(Semi-Articulate) Rage Against the Machine
[I seldom post here, but thought that I'm not alone in my sentiments found in this post. Cross-posted from Helen Boyd's BB, with some editing. Warning: it's pretty angry, but it's how I've been feeling this morning and last night. It might be offensive to some, so please consider yourself forewarned. I'm usually a nice person (there are many that can vouch for that), but I get fed up sometimes. Don't you?]
This morning, I'm just beside myself with rage and anger. Yeah, I'm pretty mercurial that way. Why?
Well, last night, my SO and I finally got to watching the WE documentary that Melanie and Peggy sent us. We don't have extended cable, so we asked them to send us a copy of The Secret Lives of Women. After watching it, my Beloved sat in stunned silence for about ten minutes. Of course, I feared the worst, along the lines of [someone on the mHB boards] SO's response, that my SO was going to just break down or pronounce me a "freak." God knows why, she's never done anything like that before (at least the latter), but I took it the wrong way. My Beloved could not put a finger on her fears, and I made the mistake of demanding an answer. Needless to say, our misinterpretations led to a fight, and we both shut down. I went to bed feeling extremely ashamed about myself, that my being a crossdresser has led to nothing but fear for our lives, our livelihoods - and that there not one damn thing we can do about it.
This morning, we were a little more clearheaded about things. While my Beloved admitted to feeling some exaggerated fears, that someone outside would have heard what we were watching, and exact some kind of revenge or fear-based response against us, she assumed that I wanted to go "full-steam ahead" with regard to being far more public about my crossdressing than she is comfortable with. Well, not necessarily. I'm not ready to go out and proclaim who I am to the entire world. That is not possible - or realistic. OTOH, I told my Beloved that we can't just cower in fear the rest of our lives, and yes, that I refuse to remain dressed behind locked doors the rest of my life. We need to find a balance, and I completely understand that.
What f---ing sucks is that we live in such a conservative state in such a conservative country ("freedom-loving," my a--!), that it infuriates me that my loved one has to remain in her fear. It angers me that I just have to STFU, for fear of becoming another Peter Oiler. It really, REALLY pisses me off that even someone like Peggy Rudd has to be so cautious; I never realized she has had such death threats. That angers and that saddens me, that even a "celebrity" like Dr. Rudd has to watch her back.
What the f--- kind of society do we live in? All this talk about freedom and liberty rings so hollow for me right now. People are sheep who are afraid of challenging their minds. People are conformist. God forbid you express yourself in such a way that "society doesn't approve." It's tough enough being of a different religious background; if I even say anything about being a crossdresser, then all bets are off. Well, all bets are off for right now. I am fully aware that I need to think of my career, my loved ones and my reputation. Then, it comes back to being angry that I have to do such things in this supposedly open society.
It angers me that I can't do "my part" (at least right now) to show this allegedly freedom-loving America that we who consider ourselves transgender, or two-spirit, a "womon," or whatever f--- else word you want to use to describe yourself, aren't a bunch of freaks or child molesters, etc. Well, I can do it, but that entails risking a very important relationship (which I will not do), as well as a means of surviving - and after fighting to get back what I have lost because I had the gall to fall ill.
It infuriates me that there is even so much f---ing infighting in this so-called transgender community. I have tended to agree with [another mHB member's] assertion that there is no "community." With all the jockeying for position of being "trannier-than-thou," and getting so involved in self-absorbed drama, we become our own worst enemy. Fine, if you want to stay stuck on stupid, and worry about whether you want to call yourselves the "Judean People's Front" or the "People's Front of Judea," leave me the f--- out of it. I'd rather work on building bridges, not arguing whether they should be built out of steel or iron!
Right now, American society sucks, people suck and should just be taken to some f---ing uncharted desert island to fend for themselves with nothing but coconuts and sharp sticks. Right now, I'm just sick that my loved one has to fear for her own life because she chooses to be with someone considered "freakish" by the sheeple out there.
Sorry, but that is how I'm feeling right now, and need to work on some way to get through this. I'm just having a bit of a Network moment.
Sirena
