I know exactly how you feel. I have attempted to transition twice in my life. I stopped for personal reasons but I also felt exactly like you do. I believe in my heart that if I didn't have the personal reasons that I would have followed thru and transitioned despite the feelings that you describe---and I would have learned that everyone feels inadequate at times--that is just part of being human. I think tall GGs have many of the same feelings when they see smaller GGs--when they are shopping for clothes, shoes etc.. and can't find the selection that other women can find. But I guess if I had to do it all over again I'd rather feel inadequate at times because of my size or whatever than feel depressed and disillussioned all of the time because I am not living as a woman.

[Karren H]

I guess I like options in life... Variety... And I'm still having fun living in both genders when I get the time.. When I get tired of being a girl I can revert back to my slobby male self and I enjoy that... So choosing one permanently, for me, would limit me way too much..

[Tgirl74]

Amanda I couldn't have said it better myself!You described exactly how I have felt over the past 10 years.I have come close to starting transition and at the time I thought I had reach the point where it felt there was no going back I needed to just keep moving forward.I felt I was finally strong enough to just do it and then one day I woke up and wanted to cut my hair, workout like crazy all my feelings had completely changed and it was uncontrollable, it just happens.

This cycle of feeling overly masculine and feminine never seems to end.I have analyzed it over and over and I have no answers.I still day dream everyday.

Jacinda

[Marie O]

Yes Amanda, You are not alone! I feel that way very often lately, and it just keeps getting stronger. I just have not had the courage to come out to everyone yet! Except my wife. I wish you the very best!

[Super Amanda]

Wow, I guess it's a fairly common phenomenon among us. Perhaps in the future, we can get some scientific explanations, wouldn't that be great! I just got back from the grocery store, as a guy, and did not have any bad moments. I just feel really at peace with myself right now, and am enjoying it. It's different because I want to take another small step, but at the same time I am weighing consequences and being realistic in my expectations for the first time. It just seems like everything is gonna be ok, it's hard to describe! Sorry for rambling on.

[Karen564]

Reality is a funny thing, but isn't it all how we look at it?.
Wasn't it FDR that said, The only thing to fear, is fear itself..
Well, when you think about it, isn't it the fear we carry around us that think we'll will never blend in, (big hands, etc.) or actually be a woman the thing that keeps us sheltered and kept away from making it a reality?

Once you can overcome those fears, you make your own reality and then you make your dreams come true as you wish.

Karen

[StaceyJane]

Fear has kept me from transitioning also. I guess in a way I have started to transition albeit very slowly. I have started laser treatments on my arms which is a permenant step. Maybe one day when I'm ready........

[Kelsy]

Yep that's me! sometimes after a reality adjusting moment I enter a desperate "wanna be a girl phaze"

Kelsy

[tamarav]

[SIZE=4]You know what? You need to come down to where I work with 8 girls. You think your reality sucks, you need to listen to these overweight, gross, ****ty women bitch and moan about everything. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]They claim to have big feet, be too tall or too short, be overweight, have flabby arms, not get enough sex, or too much. They complain about having to wear black (we are hair stylists and that is the company dress code, as it is for many beauty shops), about having to get to work on time, about having to drive old cars.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Wow, they really have it rough.... they have no idea where they are going or what they are doing. See how much better in life you are? At least you have a goal and can work toward it.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Look on the bright side, we all have things we think don't look good, all of us.[/SIZE]

[docrobbysherry]

We CREATE our own reality!?

THAT is a sobering thot, for THIS closet CD!